He didn't sleep with me in the bed last night. That was really hard.
He chose to sleep on the couch. I didn't realize he was there until about 1 AM. I got up and asked if he wanted to come to bed and he said no. He had put the dogs in the bed to sleep with me though (I guess so I wouldn't have to sleep alone?). When I woke up this morning, he was still there. I told him I was up and if he wanted to sleep in the bed alone it was free, but he still declined. I know that couch is not that comfortable to sleep on (at least not a full night's worth). He's never not slept in the bed with me when he's home.
I asked about him speaking with Coworker (the one throwing us the couple's shower this Saturday. The one that I got specific permission from H to speak with about this whole sitch). He wanted to know why I wanted to know. I just told him if I was throwing a party for someone and they had been ignoring me for 6 weeks, I'd be pretty pissed. He said he spoke with Coworker briefly in the morning yesterday and made plans for lunch with him and another friend, but then they both ditched him. H seemed very hurt by this.
I was hoping Coworker would be more supportive of H. I know that Coworker is very upset with H, but I told him that I needed him to put his personal beliefs aside and be there for H during this because he had no one to go to and that's probably one of the reasons this had gotten so bad. I'm not saying Coworker doesn't have a right to be angry. H has done some terrible things. But I don't think it's going to help anyone to be an a-hole to H at this moment in time. He is not able/willing to accept responsibility for his actions right now, so giving him the cold shoulder just feeds his victim mentality.
Which makes me think that he is again putting the blame on me. If I had not said anything to Coworker, he would not know and therefore would not be abandoning H. So I'm wondering if that is why he slept alone last night. To punish me.
I also wonder if it's because of my actions last night. I came home after having dinner with a friend (much later than I told him too... didn't mean to do that intentionally, but it happened). We were watching One Hour Photo. I'd never seen the whole thing. We got to the scene where the main character discovers the father of the family he... admires? more like stalks.... is having an affair. This greatly upsets the main character. And it greatly upset me. I could only sit there for another 10 minutes before I abruptly got up and announced I was going to bed. I tried really hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't go any longer.
I don't know if H picked up on this or not. One of the few things H has communicated on frequently and consistently is the denial of any type of real relationship with person in California. He's really stuck to his guns on this, with that being the case with hardly anything else. But a part of me still just aches that this is simply a lie, like so many other things have been.
So I don't know why he didn't sleep with me. But it was really crappy regardless.
On a happier note, I auditioned for a church choir down the street from me (I used to be a heavily competitive singer, but haven't done anything in years). They seemed to like me so much they asked me to join that night to prepare for Holy Week in 3 weeks. And they were really good! It was so nice to be a part of a really nice choir and sing beautiful, complicated music again. There's also another pregnant lady in the soprano section with me, she's due two weeks after me. So it really filled my soul like it hasn't been filled in a very long time.
I think our shower will go fine tomorrow. I have no idea if we're doing anything tonight, but he said he would help me with my finance homework (he has access to things that I simply don't have access to to complete my homework). He seemed nicer this morning, just more receptive in general. I wonder if that's because he's leaving in two days.
Best friend really believes that he's not sleeping with the potential OW in California. I still just feel uncomfortable about it in general. And H has told me many times he's not having a PA with her, and doesn't really think it's been an EA either. But it still just leaves me uneasy.
I know I have to be super cool about him going to Cali. I don't know what time he's leaving, I just know he's leaving Sunday. I have no clue when he's coming back (although he did say it was only a week this time because his boss knows how close I am to my due date). My brother has agreed to stay with me next week so I won't be alone in the house while I'm 34 weeks pregnant.
I have a very busy week ahead, so at least I'll be occupied. And I'm taking care of wrapping up 2 major committments that I think will reflect well on me if I can show him those are finished despite all the BS that's been going on.
I still wish he wasn't going to be gone for a week. But his emotional unavailability is in some ways crappier when he's here than when he simply isn't here at all. He didn't ask me anything about the shower my work threw for me yesterday. He also hasn't asked about the baby at all in at least a few days.
I feel like most men have told me that they have all freaked out in some way before becoming a dad. And yes, I've heard of a few that did completely check out and abandon their child once it arrived, but that seems to be the exception and not the rule.
