Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

I'm sorry, I also meant to comment on Beatrice's wise words ... I surely have waited a long time, and I don't think he's getting it at all. You may be right, Beatrice.

[BeingMe]

WCW, I wish I could get to this point in my life. I had it, but lost it. I am studying, so it's not as if I don't have a life, with passions in it. I just need to have more companionship.

I think I have to find a quieter place away to think, and write all the facts down, and see what comes up. My H doesn't hate me, or is mean ... he is just not there very often. Even on the phone, he talks for about five minutes and just about his work. On weekends, he gets entertained by the work people. So, he doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about me, or our M ... that I can see, anyway.

I think I'm going crazy.

[Mila]

Being - that must be really hard and lonely...you don't really have a marriage partner, nor are you single....like living in a limbo. Hard to know what to do...the answers will have to come from within. Of course you are not happy in a relationship like that...who would be.

Would he go to marriage counseling is you asked him?

(((hugs)))

[BeingMe]

He said no the last time I asked, Mila. I feel like I've gone back to step one. Ugh!

[punkin]

Being,

I know you said you were taking classes, but do you work? Is there anywhere that would hire you around your schedule. Usually college towns will do that. I don't care what it is. If you can skate, apply at the Sonic Drive In. The point being, take steps to begin living YOUR OWN life without a nod from the King of Everything ( Sorry, I just love that song, it's so H) If you don't have the background behind you, you can't hold out for a management position. Start as a Sales Clerk.

True Story - My XSIL had it made as far as not needing to work. Husband had exec job, etc. She stayed home and played Mom to 3 boys. When the boys got older, she made an offhand comment to H that she might like to go back to working, she had some sort of Social Degree- and he made a smart comment, perhaps a Snort. Well, she went out and got a job as a Sales Clerk at Kole's. He was flabbergasted. He demanded she quit, but she wouldn't, and actually enjoyed the job. Eventually, she did quit, but to take care of her aging father. Her H learned a whole new respect for her.

All this to say that working, regardless of what it is, gives you a self-respect that is earned no other way, plus shows you- know-who that you are quite capable. ((HUGS))

[BeingMe]

I don't work at the moment ... I have worked most of our M, on and off, always following him with his career. So, I never managed to get anywhere. I am now at university trying to get a BA in Creative Writing with the idea that I could write anywhere, and maybe travel with H. Not sure that will be in the works now, although who knows the future.

I am proud of myself in that I am doing very well at school.

[WCW]

BM, what would it take to fill the holes of loneliness in your life?

How do you picture your life without your H?

[BeingMe]

I don't know how I would picture my life without H, WCW. I did 6 years ago, but I've gotten reconnected emotionally, my children are all leaving home, or spend a lot of time away, so I'm alone most of the time. Now I have to start all over again without a real support system here. I have found it quite difficult to make friends here ... I don't know why ... I usually find it very easy to make friends, but it's so different here. On top of all that, I had to deal with my stupid health. This is just not me. I laugh and smile and make fun of the fact that I could very well die from a recurring tumour, and that is the attitude one should have. The anti-seizure drugs makes my speech hesitant, and sometimes I can't find the right words. Inside, I am a mess. There are times I can get it together, but it gets worse the closer I get to having my annual MRI. No-one knows ... H isn't interested in knowing ... he just says not to feel that way.

So, I guess my life won't be much different without H ... I'm living it already. I think I may have to go back to our previous city where I know more people (older friends), have some family such as my D23 and her 3 children. That could fill the hole of loneliness. But, I will miss my D18 so much. I know she won't go with ... she has a life here and I wouldn't expect her to go with. I just never thought it would be this way.

My H promised it will be okay if we move here, but 6 years on, it's worse. I know my self-respect is suffering by staying with him. I have no credit, no financial independence, am getting rather old to get into the job market, especially with the way I speak now. I am better at writing than speaking anyway, so I will concntrate on doing that, and completing my degree.

Today, I got the garbage out, let the dog go do his thing outside, then went back to bed. D18 had slept over at a friend last night. I ignored all phone calls ... they were 1-800 numbers anyway. D18 came home and woke me up at about 12.30pm.

[BeingMe]

Okay, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. There is no value in that. Here is the following I intend doing in the next week:

1. contact a lawyer to seek legal advice ... i think i should start LS proceedings
2. seek out a counselor to talk to ... i hope to get my head straight
3. check to see if i can transfer my courses to colleges in our old city
4. find out where our finances stand, by searching for documents, etc.
5. start spreading my wings, and give this town another chance: join a club, work out at a gym, and so forth
6. start clearing the house of junk to get it ready for selling
7. find a part-time job ... I think I'm still on the books at the university ... i asked them to hold my file until i was better, which I am, just slower now

My D18 just came home from uni, and asked me if i would like to hang out tonight ... isn't she just the sweetest person?

[dl443322]

Good for you, Being!!! Atta girl.

Knowledge is power.

You can do this.

Keep going.