The year of not my problem

[AJM]

ajm .. for the life of me, i can't seem to see this. it's almost as if i refuse to believe this. you are not the first person to say it .. but it doesn't sink in. and i want to believe you but i feel as if there is a barrier that is preventing me from believing this.

i know that if i do believe this .. i would truly let go. i honestly don't know what it will take.

What worked for me when I had those feelings? I realized she is a human being who makes her own choices. I realized she was seeking out people to support her claims. To make her feel sane. I know that. I finally gave myself permission to let go. To allow myself to have failed at singly handedly saving the marriage. Once I was able to give myself that permission, things changed drastically.

Nothing I did caused the marriage to fail. Was I perfect? Heck no. Not by a long shot. But I watched as she tried for a very long time to justify her decisions long after she made them. I still find stuff that indicates why I was so surprised by this. i.e. a valentine's card, or a note from her professing her undying love for me, and so on.

I own my short comings. I'll have more in the future relationships. Ok. I accept that and fully agree with it. But the real change came when I allowed myself to let go.

I haven't been in the same house with her in 10 months. The barrage is more because she has the time to focus on other things outside of her daily grind. For now. And because she wants to villify me and will use the kids to do it. I see that. It's not ok that it's happening, and it's not ok for her to treat me the way she does. But my recourse options are limited, and I'm much more concerned about getting my children what they need. Even at my expense, I'll see to it that they come out on top.
What I find is that recognition of my actions are not as important as I once thought they were. That comes later; sometimes much later. I've seen that. In other words, some of the things I thought were important, are not. I take things as they come and deal with them as needed. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Thank you DMIL. She will try to villify me. I know that. She'll try everything she can to make it my fault. She has since the beginning of all of this. When she fell through the looking glass and decided I was evil incarnate. I am not a victim any longer than I want to be. I choose not to be starting last year

I am not a victim. I could have left at any point. I find that is part of this - that I have "leave" her. I did. I am glad I did. Try it. He may have left first, but you still have to leave him DMIL. It's part of it I think.

AJ