Life & Curveballs

[AntoniaB]

"Amazingly, after over a year, I still wake up sometimes and reach next to me to feel H. That is wrong on so many levels, I can't begin to ponder."

It's not wrong, it's Pavlovian. It's a learned behavioral response. I don't think you can really control this.

Here's one for you: I've stopped having the "XH out of the corner of my eye" thing inside the house, but outside? I went out to mow the lawn the other day. Nearly every time I was riding the mower facing the back of the house, I'd look to the screen porch door or the deck door expecting to see him. I think because so many times I'd be out mowing what we called "the back 40" which is just a very wide area of all straight mowing--hence, the part I used to do while he did the more difficult stuff--and I was used to seeing him by the house weed-whacking while I mowed the back.

I can't get that association out of my head.

I put his jeep in the parking area out front all the time. It's like I see it when it isn't there.

I think it's all just Pavlovian and some kind of weird brain thing and until some other guy's vehicle sits in that driveway, I'm going to see his there next to mine. I give up. I can't get rid of it ;-)