We just had a really great conversation. It did not start out so great though. He remembered that he agreed to help me with my finance homework (so that by itself is good), but he was being rather nasty about the way I was doing things, so I said, "hey, if you're going to be mean and nasty, I don't need your help and you can go elsewhere", and he quickly got it together. He actually wasn't all that helpful. I had found the website Mint.com a few hours before he came home, and that gave me a lot of tools that I didn't realize I had at my disposal. He even admitted it's a pretty cool tool that he had never seen before. I also told him I liked how it broke everything down to prove that I financially contribute a lot to the relationship. Again, he made some snarky comment, so I showed him the evidence and I said, "you make me feel like a freeloader financially speaking, and I just want you to realize that I give a lot to this. Not as much as you, but you make almost twice what I make". Again, this kind of shut him up.
A friend called in the middle of all this and I couldn't really talk, so I chit chatted a bit and then hung up. H quickly said, "well, if you're going to talk about me in front of me then I'll just go hang out with my friend now". I explained to him, in a very non-defensive, calm tone what had actually transpired (none of which was talking about him), and after a few minutes he realized that I was telling the truth. He apologized, said that he was making the worst assumptions, then told me it was alright to talk badly about him to my friends.
I assured him that I'm not. But again, he said it was fine if I needed to. WTH?
I told him that I was being honest with him, and I just wanted him to be honest with me, like why he didn't want to sleep in the bed the other night. He said, "I just need space".
"Ok, then tell me that" "I don't want to have a 40 minute conversation about why I need space" "Have we had 40 minute conversations about why you need space in the past 3 weeks?" "......No....." "Then just tell me that and I'll back off. But if you make up some BS lie, then yeah, I'm going to ask a lot of questions. I understand you need space, and I'm willing to give it. Just be honest." "....ok....."
Then he proceeded to tell me all about his day and what he was planning to do tonight with a friend (all of this was unsolicited info). As this was going so well, I threw out the wrench to see what would happen when the conversation veered near the topic.
"Yeah, D is big. I felt her move here and here at the same time today"
H quickly changed subject and made his exit. He still left on a very good note. I had to suppress the "ok, be safe, I love you."
Well, he's in California again. We had our couple's shower on Saturday. I think the shower itself went well, but I couldn't hold my tears back on the drive home. It was too hard thinking about all the wonderful things we could be doing together, but were uncertain seeing as I don't know where he stands on our marriage. He was actually the one to initiate talking about it though. He asked me why I was crying, and gave me an option not to talk about it if I didn't want to.
We ended up having a 2 hour conversation about our R. I didn't really want to, but it happened. There were times where both of us would want to stop talking, but the other would push. It probably would have gone longer, but we were both very tired. At the end of it though, H said, "I think it was a really good conversation. What do you think?"
I wasn't really sure what to think. I honestly don't remember everything. I mean, it was all things I've said before, just to other people and not to him. Things I was saving until he was a little more coherent. I guess this was the right time. I don't know. He apparently was receptive to it if he was the one to say it was a good conversation. I don't know what he thought was so good about it though.
I think if anything was good about it, it was my perspective on depression. Having been depressed, having a masters in psychology, and reading up on the subject of male depression specifically I think helped me make very good arguments as to what I thought was going on. He seemed to absorb that part well. And we also talked a lot about what we do to make the other person happy or unhappy.
I think he also received the logic that I presented that if he doesn't think I'm the problem necessarily (which he says he just knows he's unhappy, but it's not necessarily my fault) then I suggested that how does he know that leaving me will make him happy. I told him that going to California on a 75 dollar a day stipend in a fancy hotel on the beach is not real life, and for him to think that he's happy when that's the scenario is foolish. Life is about bills, and things breaking in the house, and babies crying and sometimes putting up with your spouse not being able to be a good spouse. And that if he thinks that leaving will make him fulfilled, how does he know? Just because I was a loud, out-going, crazy fun girl in college did NOT mean I was happy. I told myself that I was, but then when I would be alone by myself, I would cry. I told myself it was my mom, my hometown, my ex-boyfriend, my major... those were the things that made me miserable. So when I changed all that, and I was still miserable, it was a very hard realization. So is he willing to risk it all for something that he has no idea if it will make him happy? The only thing it will guarantee is less money due to child support, being away from his baby, and being away from the person who loves him almost unconditionally and has supported him for almost 8 years through all sorts of BS. Is it really worth the risk?
