Another New Day 2

[Starsky309]

As soon as my D walks in the house with me, she says, "dad, I already know XXX has a boyfriend, and his name is XXX." I ask her where she heard that from, and she says my SD told her. I asked her what else she said, and she said that was it. I told my D that was not true, my W does not have a boyfriend, that she is married to me and I am her husband, and that she shouldn't say that again.

Islander, I'm confused. I thought your wife was still having an affair? Did she agree to end it?

I'm sorry if I missed that.

Starsky

[ninelives]

Tough one Islander. You know whats going on but when you hear it, that really brings it home.

Not sure how to discuss this with the kids. Im not sure denying it is the best either and when I say IM not sure, I mean it.

Hang in there Islander.

9

[islander]

9, Starsky

My D just turned 6 years old, and I thought it was best not to really get into any details about my W and what she is doing. It hurt me a lot to hear her say that to me. But I don't think she needs to know. And she knows we are married, and that my W is not living with us right now. I figured that is enough info for a 6 year old to process.

My W tm me a little bit ago and asked when my parents were leaving with the girls. I told her. She then thanked me for letting her take my D this weekend. I said your welcome, and that they had fun together.

Nothing else, I left it at that.

[islander]

I am still pretty upset by my Ds comment the other day. I don't think that I realized how much it hit home and bothered me. I am just dying to remember that it was from a conversation between kids, but it came from somewhere.

My SD asked me if me and her mom where going to my parents with them next week. When I told her no (we have to work) she was dissappointed. I could tell she really wanted us both to go.

I am meeting my W in the morning to do our taxes and pay a couple of bills. Hopefully things go well and I maintain composure.

[islander]

I just realized it has been 5 months to the day since my life as I knew it changed forever. I really can't believe it has been that long. It literally feels like a blur looking back on it. A few more days and it will be 3 months since my W moved out.

I am really wondering how much of this a person can take and remain sane. This has been such an emotional roller coaster. I know I have not detached properly, and that hasn't helped me at all. However, I am slightly better than I was in the beginning. Progress, however small, is still progress.

[islander]

Well, W called me tonight to talk about doing our taxes in the morning.

She almost always sends me a tm when she has something to say. I hope this is a babystep, but idk. It is on my list of goals, that she would call instead of tm.

I guess I will have to give it a little time to see if it is progress or not. I will update tomorrow how things go when we do our taxes.

[~ kd ~]

Hey islander, wishing you well...

I know two things for sure:

There are no do-overs

We cannot unknow something... (well, maybe MLCers can, but most can't)

What ever your D said to you, it came from somewhere. Whether your SD told her or whether your D pieced it together and simply said your SD told her is probably up for debate.

My D8 has told me things and indicated my D13 told her that, or that my D13 was there when my W said something and I've asked my D13 and she denies saying or being aware of the comments. The point being, I will never know the complete truth and I must be OK with that.

So you cannot take away what your D believes (or says) she heard from her SD. Many possible repercussions from trying to respond to D regarding those types of things.

Your response to your D is what you said, so there's no taking it back. Perhaps in another life or if the question ever comes up again, you can simply state that you and your W are married and are talking about things and leave it at that. That's what your D wants to know anyhow. That you and your W are talking. It gives them a sense of security that both of you have her best interest at heart.

[islander]

I know it doesn't make that much of a difference, but I am sure my D got her info from my SD. There is no other wag she would know.

Anyway, I figure my D is 6, and I think what I told her was ok. My SD knows what is going on, but I also know she doesn't understand it either. She is always asking if me and my W are going to, or says something like we can sleep in the tent next time, or things like that. I just tell her maybe one day, or well see. I advent placed any blame on my W when I talk to them. But my MIL did tell my SD that her mom wasnt doing the right things and told her what is going on.

[~ kd ~]

It's all cool. You are their parent and you do know them best. I had mentioned this to ninelives. One thing you should remember is to not use the kids to relay info back and forth between the parents.

Disclaimer: In our province, it is mandatory to take a course on supporting the kids through separation and divorce. While many go because they have to (in order to argue custody issues in court), the information is valuable. I'd like to share some info on developmental concerns that the "pros" have determined for the age group of your kids. I will keep the info short, but ask for more if you would like. I won't post all of it here.

~~~~

Ages 6 - 9
Possible experience: feelings of being rejected by both parents, feeling sad, guilt, anger and loneliness, long for parent they are not currently with (ie. when I have D8, she wants W, when W has D8, she wants me), fears or even loathes idea of a "new" parent

Possible signs of distress: cries often, deny feelings, spends a lot of alone time, concentration problems at school, tests parents' love by acting out negatively, possible suicidal fantasies

Needs: parents to show (them) understanding and love, help them talk about and express their feelings, say good things about the other spouse, needs a lot of (alone) time with parent(s) (the one they are physically with), given permission to love both parents

Age 9 - 12
Possible experience: feeling like they must choose between parents, feeling conflict over their needs vs. that of others, possible intense anger, embarrassment over situation, worry over parents, feelings of being rejected (by one or both parents), shaken sense of identity

Possible signs of distress: act like divorce no big deal, loss of ability to concentrate, acting out at school, worry about many things, possibly become sexually active, girls may become aggressive and also try harder to please, having accidents (not bladder, but hurting themselves more often, accidentally), possible suicide attempts

Needs: knowledge that parents are taking care of themselves or are being taken care of (by pros, for example), that they are not needing to choose between parents (no loyalty requests from parents), have permission to still "be a kid", be allowed to love both parents, have permission to talk about their feelings, either with parent or with others (even their friends)

~~~~~~~~

Take that for what it's worth for you. Maybe you will get lots from that and maybe you already know that stuff.

Best wishes your way!

[islander]

KD,
Thanks for the info. I actually went to a class like that a couple of years ago in reference to my SD.

My W just left and our taxes are done. We interacted good, and there was not any ackwardness. I was a little nervous at the begining, bc I was not sure how I was going to act. I know what I wanted to say, but I kept my mouth shut.

My W and I sat very close to one another while doing our taxes. There were times when our legs were touching or resting on one anothers, she did not pull away or try to maintain any distance from me.

While we were going over the taxes, my W made several comments about how we will be able to get more money back on our taxes next year when we file.

There was not any type of R or D talk at all. The only thing I was my W stated she was tired and wanted to get an hour of sleep bf she went to work. It was getting late, so I asked her if she just wanted to sleep here for an hour and then leave. She said no, she was just going to go "home" and then go to work. I kept my mouth shut when she said "home", but you can imagine what I was thinking.

All in all, everything went ok, and I could not have expected it to go any better (unless she said she wanted to work on our M). She looked very beautiful, and having her in the house makes me miss her soooo much. (I just wonder how I was so blind to her needs, what was wrong with me.)