Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Couples Therapy Journal.

I am really going to try and keep this one a little shorter than the others. I have writing novels lately.

No real agenda this week from either side. After having a really difficult time closing last week with my wife angry from a misunderstanding of my words, I did feel like I needed to readdress the topic. I told my W that I did not wish to rehash the entirety of the conversation last week, but I did want to make sure that she did not go home with the incorrect interpretation of my words last week. Ends up, my W did take them home anyway. She feels like I was admitting to not ever thinking her opinion mattered and that I had just now decided to listen to her after five years and all of this recent turmoil. My therapist chimed in again to tell my wife that she did not hear that at all from my words. W asked therapist to allow me to explain again in my words.

I tried to explain again that I have always valued my W's opinion and have always intended for her to be on equal ground. I told her again that I have recently learned through my own self discovery of times where I should have encouraged more input from her. There have also been times that I went with the logical solution instead of the solution that she wanted. My decisions were never out of spite for my W. It wasn't all the time that this occurred. W came back to tell me that she has always felt unheard, on unequal ground, and caged. Instead of being angry about it in the last few years, she has said that she has gone numb and quit fighting about it.

Therapist chimed in to ask W if she had ever told me how she felt in the last few years while feeling these emotions. W said that she had not. I explained to my W that I never did anything intentionally to hurt her. I never want her to feel caged and unheard. That is a horrible way to feel. Therapist agreed that she sees that these previous actions were not done out of spite. I just never knew or did not recognize when they occurred, since W did not speak up to tell me that she was being hurt by them.

W said that she really started feeling caged just months after our wedding. She had written a list of crazy things that she wanted to do to "shake it up" after really starting to feel trapped. At the time, I actually encouraged this list and told my W that I would really support them and how exciting they would be to do. I had no idea at the time that the list was created because of me. These actions included everything from sky diving to laughing daily to having children to saying the words "i'm sorry".

My W feels as though the scars created from these feelings may never be healed. She does not think she can ever get past them. She mentioned that our lives are created through our past experiences and those experiences can never be forgotten. She says that she has an idea of what a marriage should look like, and the last five years is not what she thought. She is now not even sure if she wants what she thought a marriage should look like. She told me that the OW came in and it just clicked. All of the struggles and frustrations she had with me were not there. It was a very easy relationship. She is now working on herself to decide if that is what she truly needs in life.

I asked my W if she thinks that we are capable of learning more through our lives and growing from experiences. She agreed. I told her that I felt as though you may not always be able to release past experiences, but that the two of us grow and adapt according to them. This is how we improve our relationship over time. I explained to her that there will always be ups and downs but learning from each other through good experiences and bad is how we really develop our marriage. She said that she is not in love with me, and she does not know how that could ever change. She does not know how to simply get past that.

I tried to tell my W in the most heartfelt way I could that I am now really understanding where I had let her down in our past. From here, I can improve myself and how I treat her. Through this communication, we can improve our relationship and start our marriage over. She is just not sure if that is possible.

I walked out of this therapy session really feeling down. Unfortunately, it was probably evident in my attitude while leaving. I was very quiet and hurt. W gave me a hug and asked about my plans for the night. I mentioned I was meeting a friends for a beer. She told me to have fun.

With these words still impacting me, I realized that I needed to change my tone to my W. I sent her a quick text to tell her that I noticed she had pulled into a local hamburger spot after we left. Asked if she would give our S a kiss goodnight from me and that I would see them tomorrow. Upbeat and casual tone. She wrote back immediately to tell me that she would see me tomorrow and hoped I enjoyed time with friend. Not sure if I should have sent the text, but I wanted to make sure I didn't come across as being really sad.

In all honesty, I am feeling pretty down. It is so hard to be presented with the real reasons why your spouse was not happy in the relationship, you having no idea they ever existed, not ever being told that there was unhappiness to them, now understanding that you could change and improve just by knowing them, and then being told that it is too late. How is that possible? Just give me a chance!

I just find it so difficult right now to know that these are the reasons why my W felt vulnerable enough to have an affair and destroy our family, and I never saw it coming.

Here are my truths. I know that I need to keep working on myself. I know that this process will take time and patience on my part. I know my W is not in a place right now to forgive or reconcile. I know that I must not give up.