Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

Thank you Grace. I wish I had a way to communicate more with you as you are probablty the only real live person I am in contact with who has shares my experience.

I will try to see the movie.

Cutting is in the limelight now with what happened to Demi Lovato. My D showed it to me last night.

H on the other hand has been asking me for more information, about what I know regarding D's cutting, what we have talked about, so I let him know. I did it in a non-accusatory manner, very factual, but of course no matter how I present it, it will highlight our dysfunctional family dynamics at this point. I do acknowledge my share , which is actually the more direct one with regards to D. I realize that since D does not know the whole story, when she sees me weak, she interprets that as me giving up on her dad! That is why she shared with me her cutting story, she seems to be actually trying to convince me that I should do the same, so I can bear my pain inside me and not further hurt the status quo! Folie a deux...

Let me know of the books you have read that are helpful.

I have posted a message for you on the FB DB site.

T. Anjel/Angel

[Grace_O]

Angel,

I will definately look for you this weekend. I got a little overwhelmed this week.

If you are interested in non-fiction :
"A Bright Red Scream" by Marilee Strong
"Inside a Cutters Mind" by Jerusha Clark

Had some insights I found useful.

There are fiction books that I used to "backdoor" conversations with both my D's. It didn't always work, but there were times it let us talk about things through the characters.

I realize that since D does not know the whole story, when she sees me weak, she interprets that as me giving up on her dad!

When you say she sees you as weak, what is it she sees, or are you projecting?

[angel61]

I mean my anxiety attacks, or when she could see I am down and depressed. D and I spend a lot of time together, and she is very perceptive.

Question for you, since we are in the same area as I (Bay area - am I right) - do you know of any resources in the bay area that could help cutters? I am in the east bay, but if you know of anything reachable I am willing to go for it. I have Kaiser for my insurance but it seems like their resources are very limited.

[Grace_O]

My D's are older than yours is now. When it all started, my youngest was just a bit older than your D. I didn't have anxiety attacks per se, but did they ever see me down? Of course.

Without boring you with all the details, when they saw I was down and did or said something that made me aware that they were really aware (wierd sentence, sorry), I would talk with them about my plan of action. This did not have anything to do with H or my M or anything like that. It was more what I was doing in the way of classes, finding a job, what we needed to do to take care of scheduling things, school, the house etc.

I am in the North Bay (more or less). I have Kaiser also, and lets just say I pay for my D's counseling out of pocket.
They did have a group thing (as I recall) in Martinez.
Other than that I don't know of any resources other than finding a good counselor. Cutting is a major depressive episode and there might be groups that are a good addition to counseling, it gets wierd there b/c of the working with one therapist thing.

Does she have any special intrests that might help to occupy her mind and build her confidence?

[angel61]

As of now, she is at the stage where she dropped her previous interests and has not found replacements. She likes art, but is not into sports. I am trying looking to find things for her to do. She is very much into her academics, maintaining her top of the class standing in spite of all her troubles.

[Grace_O]

That's great that she's keeping her grades up.

Art is a really great way to express yourself. So is writing (poetry, stories, whatever), music and any of the "arts".
I know there are some really good classes if she is interested. The Crucible in SF comes to mind.

Answered you on FB.

[angel61]

I know. I realize now that she was probably feeling some depression that is why she dropped some of her previous activities.

But she knows that she has to learn other ways of coping and is trying to work up interest in outside activities. She loves to shop, but we did talk about not wanting to waste so much money.... she understand and is concerned for her college expenses, especially since she sees her dad spending a lot lately.

I'm at work now, will get to my FB later. I won't thank you yet......

[angel61]

Last night, I started a new family activity: praying together.

I was worried that H would not join, but he did. And he seemed to be very sincere in his prayers.

I am hopeful.

[Walking]

Hi Angel - I giggled when I read that.

Last night, I started a new family activity: praying together.

I was worried that H would not join, but he did. And he seemed to be very sincere in his prayers.

I am hopeful.

I'm all for introducing new family activities - but geesh ... praying together?? At home, not at church?? Ok - I used to do the Rosary at home with my Grandma and it was OK …. - but how about if you are going to introduce new family activities you do some stuff that might get everyone’s mind of all the “suffering” and into fun, high energy, team building, stuff. Angel – your husband is fantasizing about an exciting new life outside of your marriage; your daughter is cutting herself to get attention … and you guys decide to spice it all up …. By praying together??? ;-)

What about a board game night, or twister or charades or walking around the block – something where you guys have to interact, engage with each other and rely on each other, rather than work together individually to seek ultimate intervention!! lol

I’ve been reading along, and I’m interested in your daughters new acting-out. I was a cutter, from about 13 – 16. It was a tough time – I’m interested she talks to you about it – for me and most of my peers I was eventually in counseling with, cutting was an INTENSELY personal thing. I would never have raised the issue with my parents – even about a third party. Very, very private – so my outsider view is that while she struggles with learning about appropriate coping mechanisms (because she really does need to learn better ways of dealing with discomfort than cutting, acting out etc) she’s attention seeking rather than serious self mutilating ….

SO … when I read your post about praying together – I laughed out loud and thought to myself “Gee, when I was a cutter, if mum had have suggested praying together, I think I might have slashed my wrists!!” lol

Keep at it – you’re doing well. ((hugs)) V

[angel61]

Hey, I was so serious! V, you're irreverence cracks me up.

But we always did pride ourselves with being Catholic... we go to church every Sunday and D goes to Catholic school. However, we were never big on Bible reading and all that - more of the motions, but almost everything in our lives - asking for a child, guidance on what our next career move was to be, etc. was through prayer. That being said, it makes divorce not just as a personal decision but a moral and religious dilemma as well, with repercussions on the whole family.

One thing this sitch has taught me is to have more faith...to be more spiritual... and it has really helped me get through the pain.

It was actually D who one day after she told me about the cutting, came into H and my room and asked for her rosary because she wanted to start praying. I recognized that she is making an effort to identify right and wrong with regards to her actions. Thus the opening was made towards getting her to be in touch with her spiritual side. I just followed through.

Not to say that we don't try to do things together. I think this cutting episode made my H try to reconnect a little more - we did go on a wine tasting day last weekend with friends, we have had several little get togethers with friends in the past couple of weeks, and we are going on a 10 day vacation to our home country, 16 hours by air, by next week, to meet up with family and friends and go to resorts, etc.

No board games for us though .... H never ever did that in his whole life. Sports is also not one of our strong points. Food and travel and wine - now we are talking.

Regarding D's opening up to me, I think I know why: she actually was offering me a way to keep my pain in to preserve the status quo. She told me that me not being able to keep it in, she said that me showing my pain was hurting her and the situation. She sees me as the one who will give up on the M because of my hurt and pain. She of course does not know that it was H who had brought up D or S as I never told her about that, although in the end it was also H who could not accept the finality of a D and always backs out when I rise to the challenge.

D also sees me more as a friend, it is H who is really more of the parent. Not good I know but that is how things are, but I am trying to change that and be a friend and parent at the same time.

But maybe for this particular situation it worked well.

At the end of the day, all I could say is that if your are with God, what could be wrong with that?