And best of all, being good with the possibility of us never reconciling or getting back together, actually opens up the possibility of reconciling and getting back together!
Just curious BM...what do you mean by this? It's an interesting choice of words....
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
The reason I say that is because I have come to understand that as long as I am believe and insisting there is no possibility it can fail, then I am compelled to constantly keep on forcing everything to fit and scrambling to hold it all together.
In other words, if the possibility of failure does not exist for me, the only course of action I have is forcing it to work.
But that will never work.
The only thing I believe will work will be my commitment to the path without attachment to the outcome. Maybe not an easy path, but it's one that feels good to me right now.
Especially based on the conversation that she and I had this morning. Best little talk that we have had in years. I came totally clean with some things that had been upsetting her, some things I felt totally responsible for, and we had the best little conversation that we have had in years!
Hang on while I go and grab a copy of that conversation for you. Maybe it will help.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
L: Really slow i am super tired started my period today bleeding heavily and was unable to sleep today when I tried i was thinking too much.
M: sorry to hear that.
L: yeah im use to it ill be fine .
M: you already are fine! very fine indeed!
L: thx i wish i felt fine tonight.
M: I'm thinking of you like the finest wine maturing and become deeper and even more delicious with age.
L: That is true but these working nights are bad for me and my aging processes lol.
M: yes they are.
L: i'm thinking of taking a 30 minute break to nap .
M: sounds like a good idea.
L: yeah it sure does as i sit here and yawn one after another did you find a new truck or apt.
M: lol. don't make me think of your mouth opening.too sexy.
L:· hahahahahahahaha.
M: I've decided where I'm going to get an apartment which was a big decision, I'm in no hurry to get the truck but I'll definitely buy a Ford.
L:·where.
M: · <omitted>, for now. It's a small town a couple hours outside of <omitted>, nestled between mountains and a lake. Not forever. Just for now.
L: sounds like you a good place for you that is
M: yes.
L: I am happy for you i hope we can find our true happiness
M: I've already found mine. you will find yours I'm sure.
L: well i guess you are always finding things first thats ok i will find my truth i have faith.
M: I love you L----.
L: i love you too michael xoxoxo.
M: I know you will find your truth and whatever and wherever you find it I am happy for you but I am not always finding things first....
L: i know you will be your awesome like that and i will always be there for you as well and happy for you
M: Thanks. I was about to say half the time you are finding things first in fact now is a good time for me to apologize....
L: not sure about that but really who is counting.
M: there is something I want to clear up with you. In fact there are many things I want to clear up with you if that's okay with you?
L: go for it.
M: I want to apologize for not listening.please give me a moment while I gather my thoughts....
L: ok i'm kinda use to that with you but ok.
M: The fact that you are used to me not listening is shameful. I am ashamed to think that for four years you were telling me the most important thing, the way to keep your love tanks full is quality time together and physical touch...I heard you say it many, many times, so many many times, but I never really heard it...The impact of my not listening to you is immeasurable. It has affected everything in our relationship from the way that we made love to the way we raised the kids, managed our money, spent our time together...everything..
L: i know.
M: Yes. And while I now understand why I could not hear you, it does not take away or excuse the fact how much I hurt and disappointed you.I am sorry beyond words that I was unable to hear you sooner..
L: i forgive you though.
M: ((((hug))))You are such am amazing woman.I hope you really get that..
L: ditto hope you can forgive me too for the things i did and did not do.
M: I do forgive you. I do not like many of the things you did and did not do, but now I also can see reasons why you were unable to keep my love tanks full. It's okay, my friend. We're human.We make mistakes..
L: yeah well that is for sure xoxox.
M: this feels like a good conversation. more natural and true..
L: yes indeed.
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Beyond knowing that she is unhappy, the WAW has 3 beliefs:
She believes she knows me. She believes I will never change. Because she believes she knows me and that I will never change, she believes she can never be happy with me.
My job is to patiently change all of those beliefs, because it is her beliefs that are driving her behavior.
So now I am listening and paying very close attention to her, which is what she always wanted.
And I am not forcing things anymore, which is also what she wanted.
Will it be enough? How knows? THAT ISN'T WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT!
What's most important is the way I feel about myself while being committed to my path.
Hope that helps clear things up.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I am feeling a bit lonely right now. As many people know nights can be the most difficult sometimes.
I can't help wonder and want to ask her "Why did you marry me if you weren't willing to work on things that needed work?"
But this is what we've got.
