AJ I have seen the (NA) in my and several other threads. I don't think it means the thread is locked. I do not know what it menas. Threads generally get locked after 100+ posts. You can copy the URL and paste it into a new thread to maintain continuity.
If you want to continue here you may wish to copy and paste it.
I wish I had words for you, but I have not caught up on your sitch recently.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
H came Subday w/ MIL, spent M all day at Hospital with son and I, Tues was able to come for a bit after work, will prob be here Sun (had to skip Thurs visit since he came M/T when MIL was here/post surg). He leaves the country Sun for a week. I wonder about leaving the next week to see fam, but still thinking about it. Need to do a mini trip.
Son has recovered very, very well. He'll have some little physical scars, but is just a tiny bit grouchy and partly because he is teething. Thanks for asking. Monday was very hard - we both cried a little. I also looked adorable - decided a cute casual outfit and makeup would offset some of how stressed I was...and it did help that I felt confident and preseentable v frazzledd and unruly. Plus H was supportive and in a similar mental place.
Still status quo - I've got to start using my laptop. My thumb is killing from typing on my phone!
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
2-3x now I have typed up posts and then lost battery or accidentally hit something and lost them. Erg, makes me nuts.
Anyway, other post is getting up around 100 and I know they shut them down, so I am starting a new thread. Cheesy country song title because...well...I feel like my life has been the lyrics to a crazy country song lately....
People are starting to find out about H and I. Hang on....posting and continuing just in case I lose this, I cannot stand to keep retyping everything.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
It's pouring down rain here tonight, like it has been in most of the country this week. Thank goodness the tornados and severe storms missed my loved ones. Prayers to those of you who are cleaning up with week.
My goal the last month or 2 or 3 has been to get through my son's minor surgery and deciding about going back to work, then make some of the bigger decisions. So, once people knew I was through that, the pressure started in from family and friends. I freaked, gracefully, and drove to Niagara Falls after my MIL left....spent the night....drove back....So, 16 hours with the kids in the car to spend the night at a hotel and get up and see things for 3-4 hours, then drive back. H was kind enough to book us a hotel when I told him I was halfway to Niagara with the kids. He asked me to send lots of pics in return. I sent some. He booked and paid for the hotel. I thought that was nice. It did not have free breakfast like I asked, but it said breakfast available and had a water park, so he was being nice....how I was supposed to take 2 babies into a pool I do not know?
Fair warning, this is going to be a long post with a lot of "..." I'll break it into a few entries
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Coming back from surgery, I told H that it was time for me to make some important decisions..like "whether or not I should let our 2.5 year old get a puppy and what kind?" (I was teasing, obviously) H was driving and totally fell for it - "Really??" - he wants her to have a dog. I said, "No, the only way she's going to get a dog is if we move in with my parents and my dad gets her one" he "Ohh, don't do that!" me "move in with my parents or let my dad be the one who gets her her 1st dog?" It was a pretty light convo, but it is time for me to figure some things out.
Last night (after we got home and settled in), I sent him a text and said that I had done a lot of thinking while driving and was really leaning towards moving home to my parents. It cuts me deep inside, but they deserve full time love and affection in a stable environment and I need help. I could not have gotten through the surgery without H and my mom AND his mom (the surgery got rescheduled and she flew out to cover when my mom had to fly home). I took the kids to niagara and couldn't even get a great picture (partly because it was cold) or a good nights sleep.
I'm still heartbroken....on a new level now, as I truly face the time ahead of me and trying to decide what to do and where to go. I know he's ruined the happy lives my kids could have had, betrayed my and their trust. I know I can give them something good to start from...they are going to have a lot of crap to work through, just like me, but what makes the most sense? If I fall apart or am struggling, I need to turn to other adults, not isolate my kids and I.
