WAW and LBS

[bboom]

sandi2, Here are some answers.
I have read the WAW article a few times, and I have researched a bunch of threads on this Forum. I think I understand how my W got to the point to where she is now, and I can see in hindsight the mistakes I have made over the last few years.
I think part of my W's motivation for leaving is the fact that she is miserable and it makes her feel like a bad parent. The need to escape the burden may also play a part. Having a special needs kid has added some extra stress to my W in the last 11 years, plus getting laid-off 2 years ago didn't help. It probably doesn't help that the other kids in our extended families (my side and hers) are all over-achievers and my W has always had some bitterness and resentment about her own kids not measuring up. When she dropped the bomb 6-months ago she stressed how I wasn't there for her after she lost her job to boost her self esteem and she felt like a loser.

I keep a PMA and try to maintain a positive attitude around the kids and keep things fun. My W often stays upstairs in the bedroom watching sports on TV and texting. I take the kids to the park, or little mini-adventures when I can, and W usually stays home because she is tired (she spends a lot of time on the phone with OM when the kids and I are out).

My W admits that her relationship with OM has crossed a boundary, but she justifies it by saying she needs to be happy and she can't be happy with me. She has said a few times that she deserves to be happy and it shouldn't be so hard.

My D is 11 and she goes to public school and is very independant and self-sufficient. She gets home at 3:30 and her big brother watches her if my W and I aren't home.

[Blessed2BeADad]

I see slot of similarities in your story. My W however involved herself with at least 3 OM was discarded by the first one, recently dumped by the second and I believe she is clinging to the third, which she claimed was a long time friend (a FB rekindling... Never heard of him in 12 years). But it goes to show you how they cling onto that fantasy relationship and they all keep failing

[Blessed2BeADad]

I too have all 4 of my kids, which I know allows her to go out after work and enjoy a semi single lifestyle without kids, I feel she should have more responsibility too, but it's probably best for the kids to be with the more stable parent... Who is focused more on their best intreat and safety then OM... it concerns me greatly to have all these OM around my 3 daughters

[bboom]

I too have all 4 of my kids, which I know allows her to go out after work and enjoy a semi single lifestyle without kids, I feel she should have more responsibility too, but it's probably best for the kids to be with the more stable parent... Who is focused more on their best intreat and safety then OM... it concerns me greatly to have all these OM around my 3 daughters

I just caught up on your sitch. Sounds like your W and mine must be sisters. I got home from work tonight and W informs me she will be going to the hockey game tomorrow night. It seems a Guy friend of hers had an extra ticket. My reply "have fun". I have a township board meeting tomorrow night and a scout meeting, so I'll be bringing both kids along. It's fine with me, I'm detached and focusing on the kids.
On a positive note, as part of my 180 I did the income taxes, first time in 13 years. W had always done them, but I don't trust her with my money any more. Last year she took the refund and went furniture shopping without asking me. In this new reality where she is primarily thinking of herself, I'm keeping a close eye on the money.

[Blessed2BeADad]

You will notice that alot more as she exits. Mine was shopping to furnish her new pad months before I discovered it, without my approval. Used joint money to pay for her apartment, sifted through the household goods while I was at work. Lies & Deception! Beware

[bboom]

Brief Journal Update.
W mentioned the other night that she has spoken to a few divorce mediators recently, our state doesn't require lawyers to have a divorce. One of her GFs used a mediator and it was a low cost/ low drama alternative to having 2 lawyers slugging it out in court. My W seems to be looking for the path that would be least stressful for her, and less draining on our limited resources, but I resist the urge to try to figure out what is really motivating her. I have learned that it's pointless for me to try to figure out what is going on inside her head, and the reasons for her actions.
She did say that she didn't want to spend money that is needed for the kids on lawyers. She has also said that she doesn't want to attend MC because that would be a waste of money. I think she has a lot of guilt for mistakes she has made in the past that caused some financial damage to us as detailed in my initial thread.

[Starsky309]

Brief Journal Update.
W mentioned the other night that she has spoken to a few divorce mediators recently, our state doesn't require lawyers to have a divorce. One of her GFs used a mediator and it was a low cost/ low drama alternative to having 2 lawyers slugging it out in court. My W seems to be looking for the path that would be least stressful for her, and less draining on our limited resources, but I resist the urge to try to figure out what is really motivating her. I have learned that it's pointless for me to try to figure out what is going on inside her head, and the reasons for her actions.
She did say that she didn't want to spend money that is needed for the kids on lawyers. She has also said that she doesn't want to attend MC because that would be a waste of money. I think she has a lot of guilt for mistakes she has made in the past that caused some financial damage to us as detailed in my initial thread.

Bboom,

A mediator can be a good way to go, to help the two sides reach fair compromises, and to "speak reason" to each party when perhaps they're being UN-reasonable. But even with a mediator, it is highly recommended that you STILL have your own atty retained, and that you absolutely should run the final agreement past him/her before signing it.

"Money that should be spent on the kids" is a red herring: your state will enforce a strict formula for child support anyway. Your wife is just wanting this to all be easy, and needs to put on her BGPs.

Starsky

[bboom]

Pardon my update while I vent.
Sent text to W around 4:30 while on my way home from work and said "are you feeding the kids?".
Her reply "I'm on the road. So, no..."
Arrived home and asked S14 when mom left, his reply "she had to leave at 3:30 to get to the tailgate party, before the 7:00 game"
He then said "I told her you had a meeting tonight, and asked what we were doing with D11, but mom said "not my problem"."

Now I'm off to my board meeting with D11 while I scramble to find a ride to Boy Scouts for S14.
The funny thing is, I'm not really aggravated by this since I've come to expect her acting like a selfish 17-year old.

Gotta go.

[bboom]

Starsky, BGP? Big girl pants?

[bboom]

W got home around midnight from the hockey game. I'm in bed already, she says hi. I say "me and S14 watched the game, tough loss." She says "yea" Then she gets in bed and is snoring within 3 minutes. I didn't ask any questions. Never a word from her asking how the kids were or anything, wtf? Does she just not care? It's hard to imagine the level of distain or ambivalence she has toward me. I'm not sure if my DB efforts are working. The more I go dark, she just goes dark in response. What should I try next?