Hey meganna... first I've seen your posts so I'm responding here, but will seek out more info in other topics you may have started.
I understand that many new therapists are "brief" or solution oriented. It is the belief that revealing and understanding the history of the subject(s) as the root cause of the current problem is a long process and (while not irrelevant) does not take care of the more immediate problem in a positive way.
You may have to accept that your H may NEVER make the connection between his past and his behaviour NOW. So what might better help is understanding his current behaviour and look at possible, positive remedies utilizing his current behavioural model to affect positive change.
But, as greenblue90 paraphrased the gist of DB, understand first and foremost that one cannot change someone else. One can only work on oneself. Those positive changes in oneself can be incentive for the spouse questioning the relationship to reconsider "fixing" the relationship (thus fixing themselves first, for the good of the relationship).
Do you need your H to accept he's the "problem?" Or are you just hoping your H will accept why he is who he is? And are you hoping that his understanding of why he is who he is will help enlighten him to wanting to save the M?
It may be very possible, if your H is MLC, that he is rather planning his escape route, and so will simply find some other reason why your M will not work... and in his mind, you are actually to blame for all the M and his' problems...