MIL came out Sun-weds. I asked H to take her home with him Sun. She didn't understand why she had to leave at 630, but I needed no stress, simple routine for the kids and I pre surgery. I got it and appreciated H making that happen. Although I flipped a little cause I took a nap since her flight was delayed and somehow she wound up making her connection and being on time and he would have just shown up with her at a messy house while we were all asleep. He said, she doesnt care if you haven't cleaned up...i said, I DO CARE. I was grumpy for the next hour, and he whined when I snapped at him, but come on. Wake me from a dead sleep calling me to say you are at the airport and my guest is 4 hours early? On top of being a cheating WAH?
His mom stresses me and I need to deal with that- she's nice, but very focused on herself (ok, she's honest about that) and steps on my personal space because I don't speak up. For example, she believes that positive thinking can change anything. She told me she went to a seminar and he gave her an arch in one foot. With the positive thinking, she is anti dark stuff, like bad movies, etc. On that, I really agree - I don't watch or read awful, scary stuff because I don't need that in my head. BUT, don't get down on me cause I am watching a music video for the 1st time and you don't like that it's about sick/bullied/unhappy kids, then tell me there was a car wreck 2 yrs ago that killed all but the kid in the carseat (then sit there in the car and try to remember and tell me the gorey details)....you can tell, right, that she just pushes my buttons? I do love her and my kids love her. I just need my space. Same thing with my older sister - she called that night after the surgery and said, well, now that that is done, I want to book my vacation. Are you coming with us or not? I love them both and they have been very supportive. I'm sure I drive them nuts too, and they still love me, so...ok.
Monday went really well at hospital. He was very supportive, we both kept it together. Tues he came home to see us and his mother. Weds he texted to check on kids. Thurs he called to check on kids and I told him I was freaking out some and driving to niagara (on my bucket list) to clear/organize my thoughts. Friday night I texted that I was leaning towards moving away (and leaving him to figure out how he was going to be a good dad).
He's coming here tomorrow to see the kids. I'm talking to my boss about detaching from the company next week, doing a mentored leave (basically quitting with door open). I'm going to talk to my dad about living in his rental house an hour from their house. That will give me space and freedom, but love and support nearby. He wants to sell it, but wouldnt mind renting it longer - to me IF he feels like we'd be safe in that neighborhood....that will be the hard sell. I'm going to get some career change info. I'm going to live my life as if my H is not going to be in it other than as a father. He needs to figure his crap out and me stalling my life is not going to help that. I'm not leaving early or sleeping around or being a b==tch. This is just another couple baby steps.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Guys, I am really struggling with all the stress and excess emotion. He's being kind and supportive and it's just making me angry and hurting me. Why couldn't we have been like this a year ago? How am I starting to feel more love for him again and there's no promise of love back? Maybe it's time to shut him out and go dark to shelter myself?
I need a vacation from myself. I'm so angry at him - what if I get stuck like this? Where's the boundary between db'ing and holding on to something that's gone or unhealthy?
It's some kind of healing crisis I guess. I got through to another level, so my mind is reopening some wounds that hadn't really healed so they can.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
OK, so H came over today. He met us in town at Subway, sat and ate with us and took D for ice cream while I took son to the drugstore for a few things. He said I was dressing out D just like me - that he could see me wearing what she had on - not sure if it was compliment, critique, or observation.
We came home, did a speedy Easter egg hunt (D loves it and asked if we could have one in the yard). Then nap time for kids. H wanted to see pics from our trip, then asked if I'd watched one of our regular shows. So we watched and sat around, he started some laundry for me.
He asked if we could take the kids out for a hike since the weather is nice. We went to wake them up and I crawled in D's bed while he got the baby. Well, he dropped baby into bed and crawled into the other side. we rolled them around the beds/floor/upstairs and played for a good hour, then took them to the playground for an hour. H gave son and I a horsey ride - it cracked D up to see baby on his back and me scrambling behind to keep up. D cried in the car on the way back from the playground about daddy going back to work and no daddy bye bye..... He got in at 1 and left close to 7:30. I gave him a hug when he said bye - it's felt comfortable and natural since the surgery. He just texted "wasn't it fun, playing with the kids this afternoon" Maybe i'll write back later, when the kids have gone to sleep.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
