She went to great lengths to explain how her feelings for me have changed over the last few years and she hasn't been in love with me for a while, and just can't go on like this any more. I validated her feelings, told her that she needed to find her own way to happiness, and that I wouldn't stand in her way. I also told her that I would help her move and support her as much as I could financially. I told her since this was her decision, she'd need to own it, and I wasn't going to finance her running away from our family. She would need to get a full-time, and we'd have to make mutual arrangements for caring for the children, and she'd have to pull her own weight. But she understands that we don't have much money since she is unemployed and most of the money will need to keep the house and feed the kids.
Starsky, I did confront my W about the EA. I asked when it started, at what point she realized she had crossed a boundary between what is appropriate for a M woman, and if she felt guilt. She explained that this OM is someone she had known as a kid, briefly dated as a teen, then lost track of for 20 years. She "reconnected" with him about a year ago on Facebook as he was going through a marriage break-up. He is in the divorce process now and according to my W "his W is a psycho". I'm fairly sure my W and OM have had discussions about a potential future together, but they are waiting for the dust to settle on their current sitches before they move forward.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Starsky, I did confront my W about the EA. I asked when it started, at what point she realized she had crossed a boundary between what is appropriate for a M woman, and if she felt guilt. She explained that this OM is someone she had known as a kid, briefly dated as a teen, then lost track of for 20 years. She "reconnected" with him about a year ago on Facebook as he was going through a marriage break-up. He is in the divorce process now and according to my W "his W is a psycho". I'm fairly sure my W and OM have had discussions about a potential future together, but they are waiting for the dust to settle on their current sitches before they move forward.
A good description of the problem, bboom. Now where's the BOUNDARY (including consequences) in there?
Here is another question: My wife told me last night that she decided that the best thing for her would be to move out and live with her mother. She hasn't discussed it with her mother yet, and I'm not sure when she plans to. Should I give it a few days and ask her about it. I think it would be good for her to move out since the tension of the current sitch isn't good for either of us and I think the kids can feel something is wrong. I believe I should also leave it to my W to tell the kids since it is her decision and she should own it. I don't want them to get the impression that I am on-board with her decision. Any advice on how I should manage this one?
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I would be tempted to give her a few days to think her decision through but then ask her about it.
I think if you leave it to your W tell the kids, you are throwing her under the bus at this point. You should be there for your kids, if nothing else. They will ask a lot of hard questions your W will have to answer. I agree, she does need to own this. They will know you are not on board. You may want to have a conversation with her how you are going to tell the kids prior to telling them.
What would the plan be for the kids if she moved in with her mother? Would all of the repsonsiblity fall on you or does she have some kind of shared arrangement in mind?
Thanks. I know I need to be there to support the kids no matter what. I guess I need to walk a fine line between supporting them and enabling my W's decision. She mentioned last night that she didn't want to be cut off from her kids. I told her that no one will prevent her from seeing her kids. She has always been a good mom, and she has especially been a great advocate for our youngest who has down syndrome. I made it clear that whatever happens in our M, we will always be connected to each other through the kids. She doesn't have any specific details worked out as far as custody other than she needs to get out and she wants me to stay with the kids so they can stay in this school system.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I'm downstairs on my android phone, W is upstairs watching TV and texting (probably om ). I haven't spoken with her about her plans to move out. When we spoke last night I asked her to make a list of all the monthly bills so we could figure out how much is left over to cover her needs. She hasn't said anything. I'm at the point where I'd like her to move out because I think that's the only thing that will make her happy.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Starsky, I did confront my W about the EA. I asked when it started, at what point she realized she had crossed a boundary between what is appropriate for a M woman, and if she felt guilt. She explained that this OM is someone she had known as a kid, briefly dated as a teen, then lost track of for 20 years. She "reconnected" with him about a year ago on Facebook as he was going through a marriage break-up. He is in the divorce process now and according to my W "his W is a psycho". I'm fairly sure my W and OM have had discussions about a potential future together, but they are waiting for the dust to settle on their current sitches before they move forward.
A good description of the problem, bboom. Now where's the BOUNDARY (including consequences) in there?
Starsky
I guess I'm a bit confused on this myself. If I have no control over W's behavior, how do I set a boundary that she will not respect? She decided 6-months ago that our M was over and has just been planning her exit strategy. We had a talk the other night where she brought up the subject of her moving out, and I responded that that was probably for the best. I don't think she expected me to go along so easily.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I guess I'm a bit confused on this myself. If I have no control over W's behavior, how do I set a boundary that she will not respect? She decided 6-months ago that our M was over and has just been planning her exit strategy. We had a talk the other night where she brought up the subject of her moving out, and I responded that that was probably for the best. I don't think she expected me to go along so easily.
You might want to start with "I'm not going to have you texting another man in our marital home. If you can't control yourself, you can take a ride down to the corner and do that -- it's incredibly disrespectful to me and the kids."
Journal Entry: Feeling a little low this morning. My W's childhood friend is getting married this weekend and she is attending without me. It's a 2nd wedding so it will be kind of low-key with a small reception. She told her friend that I was too busy with kid stuff to come along, but the truth is she doesn't want me there due to the current sitch. She also doesn't want me there since the OM will be there. He is another childhood friend of theirs that she "reconnected" with last year after 20-years of no contact. I never met the guy and she won't tell me his name. The OM is also going to the wedding solo since he is going through a D. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, but It's hard not to picture my W and OM sitting in the church together, having a good time at the reception together, and continuing to bond as they discuss their common marriage problems. I'll be at home with the kids all night trying not to think about it. I imagine my W will come home very late and mention that they all decided to go out after the reception to a bar or something, and it will take all my strength not to ask any questions. I'm almost to the point where I really want her out of the house so I don't have to know what she is doing and when she comes home.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