For whatever reason, this is where we are at and I am continuing to maintain my peace with it.
Thinking of Cat4 who said to work on balance.
Which reminds me...
"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When a piece of toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago." - John Frazee
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I have followed your sitch for awhile now. You seem to be a sincerely charismatic, intelligent, and happy person. Very artistic and very REAL person. Kudos to you. I like your approach and based on what Ive seen, your Wife does truly love you...friends/lover/husband/many ways.....but her actions, and yours, leads me to say......Try something different.
You can love her, but she knows you are there. WHAT IF....
You move on...I mean truly move on. "Sweetheart, I love you and I always will...but if you are not here WITH me, I can't continue talking with you...I need to move on"
It shows you care, it shows you love yourself, and it shows her enough that you validate her feelings AND love her enough to set her free. Instead of TRYING, GIVE...and walk away. Hard, but based on what Ive seen, very doable. Sometimes opposite works.
Your choice, but I hope you think about it. Validate her and make her curious as to why....might JUST be the the hair you need bro.
I like the sounds of your suggestion more than I like to admit. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to explore it.
I feel I already am moving on without her, but perhaps I am still holding too much hope.
There is no doubt she is not here with me even though she writes that she "will always be there for me." In my view, she is certainly not here for me. Perhaps that is something I might call her out on or explain that I'm not feeling.
To me, "truly moving on" as you suggest sounds like doing what she is telling me that she wants to do, as well as asking me to do. (And maybe even asking for my blessing or even permission to do herself?)
And that is to date, and yes, sleep with other people "to see how it feels." Perhaps that is what I need to address right now and really see if I'm okay with it.
My gut tells me I have to be willing to let her sleep with someone else and eventually find her way back to me. I have to be able to handle that for both of us.
Not because I don't deserve to have someone who is loyal. I do. It is what I truly want.
But I also want to restore integrity in our relationship. But then again not at the price of vandalizing myself.
Hmmm.
Yeah. I think what I need right now is not another strategy or ploy or gamble.
What I need to know is that she wants to be with me for real over and above anybody else. And right now she simply doesn't, so that should be the end of it.
But I am believing I am still the one for her, that she will eventually come around, and I'm really not so attached to how she finds her way back to me because I know she was patient with me for years. Yes, it would certainly hurt seeing her with someone else...
In fact when I am really honest with myself I know that would REALLY hurt. But I think she has followed through on the divorce because in her mind being with another man is something she needs to explore and she cannot in good conscience do that while she is married.
Of course, she is denying the fact that breaking her promises to me also goes against her conscience...
Hmmm. Maybe that is something I need to be a stand for. Putting it that way maybe you are right.
On the other hand, what I really want is certainty within myself that I am truly loving myself and her.
Right now I am feeling that I am truly loving myself when I am working on my health and business, when I am enjoying myself with friends and family, when I am sharing and fully expressing myself and fully participating and being with people and living life in general, I feel like I am loving myself when I am dancing in the streets during the early morning hours listening to madonna singing ray of light on my iphone...I am loving myself anytime I am being happy with myself and these days that is pretty much all the time.
I feel like I am loving her when...
Aha. Here is something new.
I was going to say I feel like I am loving her when I am just letting her go and do whatever the hell she wants.
But now I'm thinking that is not really showing her all my love.
Showing her all my love would also be showing her all I see, and no I have not done that yet. I have shown her a lot of things with the intention to persuade and force her, but I have not shown her a lot of things that she feels can actually support her, or that demonstrate even more respect for myself.
Starting to get confused here so I feel there is still something here for me to learn. Something I am probably avoiding.
Now I'm starting to feel like I am working out my answer on that TV show "Who wants to be a millionaire?"
I think she still feels I have not given her a lot that she can actually hang her hat on, take to the bank, trust, use, etc.
I think she still feels it is too much effort to be with me and that relationships should not be so hard (See if she chokes on it, right Jack?) She knows I have been offering financial support that she continues to decline...
She knows I am here for her emotionally.
She knows I've offered her quality time and physical together which I knows she wants with someone but can't let herself go there with me...
Maybe that's the conversation we need to have again at a deeper level. We've talked about it before, but then I was coming from a place of need rather than of strength.
I think I will have to think about all of this some more and see how it really feels.
Thank you, again, Faith.
I am hearing you and taking it all in to see what it reveals.
Don't like that now I am confused again, but if I can be confused than I am not yet completely clear.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
