Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Hey BITS,

Yes, I know, some may have been wondering "where is FOBD?" Well, I will tell you. FOBD took some time to deal with his sitch in his own way and fell off the grid for a spell. The constant strain of dealing with my W and coming here was beginning to be too much. I just needed to get away for a bit and try to deal with my own demons as well as my sitch. So, I am back tonight to update:

There is some news to report. After numerous missed attempts, my W and I met on Sunday night to finally get the D rolling. I have hired an A and he will be taking care of the paperwork. My w has agreed to let him handle everything and she is going to have another A simply review what is drummed up. She is still very much on the fast track to the D and I have decided that not only am I not going to stand in the way, I am going to pay for most of it. She in return has offered to waiver her rights to just about everything other than the equity in the house and some investments. In other words, I am hoping I am not going to get cleaned out. I guess there is a silver lining here.

She still harbors so much anger toward me. But, it doesn't show it's ugly head as much as it once did. We met for two hours and most of the meeting was cordial. I was amazed at myself. For two hours, I never once raised my voice, clinched my teeth or argued just for the sake of winning an argument. It was quite refreshing. Not, I have to tell on myself. Numerous times during the meeting, I did backslide and do stupid things like bring up the OM and initiate R talk. But, all in all, I did the best I could. I don't remember enough to do a blow by blow, but here is the gist of things:

My points:

1) I love you enough to not stand in the way of this D. If this D is what you want, this is what you will have.
2) I no longer harbor any resentment against you for leaving. I was an ass to live with and you had to go. Nobody to blame but me. My bad and I am very, very sorry.
3) I still care deeply for you and always will. You are going to have to accept that and there is nothing you can do about it (said with a huge smile and a laugh).
4) Held her hands while I told her that I was sorry for not recognizing that she was depressed and ready to leave the M a full year before she did. Once again, my bad and I am sorry.
5) Life has to move on. I will miss you, but it is what it is.
6) I am disappointed in you for your attitude at times during this thing. You have done some horrible things to me and this will stop. I have given you everything you have asked for and you have not granted me this gesture in return. I must stand up for myself and you will have to respect me and my wishes going forward (This was inserted on the recommendation by my DB coach after some of my W's crappy behavior)

Her points:

1) This is over and I need this D.
2) I never meant to hurt you, but I know I did (No apology followed this remark. But, OK, her choice).
3) You are concerned about the involvement of an OM. Well, it is none of your business and I won't even justify this with an explanation. I owe you nothing and I can do what I want. (One interesting comment she made was, "You do realize that I didn't leave you for an OM, right? It is just that when I left I was done." She has made it a point to be a total jerk to me when the subject comes up which only, in my opinion, solidifies my unfortunate concern he is there lurking in the dark. I did hit back slightly toward the end of this topic. As I saw it was starting to sour the moment, I looked her in the eyes and stated, "W, you can do whatever you want. I clearly can't stop you. But, I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop doing it while you continue to wear the wedding band I gave to you on your hand." She became very embarrassed and that was it for that topic. This is the first time since she left that I pointed out to her that she still wears her wedding band on her right hand. I guess it will be missing the next time I see her.)
4) I don't like the fact that you have come here tonight to tell me the things I have done wrong. You forced my hand in some of my behavior.

Regardless, when it was all over, I let her know my A would be moving forward this week. She was very pleased. There were touching moments, there were heated moments, there were sad moments where we both were crying. I do admit I did say some things that I later regretted.

But, she still does not "get it" in many ways. She continues to think she can walk away from our M, D me and all will be fine. At times during the discussion she got upset when I politely pointed out to her the negative sides of this D. I didn't to that to make her feel bad. I did it because I truly believe she has not yet considered these issues. And, I was right. She has apparently blocked out thoughts of the bad that will come from this. My pointing it out mad her angry. It was sad. At times, she was like a spoiled child during the convo. She also did not like it one bit when I stood up for myself. Whenever I would she would say, "Look, I thought we came here to talk about the D, not about the past." That seemed to be her trump card to play anytime things didn't go her way. Kind of sad to watch.

Unfortunately for her, she does owe me quite a bit of money right now for insurance and other items. I politely informed her that she would have to pay me that money at the meeting. She became visibly upset and informed me that she would not be able to pay me at the table as she would have to take it out of her saving account. She asked if she could come by the house the next evening and give me a check. She then asked me again why she even had to pay me. I politely reminded her that was the deal we made when she left. I would keep her on my insurances, but she would have to pay me until she got her own policies. On Sunday night, she acted like this was foreign to her even though she wrote me a check in Jan for the the last three months of last year. Very weird. I think it came down to control. In this instance, she clearly had to relinquish control to me and she gets very nasty and angry when she has to do this. I was polite and smiled the entire time.

At times, she pretty much explained to me that she had given all she was going to give because she was the main person giving during our R over the past 15 years. She pretty much told me that she doesn't have to comply with any of my wishes because she has already sacrificed enough over the years. I validated her sentiments and explained to her that I did appreciated what she did over the years. But, the past is the past and that will not govern here. The D will be fair and equitable. She also didn't like that point either. But, I smiled as I said it all.

As we left the meeting, we stopped for a minute in the parking lot. She looked very nervous. She didn't like the fact that I told her there would be certain aspects of the D that I would require so that the sitch could be fair to me (I cleared these comments with my DB coach before I used them in front of her to make sure I wasn't out of line.) None the less, I decided to do what was right. I touched her on the back of the arm and asked her to look me in the eyes. I then told her, "W, you have my word you will get a fair deal in this thing. I have loved you for 15 years and despite what has happened, I still love you. Please stop worrying about the division of the property, money and such. I will make sure you are treated fairly." She thanked me and we talked a bit more. At this point, I was emotionally exhausted. I greeted her "good night," and she gave me this really weak one-armed hug. As we pulled away, I again assured her that she would be treated fairly. She stood there emotionless. I began to walk away. As I did, I turned back to her and called her. She turned around. I stated, "You know, I really wish you could see me now." I turned back again and left her standing there in the parking lot...

Funny, you have to spend thousands of dollars and find just the right place to hold a wedding and take your vows. The entire world has to stop and pay attention as you begin your life together. This weekend, my marriage ended in a deli 20 feet from a sandwich counter. No one even noticed we were there. 10 years ago, in a loving ceremony in a beautifully landscaped garden filled with hundreds of our family and friends, we gave life to our love that was supposed to last a lifetime. On Sunday night, we buried our marriage in a parking lot outside of a restaurant and no one even passed by as we did it. Really, really sad.

There is more to the story as she called me on Monday. It was quite interesting what took place, but I am tired and need to head to bed. I will post Part 2 tomorrow night. No, there is no happy ending. Just more drama, more crying, more pain. Will this ever end?

FOBD