bboom. you're too focused on what your W is doing.
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I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, but It's hard not to picture my W and OM sitting in the church together, having a good time at the reception together, and continuing to bond as they discuss their common marriage problems.
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I'll be at home with the kids all night trying not to think about it
Who says you have to stay ay home with the kids? Take the kids out and have some fun. Don't sob and dwell on your W. What are you doing to be attractive and exciting?
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I'm almost to the point where I really want her out of the house so I don't have to know what she is doing and when she comes home.
When you get to the that point you should tell her: this situation isn't working for me, I feel it's best for you to find another place to live.
Facing your fears will be attractive.
or you could stay at home and think about your W having a great time with OM while you're having a pity party for yourself. NOT
So, what do you plan to do with the kids?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks gr8! I think you just gave me the kick in the a$$ I needed. I will go out with the kids, and it will be someplace fun where I can focus on them and not have a pity party. When the W and I had a long R talk the other night I agreed with her that the current sitch wasn't working for either of us and it would be best if she moved out. She is looking for a job now (since unemployment ran out 2 weeks ago) and I expect she will wait until she has an income before she does it.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
No one ever said being a single parent is easy. Reality will set in her when she starts to make big girl decisions. Finding a new place to live, supporting herself and the kids, adjusting her schedule to fit the needs of the kids, etc..
Don't be a rescuer. In fact start planning the things about for yourself. What kind of schedule would you llike to have with the kids? Start there and propose your thoughts about it to her.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
That sounds like good advice. The last thing you want to do right now is stay home and dwell on what your W is doing. Go out and have a great time with the kids!
I know from experience that facing your fears is not only attractive, but you are going to feel a whole lot better, too.
No one ever said being a single parent is easy. Reality will set in her when she starts to make big girl decisions. Finding a new place to live, supporting herself and the kids, adjusting her schedule to fit the needs of the kids, etc..
Don't be a rescuer. In fact start planning the things about for yourself. What kind of schedule would you llike to have with the kids? Start there and propose your thoughts about it to her.
The kids are staying in the house with me. I'm fine with that and confident I can be a good single parent. I will need to work out a plan/schedule so she stays involved with them and bears an appropriate level of the parenting duties. I think part of the reason my W want's to move out is so she can stand on her own 2 feet. She has mentioned in the past that she feels like a burden on me and she needs to be independant to find herself. I suspect her idea of independant includes living an unrestricted single lifestyle.
You are correct. I need to start planning these things. When I asked my W what her game plan is she said "I don't know, what do you think?". It's obvious she hasn't done much planning or considered all the details, she just has a notion of some future state where she is happy and everything is fine. From what I have learned on this forum the WAW rarely considers the details of the decisions & consequences as they move from their unhappy place to the happy destination off in the distance.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
She has mentioned in the past that she feels like a burden on me and she needs to be independant to find herself. I suspect her idea of independant includes living an unrestricted single lifestyle.
Wow! Sounds very familiar. I think my W is starting to figure out it ain't gonna happen this way. I think she needs to take some of the responsibility for the kids. I also think she's going to find that she is going to end up having even more responsiblity and less independence.
No question she is thinking very irrationally right now. Definitely working in ready-fire-aim mode. Continue to work on your GAL, because you are in competition with her idealized lifestyle, like it or not. When she asks about her game plan, feel free to help step her through it, but keep your distance at the same time.
My W went through the same. She resented what I saw as taking care of her and spoiling her. The independence will be good for her because she will feel good about herself yet be a total reality check at the same time. Be ready for some of these changes to stick after she comes back. She may demand to work which may be a good thing after reconciliation. As for OM remember to beat him in his own game by being positive and happy.
She has mentioned in the past that she feels like a burden on me and she needs to be independant to find herself. I suspect her idea of independant includes living an unrestricted single lifestyle. .
Pretty much the WAW script.
I need my space from you so I can find myself AKA: I want to be able to persue other interests in my life and you are getting in my way. Don't you know it's difficult to see OM while your M?
The WAW has the mind set of a 17yo highschool girl. Very unsure of herself.
It is best to validate their feelings and offer no solution(fixing) their problems.
I gonna tell you it works. I have gone out with a few women. Each time they made an excuse of why they didn't want to go out with me again I agreed with them. I didn't give them reasons to go out with me, just agreed and said I understand. EVERYONE of them contacted me within 10 days, asking me to go out again. You can't argue with results.
It works. Validation, confidence.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I gonna tell you it works. I have gone out with a few women. Each time they made an excuse of why they didn't want to go out with me again I agreed with them. I didn't give them reasons to go out with me, just agreed and said I understand. EVERYONE of them contacted me within 10 days, asking me to go out again. You can't argue with results.
Have you read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome?
Here are some of my personal views about a stitch such as yours. It's not a defense of the WAW, but just a POV that I hope might help somebody.
Whenever a mother is so "willing" to leave her children without even considering another option, I tend to think she's running away from how she feels in her daily role of wife and parent. They represent "burdens" and she wants out from under the weight of the M and motherhood.
If she's been a good mother in the past, then something has caused her to think she will be happier without being in the home and involve full-time with her children.....especially a child with special needs. Any child that requires more of us than what we think of as traditional care, can take a toll on some adults. So, I think she may be looking for escape.
She didn't just wake up one morning and was changed from the way she use to be. This has been in the works. Boredom, depression, exhaustion, unfulfilled expectations.....so many things can contribute to that emotional state that sets a person up to be vulnerable to the very thing your W seems to find herself.
Here's the problem with her connecting with OM. Whenever a woman is in an EA, she's fogged out of her mind with PEAS. She's high on fantasy. She can't be realistic about the future or responsibilities b/c the fantasy gets in her way of thinking correctly. And believe me, talks do not work! You can have a R talk and even feel better right then, but it doesn't fix her, and you'll find out that she's right back to the mindset of a WAW.
She may have started the old friendship with OM as a way of escaping her daily life....and then it developed into an EA. Of course, she should never have been connecting with him in the first place. She's living by her emotions. That's why she doesn't have a game plan.
Where does your special needs child stay when you are working?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
