but one can't fight alone forever...I'm still going through this whole process...
I'm finally getting to the point where it isn't ALL consuming...just MOSTLY consuming...
Why not, you only give up when YOU shut the door. When YOU choose that so much damage has been done you could not foregive to get back to build a new marriage.
Your marriage is over at BD the rest is just paperwork. But YOU get to choose anything about YOU, the MLC'er will try to force you to choose what they want but that doesn't mean that YOU have to.
but one can't fight alone forever...I'm still going through this whole process...
I'm finally getting to the point where it isn't ALL consuming...just MOSTLY consuming...
Why not, you only give up when YOU shut the door. When YOU choose that so much damage has been done you could not foregive to get back to build a new marriage.
Your marriage is over at BD the rest is just paperwork. But YOU get to choose anything about YOU, the MLC'er will try to force you to choose what they want but that doesn't mean that YOU have to.
What he said
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You said it feels so surreal right now. You've been registered here a little longer than I, but I still so strongly remember those feelings. When I finally walked out the door, the morning before my W came back from a conference. Kids were in school, my stuff (most, not all) was moved to my new place, and I shut the door for the last time to the house I'd lived in for 6 years, as it was no longer my home.
The reality sets in (perceived, mind you) that it is over. You don't want it, but it just is... as far as you can tell... and things are just... weird... and sad... and... whatever...
And it took me a long time. Probably the four months before I registered here, to even begin to see that it just feels like that, for a while. Then the rest of the emotions set in, in their own time.
It was mentioned above that it is only over until YOU say its over.
How many times over the short time I've been here, have I thought it was over. Believed it was over. Wanted it to be over. And I'm still here, and I will not be D until I finally sign the papers. Papers that I have not been served with. May never be served with. Who knows...? *shrug*
Even after being done. "No, I'm really done now. It is over. I can't take it any more. I will never put that ring back on my finger."
The ring is back on my finger and it will stay there (while) because I AM M. Until I am not.
You DO control when it's over. Because YOU determine when you finally move on. Appreciate that knowledge and enjoy it. And GAL.
Well, a big update for sure. And not for the better. She must have had a bad day at work (her new job) bc she went crazy on me, saying I'm hampering her financially.
She had a credit card company call her saying a bill wasn't paid. I assured her it was and that the company just wasn't communicating with itself. I showed her on the website that we were all paid. Problem one solved.
She had another card that I thought she had canceled a few months back after I asked her to. It wasn't in my name so I couldn't cancel it. Well, it must have slipped her mind and she didn't cancel it. She tried to use it to pay her attorney and was denied. She then found out that she hadn't paid it and instantly blamed me. I pay all of the bills - bills that I KNOW we have. I didn't know we had this one and therefore didn't pay a phantom bill.
She accused me of trying to cut her off and control her. I said I was doing neither bc I didn't even know about the card. She asked me to pay a minimal amount of which I did instantly.
Then the fun began. I called my atty to say, let's just end this. I'm done and can't deal anymore. Call her atty and give her basically what she wants...
now if you don't know the gist of the sitch, I was duped into moving 2400 miles away from my home, leave my friends, church, career...yadda yadda.
Well, apparently W thought that we could do a quick dissolution in about 40 days. I believed that and thought ok, let's get it over with. BUT before I came to this conclusion, as I was still fighting for the M, I asked for us to wait a few months to work on things. I did find out that you couldn't get a D in a different state until you lived there for 6 months.
After I talked to my atty, the atty called her atty. Then the stink hit the fan. W texted me dropping f bombs a plenty. "Well, you got your f'ing wish! We can't get a D for 6 months!" She spewed so much venom at me it was amazing.
Like I had this all planned out.
As a matter of fact, she accused me of planning this whole divorce. So...I gave up everything to become miserable JUST to get you to divorce me?
very rational thinking.
So, following my atty's advice, I cut her off from one of the credit cards. The one in my name. She still had one in her name and was to do the same. I didn't touch the bank bc we would need it to pay off things. Plus, I trusted her to not do anything...
now here's where the problem is. See, I did all of the finances and she knows nothing about it. So when she sees herself cut off from a credit card, she thinks the world is ending and goes absolutely nuts.
I assured her that she still has her card and that we will pay it off whenever we get the bill. It's still all good except instead of two cards, she has one...I only have one as well. My bills and her bills. I will still pay both but at least they are easily separated.
She can't get it through her head. She gets sick and is throwing up all night. I think her guilt finally got a hold of her...she has finally seen that she is living in a house that she can't afford. She has bills that she won't be able to pay...
in other words, she thought this whole thing out but didn't do it very intelligently.
The funny thing is, I don't want her to go through this pain. Although she made this bed and has to lie in it, I don't want it to be this difficult on her. I have done nothing wrong and yet I get vilified for it.
I do realize that she is completely MLC and I'm dealing with something else that sorta looks like my W. Rationality be damned.
oh and I won't even get into what her mother is saying about this. I've caught them in so many lies, it's detestable...
oh and the guy that she's been texting all along? He stayed over last night...
