Hi everyone. I took some time off to deal with a death in the family and figure out what I want, where to go from here in the marriage.
Recap:
Married 2 years, dating 2 before that. My 2nd marriage (XH left for OW), his 3rd (he ended the other 2). He has 2 teenagers from XW1, no kids together. Perfect courtship, swept me off my feet, was Prince Charming. We got married and he turned into a toad with warts who couldn't care less about me, asked me to give up everything and who rarely ever had a kind word for me, much less a gesture. I nagged, felt neglected, betrayed, used, hurt. So I nagged more, criticized, tried to stand up for myself, didn't respect him. We fought non-stop for our whole first 2 years of marriage. MC after 1 year that was horrible and caused more harm than good.
In October, 1st Bomb, H wants a D. I started to DB (had 2 yrs experience from first marriage). By December we were back to laughing, talking, hanging out, ML, etc and the holidays were great. Little did I know H was "already seperated in his mind" and had "given up" and while I thought we were better than we had been in 2 years, he was on a dating site aggressively persuing anyone who would respond to him. Aggressively and desperately persuing anyone who would respond to him. Thankfully, few did. I found out about the site before he met anyone. I e-mailed every single woman he e-mailed, whether they responded or not, and told them he was married and that his profile was a lie. Yes, it made him angry, but no, I do not regret it. He also left me overnight in a broken vehicle because he didn't feel like driving to get me, as he was "done". This was after I spent every penny I had for Christmas for his kids and his mortgage payment (house he had before we married). He was cold, cruel, just downright hateful to me. I was devastated. He has yet to apologize for any of it. We did have many long, peaceful (though sad and very tearful) R talks in January and he seemed to change his mind and want to save the M. In February, I found panties hidden in on of his drawers. He swears they had been there so long that he forgot about them (ie before me).
I kept DB'ing. I have had slip ups, no doubt. I'm human. Some days I'm not sure at all I want the M or to DB but decided to keep DB'ing until I knew what I wanted. By February things seemed to be a bit better. Slowing getting there. Less arguments. One in early March. That's the last real fight. We get along though we are both still overly sensitive at times.. He has even said ILY first a few times. Having sex, joking, being friends. The kids on the other hand have been going off the deep end and acting like teenagers.
Biggest issues still:
* Trust - I've had a hard time getting over everything. I had trust issues before him, now they are magnified. I don't trust him or myself. I struggle daily with this.
* Boys - they have stressing out both households for the past few months with attitudes, disrespect, grades. They never see me and H fight, have no clue what's gone on. Our biggest issue with them is their mom doesn't follow through on discipline - which makes us the bad guys. Added stress on H.
* Jobs - H got laid off again. 4th time in 3 years. Money stress makes it all work.
* Boundaries - I have a hard time with these. I have a hard time standing up for myself. Oh I get angry, I have a mouth. But obviously I'm the type of woman men thinks it's ok to cheat on (since they all have).
* Snooping - that trust thing rearing it's ugly head. I occasionally check his e-mail, browser history, etc. Most of the time it helps me a lot to relax, sometimes it has bit me. I find junk mail in his trash and freak out.
* Did he cheat? - this one has been the hardest. In my heart, I know he cheated. I'm a smart woman. But I don't want to believe it because it makes it harder to DB, to try to save the marriage. So it's an unknown. Which is probably for the best because if I knew 100% he cheated with proof, I can't stay. I cannot forgive that.
* 180's - I've been slacking a bit. I haven't been cleaning as much or working out for the past few weeks. I've been under the gun at work and having a hard time keeping up.
So here we are now, mid April. Day and night from December but I'm still scared. H has been trying really hard. He's been a lot more attentive, less complaining, less losing his temper, more supportive, etc. I've been trying to work past the dating site/panties/etc stuff and move on. Go or get off the pot - DB or leave. I can't be halfway committed. All in or nothing at all. I am so scared I'm going to get my heart broken but I'm going to try my best to make this work and to forgive him and move forward. But I need my BITS help. I know I can't do this alone.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11