Question About Anger

[meganna]

Brief recap: My H is in MLC, has had an EA and moved out. We have 2 young daughters 4 and 2, who he now "babysits" 3 days per week for a total of 15 hrs or less per week while I work. The bomb was dropped 2.5 months ago.

I am currently extremely angry at my H (not expressing it to him, but in my head and out loud to myself when I'm alone). I am angry that he is so selfish that he has basically abandoned his daughters and the majority of their care. I'm angry that he says he doesn't want to even try to work on the M for the sake of the kids. I am angry that D4 is crying every day because she want's daddy to come home so we can be a family again. I am angry that he is choosing himself over the kids. I feel there is NO excuse for not TRYING to save a M when there are kids involved.

My question is, what should I be doing about/with my anger? It sometimes scares me how often I rage at him in my head, because I don't want to "feed the fire" and have it burn out of control. But don't I need to go through this stage of grieving? I do find I can tell myself, when I start fuming, that I don't want to think about this right now, and distract myself with something else, but then later I will find myself thinking about it again without even realizing. It's like my default thought, my mind always goes back to it unless I'm occupied by something else or consciously forcing myself to NOT think about it. Should I keep "thought stopping" or should I let myself go through this anger stage, or should I set a time limit, like once a day I can think about it and "thought stop" the rest of the time?

Again, my main goal here is to not be consumed by the anger, because I believe it only breeds more anger. Although it is completely justified, it is also wasted energy and emotion, right?

[~¤DG¤~]

Personally, I don't view it as a wasted emotion. It's one of the steps in the grieving process.
However, maybe there is a more productive way for you to deal with it? Maybe take a kick boxing class or something to release some of that anger?
You'd be letting off some steam plus getting in shape along with it. Bonus!

A tip that helped me when going through a D with my first H. Like you, I was angry that he abandoned us and only thought about himself.
Instead of calling and screaming at him (which trust me, I wanted to do really bad) I would call the movie hotline at my local theatre and scream at the recording. Is that a little bit silly? Of course. Did it help? More than you know!

[~ kd ~]

Stopping the thought and the anger just keeps it with you. Perhaps it will dull with time, but there are creative and productive ways to vent the anger.

Yes, anger is part of the process and it will take as long as it takes to get through it. But as yoda would say, "through it, the anger you must get..."

Go beat on an inanimate object like a hay bale... :-)

[islander]

It's ok to be angry, and a completey normal reaction to what has happened. Just don't act on your anger. I am still angry every once in a while, and I am 5 months into this. I get angry a lot less, but it is still there.

I would let your anger out in some form of exercise. When I get angry or a little depressed, I go ou and run or go to the gym for a workout and that usually takes care of it.

Also, and this takes time, is to work o. Forgiveness. This is for yourself, not for him. If you don't forgive him, you let him hurt you twice, and you wont get past the anger.

[cat04]

Meganna,

Moving through the anger, is extremly important, because if you don't, it will spill out into all of your relationships eventually AND it will hamper your chances of reconciling your marriage.

You have to release it.

However you also have to understand why you are angry.

Is it really at him? Yes I am sure some of it is.

I am willing to bet it is also at the unfairness of the situation, at God, at the world, and at yourself...

Anger is usually rooted in fear...

What are you afraid of?

[JustStunned]

Anger like fear can be used to motivate yourself to something positive. This is what I try to do after I’ve decided enough “of dwelling on anger” is enough.

Being physically active helps me endorphins are great.
CC Skiing
Walking the dog
Yard work
Jogging, plan to, need shoes

An activity that requires precise steps, concentration and movement helps me.
Archery
Those Tai Chi tapes are beckoning

Beating the h*ll out of a drum head helps me.
Djembe

Meditation helps me.
The flame on our most recent unity candle helps my focus I take joy in the irony of using this candles flame for healing.

Prayer handing this sitch over to my deity helps me.

The forgiveness Islander talks about is a big hurdle for me, but I agree, and I think it is a step in letting go of the hurt.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

meg

It is a natural feeling to have early on in the process.(((meganna))).

The thing about your anger towards your H is he doesn't have the same feelings about the situation as you do.

When people don't see things the way we see them, we get frustrated.

All of us here believe in working on saving the M. These are our beliefs. These are our values.
Our partners see it differently.
Who's right and who's wrong? Who's to say?
Your feelings feel right to you, his feelings feel right to him.


Letting go and not judging him will reduce the anger.
We can not control the actions of our spouses.

Focus on the things you can control....yourself.

Hope this helps.
gr8

[alamo76]

Anger like fear can be used to motivate yourself to something positive. This is what I try to do after I’ve decided enough “of dwelling on anger” is enough.

Being physically active helps me endorphins are great.
CC Skiing
Walking the dog
Yard work
Jogging, plan to, need shoes

An activity that requires precise steps, concentration and movement helps me.
Archery
Those Tai Chi tapes are beckoning

Beating the h*ll out of a drum head helps me.
Djembe

Meditation helps me.
The flame on our most recent unity candle helps my focus I take joy in the irony of using this candles flame for healing.

Prayer handing this sitch over to my deity helps me.

The forgiveness Islander talks about is a big hurdle for me, but I agree, and I think it is a step in letting go of the hurt.

You do archery, Djembe and Tai Chi, among other things? ...You're not a member of the Dos Equis "Most Interesting" club, are you?

[JustStunned]

You do archery, Djembe and Tai Chi, among other things? ...You're not a member of the Dos Equis "Most Interesting" club, are you?

Ah no, Archery since I was 16. My first real bow was a browning recurve. Cedar shafts fletched with real feathers

The Djembe was a gift from a friend about 12 yrs ago. I've been to more than a few drumming circles.

The Tai Chi tapes are W's but they are calling to me.

I also WW raft and rappel. Getting to stiff to rock climb anymore.

Sorry for the thread jack.

Point is while you will have the anger and it must be dealt with you don't have to and shouldn't dwell on it. Doing things, GAL helps to detach. When you are in a calmer state of mind you are in a better position to examine the causes of the anger and determine how to deal with the sources of it in as positive a manner as possible.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Again, my main goal here is to not be consumed by the anger, because I believe it only breeds more anger. Although it is completely justified, it is also wasted energy and emotion, right?

It also shows up in your actions, mood and words despite your best attempts at stifling it.