CTH, it absolutely helps. Perspective has been the hardest thing for me. I've been called (rightfully so) naieve, blind, etc. Know what though? I'll take that over screwed up and angry. Any day. I'm not so naive that I don't see things. I'm naive in looking for the best in people. That's just me, and I'm thankful for it. I've been over every single piece of my personality during the first parts of this storm. Everything. At one point I felt as if I was sandblasted and had nothing but bare metal. I'm faster, stronger, ... wait. I'm not a bionic man
I suspect that the desire to "win" is tied to the desire to protect. I'm not sure that I know the difference between "winning" and protecting myself yet. I do know that part of the protection was to jettison the things I could do without. There is nothing left. I gave it to her. Everything but the house and the kids. She chose to leave much, but that's not because I cared or didn't offer.
I do realize I am a winner. I am the lucky one that doesn't have to live with guilt or try to rationalize the events any longer than I choose with no repurcussions. I have no regrets. I've chnaged the things I needed to. There literally is nothing left to do but walk away.
A love interest? Those aren't hard to find. One worthy of keeping? That's different in my opinion. She was special to me and I wanted her in my life, but I realized early on that I do not "need" her to be. I'm much happier without her than I have been in many years. That's not to say I didn't think I was happy with her and could be happy with her. I could and was. But I find myself happier more and more each day. What I need now is for her to go quietly away and stop trying to hurt me. It feels like she is trying to justify her decision by hurting me. I can handle it, but it's a pain to be harassed like that. I'm tied in because of the kids and that's not a very freeing feeling. I'll do it for them, but would prefer not to have to. Make sense?
Thanks for posting CTH. It does help.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
