Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

It is so hard to be presented with the real reasons why your spouse was not happy in the relationship, you having no idea they ever existed, not ever being told that there was unhappiness to them, now understanding that you could change and improve just by knowing them, and then being told that it is too late. How is that possible? Just give me a chance!

I just find it so difficult right now to know that these are the reasons why my W felt vulnerable enough to have an affair and destroy our family, and I never saw it coming.

These are things that are difficult for me as well. If I only would have known. How did I not see it?

Hindsight huh?

CS - It is one of those things where I was expected to pick up in the hints, I guess. Maybe she tried to bring up the things that bothered her, but I did not pick up on the seriousness of them. I will take my responsibility in the matter. In the end, I thought our relationship was pretty good except for the minor problems that I expected every marriage to have. Sure there were communication struggles and arguments over minor things. I never thought our M was in danger. Both of us come from stable households. Neither of us have a history of cheating. We had talked about our disdain for divorce and infidelity numerous times while we dated and married. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was simply blindsided.

Our couples therapist has had a theme of telling my W when I am not at fault for something when she does not communicate to me. These major problems were just another one of those. Therapist looked at my W and asked her if she ever told me that she felt unheard, unequal, caged. My W responded "no". Therapist followed "then how did you expect your H to understand and work on the problem". So frustrating.

At this point, I can only actively listen to her and validate her feelings. I can now start to grow and learn from what she is telling me. Whether or not she decides if it is too late is her decision, not mine.