So I think it gave him some things to think about, and I think it made him realize some things. I don't know what those are, but the fact that he came away and said, "I thought it was a really good conversation"... and he said that twice in fact... makes me think things are going to slowly get better.
And today, for the first time since November, he asked about the baby when he wasn't physically present and staring at my stomach. He sent me an email (it appears as soon as he got in the office) asking how she was. And then we sent back several short emails about logistical stuff, but he would usually respond within an hour. Me, not so much. I'd usually wait 2-4 hours on each one.
He seems to be in a better place about us. I don't know what that is exactly, but it's better than it was before. He changed his timeline again about when he was going to discuss all this with me. Originally he was going to talk to me about how he felt as soon after the baby was born, then it went to 3 months, and then Saturday he said he was going to wait about 9 months.
I finished my woman financial class today. My class comes with a complimentary personal financial analysis from the people who ran the class. I gave them my information and a little bit of what was going on. Oh, apparently they specialize in divorce financial planning. Excellent. At least I'll be well prepared for the worst. And even if everything were to work out, I'll be all the more wiser.
I think what you're saying makes sense. You cried when you drove home from the shower. You were in touch with the happiness and joy, then you got back in the car with him. And there was very little of that. I would cry too!
You're right, too, about how does he know he'll find happiness without you, or in California, or whatever. He won't. He needs to clean up what's basic for him - his home, his relationship with you, etc. if he's ever going to move on ... successfully. When we leave someone we end up in a very similar situation if we don't take a good look at ourselves and change. You are the one who is changing and tapping into the joy that's around you through the coming birth of this new little one. He can't see that because he's not open to it right now. And that's sad. For both of you.
I don't understand the part about talking to you 9 months after the baby is born? What does that mean? He doesn't know what he feels right now?
II don't understand the part about talking to you 9 months after the baby is born? What does that mean? He doesn't know what he feels right now?
I think what he means is that he did not plan on going into how he feels about us until I was done being pregnant. He has made that really clear. That it was not his intention for all of this to blow up while I was pregnant. Which of course I retorted, "how would this be any easier with a newborn?". I mean, I understand that he doesn't want to interfere with her prenatal development, but it's not like this talk would have been any easier down the road. Plus, given his poor choices lately, who knows what he would have been doing if I let this play out for another year.
Hmm.. that's tough. Having just had a baby in a difficult relationship, I can tell you it's tough either way. Pregnant or with a newborn. But seems you already know that. Just odd that he wants to wait. For what? What is he going to tell you that he can't tell you now? That's what I don't understand. How will he know his feelings 6 or 8 months from now?
I think he can't tell me now because he has a really hard time identifying what he does feel and WHY he feels it. And honestly I think he's lying to himself about when he was going to tell me. I don't think he was ever going to tell me. I think he is confused and scared and making poor choices, and he knows they are poor choices. He's just not thinking logically at all.
I emailed with him briefly yesterday morning, but haven't heard anything since. Which is fine, I didn't expect to hear anything.
Although I am getting sick. Not like it's going to hurt the baby, but just really awful allergies making this 8.5 month pregnant woman all that much slower and physically exhausted. I have so much to do before she gets here. I have so much that I wanted to accomplish before H comes back home on Monday. Not that I don't think I won't be able to get most of it done, it's just hard getting those things finished, along with loose ties I need to tie off at work and all the while being ill. My brother is trying to help as best he can, but we have completely opposite work schedules, so getting things accomplished together is difficult. Hopefully I will get better by the weekend.
I just have to keep focused on my goals and attempt to not get overwhelmed.
I had a few coworkers today comment that they don't think this kid is going to let me even get to May before she comes. She's big and healthy, so I don't worry about her health if she were to come early. It would be a huge relief.
Today was the first day I felt what I thought was a defined body part. Not just a bump that appeared on the side. I'm pretty sure it was her little foot. It was amazing. I wish H could have been here to experience that with me.
