Marriage of 30 years incinerated out of the blue

[Smitty1038]

My sitch

Married for 30 years, 2 wonderful grown children unfortunately 16 years ago I betrayed my wife. We worked thru it and have had an incredibly happy and sucessful life. 4 weeks ago out of the blue, my wife said whe was going to file for divorce because of this past mistake. We had been incredibly happy together and this has devatated me. It happened so unexpectadly and suddenly and it has taken everyone by suprise. I and the kids are heartbroken. We were the perfect couple to all who knew us and I love her so deeply.

She has not yet informed her family of this which I think is a good thing. She is cold and distant when we do speak. We went to 2 counselling sessions and she said she will not go anymore. Last week was it she said. She was not participating she just kept saying she is done and she no longer wants to be married.

We have now been living apart for the last month and I am expecting to receive D papers any day. I do not know if she has someone else...she has gotten in great shape and been hitting the tanning booths....and looks great. I want to believe there isnt..perhaps there was and it is now over.

I groveled at first but have read DR and am trying to get a life and do a no contact (except when asked a question) 180.

Is there any hope or advice?

Smitty

Specs

Me 53, W 50
Married 30 years
Kids 21,25 (one married) both out of home
Living apart now
W now Refuses counseling
Informed me March 8th of this
I am new to posting so bear with me

[~¤DG¤~]

I think there is always hope, so don't give up.
Follow what the book says about lovingly detaching and continue to do your 180's for yourself.

Personally, I find it odd that she is choosing to leave now for your past infidelity 16 years ago. That is a heck of a long time to hold a grudge.

[TulsaTime]

That's becuse her reason is BS. Justification for her decision to leave the marriage. I'm sorry Smitty but looks like someone else is in the picture.

You did right to stop groveling.

There is always hope.

[~ kd ~]

Yes on hope and (probably) yes on BS.

Smitty, you have probably or will definitely hear this one... in fact, you will right now... :-)

In certain situations, you need to believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see...

Also, no one suddenly "falls out of love". You have pretty much been given the ILYBINILWY. And the tanning... mmm..hmmm...

I managed to convince my W to counseling. On the way to the third session, she admitted that she wasn't going to try to fix the M. She said that she wanted to use it to figure out why it happened and to help in the future. But from what I was getting out of the sessions, it was looking like an opportunity for her to prove to herself why I was the cause and problem.

Good on the DBing and 180.

So what are you doing to GAL for the time being?

And be happy (no real sarcasm there). You have not seen D papers, yet. That's a positive. Until YOU decide this is over, only THEN is it over.

[Smitty1038]

Thank you DelinquentGurl

I am doing 180 she will e-mail me a question about once a day...something to do with houeshold finances or taxes so I feel obligated to respond. Quite difficult as I am sure you know to be detached but I must remain focused and positive.

Thanks for support
Smitty1038

[Smitty1038]

Thank you Tulsatime

There is always hope...and I am changing myself and staying focused


....I may never know the reason that caused this sudden departure..

Thanks

[Smitty1038]

Thank you Kaffe Diem


Not sure if the other post I wrote went so writing you again..

Will heed your advice

Have gotten the ILYBINILWY and last marriage counseling session was painful as all I got was I am done and that she felt it was over.

Regarding GAl

I am working out and plan to get in the best shape I can as well. Have lost close to 30 lbs and am being diligent
Also plan to get back into Scuba diving and will see about becoming an instructor...been a few years but I have done a lot of this in my past.

Also spending time with the kids as they are devastated. My daughter is close by and I see her and her husband a few nights a week. Also call my son everyday and we are all going camping over easter.

I am careful as to what I say...they need support right now as well.

I will never give up on my marriage. I will not give into despair.

Thanks Kaffe

[sandi2]

she has gotten in great shape and been hitting the tanning booths....and looks great

Find the reason for her wanting to look young, fit, and pretty.....and you'll find the answer.

Are you sure she never discussed how unhappy she's been, or make complaints about you? Some women "try" for years to tell the H....but he's deaf and blind to what's she's trying to get across. Then she shuts up and he thinks everything is okay. Then the bomb hits.

[sandi2]

How are you doing Smitty?