BUT on that count, I'm going out on a limb and trusting her that he is only a friend. Someone whom they are helping each other. I know it's against everything that I believe but I want to show two things. One, I'm not going to try and control what she does. I didn't in the past but she felt I did. So by letting her do this, she is in control not me. Two, I'm showing trust.
Does that all matter? Probably not...but it will make me a slightly better human...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
oh... please do keep us posted on this as often as possible...
this should be interesting. Not in a morbid, bad intention kind of way. But what DOES happen when the pressure on the WAS hits this level? Do they crack completely and start to own their past? Or do they crack and never return?
Well, a big update for sure. And not for the better. She must have had a bad day at work (her new job) bc she went crazy on me, saying I'm hampering her financially.
She had a credit card company call her saying a bill wasn't paid. I assured her it was and that the company just wasn't communicating with itself. I showed her on the website that we were all paid. Problem one solved.
She had another card that I thought she had canceled a few months back after I asked her to. It wasn't in my name so I couldn't cancel it. Well, it must have slipped her mind and she didn't cancel it. She tried to use it to pay her attorney and was denied. She then found out that she hadn't paid it and instantly blamed me. I pay all of the bills - bills that I KNOW we have. I didn't know we had this one and therefore didn't pay a phantom bill.
She accused me of trying to cut her off and control her. I said I was doing neither bc I didn't even know about the card. She asked me to pay a minimal amount of which I did instantly.
This is the business side of it all. Do your best to separate this from the relationship and all of the emotional aspects. She has hired an attorney with the intent of getting a divorce and your paying a credit card with her name on it only? Think business when it comes to this.
The sense of entitlement these people have is mind boggling. Do not expect that by paying her bills that she is going to have a change of heart or appreciate this. If it were not this, it would be something else.
Quote:
Then the fun began. I called my atty to say, let's just end this. I'm done and can't deal anymore. Call her atty and give her basically what she wants...
now if you don't know the gist of the sitch, I was duped into moving 2400 miles away from my home, leave my friends, church, career...yadda yadda.
Well, apparently W thought that we could do a quick dissolution in about 40 days. I believed that and thought ok, let's get it over with. BUT before I came to this conclusion, as I was still fighting for the M, I asked for us to wait a few months to work on things. I did find out that you couldn't get a D in a different state until you lived there for 6 months.
After I talked to my atty, the atty called her atty. Then the stink hit the fan. W texted me dropping f bombs a plenty. "Well, you got your f'ing wish! We can't get a D for 6 months!" She spewed so much venom at me it was amazing.
Like I had this all planned out.
As a matter of fact, she accused me of planning this whole divorce. So...I gave up everything to become miserable JUST to get you to divorce me?
very rational thinking.
So, following my atty's advice, I cut her off from one of the credit cards. The one in my name. She still had one in her name and was to do the same. I didn't touch the bank bc we would need it to pay off things. Plus, I trusted her to not do anything...
now here's where the problem is. See, I did all of the finances and she knows nothing about it. So when she sees herself cut off from a credit card, she thinks the world is ending and goes absolutely nuts.
I assured her that she still has her card and that we will pay it off whenever we get the bill. It's still all good except instead of two cards, she has one...I only have one as well. My bills and her bills. I will still pay both but at least they are easily separated.
She can't get it through her head. She gets sick and is throwing up all night. I think her guilt finally got a hold of her...she has finally seen that she is living in a house that she can't afford. She has bills that she won't be able to pay...
in other words, she thought this whole thing out but didn't do it very intelligently.
The funny thing is, I don't want her to go through this pain. Although she made this bed and has to lie in it, I don't want it to be this difficult on her. I have done nothing wrong and yet I get vilified for it.
I do realize that she is completely MLC and I'm dealing with something else that sorta looks like my W. Rationality be damned.
oh and I won't even get into what her mother is saying about this. I've caught them in so many lies, it's detestable...
I see a whole lot of negativity, projection, justification and spew but I don't see a whole lot written about how you handled it. Did you try to rationalize with her, perhaps defend yourself as well?
I'm not out to bust your balls here, but you need to remember that there really isn't any way your going to get through to her like you'd normally think you could. You are to blame regardless of how insane this seems, agreed?
So my next question to you is.... Why are you standing in the middle of her sh!t storm? Why are you exposing yourself to this nonsense?
You can still love, honor and respect her without having to stand in the middle of all of this. Find a polite and respectable way of telling her you're not going to listen to this garbage getting spewed and get off of the phone or better yet, be busy taking care of your business and don't answer it in the first place.
Take a few more steps back.
A hurricane looks absolutely beautiful from a distance but you don't see too many folks standing out and admiring that sh!t when it's barreling through their neighborhood now do you?
Why be available for her to spew at you? Don't answer the phone or texts.
Respectfully SHOW this woman how you will or won't be treated and expect her to be pissy about it for a while.
