I'm just wondering how many are actually working on themselves, and what kind of difference it's making to the sitch. My H is in IC weekly for almost 2 months now but still insists his childhood issues are not related to our M problems. I try to find hope in the fact that he's in therapy rather than just running, but frustrated that he can't/won't see the connection.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
I'm just wondering how many are actually working on themselves, and what kind of difference it's making to the sitch. My H is in IC weekly for almost 2 months now but still insists his childhood issues are not related to our M problems. I try to find hope in the fact that he's in therapy rather than just running, but frustrated that he can't/won't see the connection.
My W has a Ph.D in clinical psychology. So she can diagnoses herself. ;-)
I'd worry too and wonder about the IC as well. My IC identified the connection on the first or second session and we continually worked on it. ICs are different and are different quality.
But your H has to be open to seeing that connection and maybe the he hasn't yet.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Yes, I am in weekly IC as well. It is helping me, and I know I'm not supposed to say this, but what I really want more than anything is for H to get the help he needs so we can be a family again and not hurt our 2 young daughters. Hard to understand why someone who has childhood issues would knowingly pass the same on to their own kids.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
I'm no expert on DB in fact right now I wonder if I am doing it right. Yet my interpretation of it says that DB is about making yourself better so you are irresistible to your partner. To show your partner why they found you so great in the first place. Ultimately you have no control over your partner and their struggles. You can only set yourself as a positive aspect of their life through all the positive changes you can make through 180's and GAL. I don't know your sitch very well, but I understand that some WAS use the marriage as an excuse to justify their situation. Remove that excuse by being your best, and he may find himself having to examine the true reasons behind his problems.
meganna: I can totally relate to what you are going through.
I had childhood issues. I mean that i am only child and my parents fought a lot. I ended up not knowing how to deal with conflict situations and freezing when they happened. I too have been to IC a lot so that i could resolve my issues and make peace with them so that I could work on my marriage. Unlike your husband though, i did realize that my issues were creating problems in our marriage. Unfortunately for me, my wife decided that she could not put her life on hold while i try to fix myself.
If your husband is going through a similar thing, understand that it does take a good deal of introspection to figure out how your actions are affecting the marriage. Thats the easy part. The hard part is modifying these behaviors that are so ingrained. I tried for years to fully modify myself into a 'new' person that my wife wanted me to be. After all these years and her filing for divorce, what i finally realized is that you honestly cannot expect your husband to become a 'new' man. If you are hoping for that, you are in for disappointment. What is possible though is coming to a compromise on some of his behaviors so that both of you are happy with what you receive from each other. See my wife just kept waiting for me to become this 'new' person. When finally my IC told her that she will need to accept me for who i am and not what i could be, she could not deal with that reality.
Sorry for my rambling, but yea i can understand how much these things can wreak havoc in a family. My wife also felt that she did not want our daughter going through the same stuff that i did because somehow she had formed in her mind that i was mimicing my parents.
I'd say try to explain to your husband about your fears. Discuss what parts of his behaviors you'd like him to improve(not change). Accept that these things will take time and will not happen in your expected timeline. Maybe with time, his old behaviors might go away, or they might not. But if you think you love your husband and the only things you dont like are some his behaviors attributed to his childhood, then work with him on it and set yourself realistic expectations on his behavior changes.
sorry for all that rambling.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Karma, thanks for the response, very insightful. I don't expect my H to become a new man, but one huge issue is that he is very selfish, and that seeps into every aspect of our lives. Unfortunately I cannot tell him what I want him to work on because he has left me and says we're done (after having an EA). He no longer cares what I think or feel. I think he's in MLC, but of course he doesn't and he doesn't think his childhood has anything to do with his unhappiness in our M.
I am having a very hard time coming to terms with this ultimate act of complete selfishness. We have 2 young D's and he is refusing to try to save the M (he had not communicated his unhappiness to me prior to the bomb and we only went to 2 MC sessions together, while he was in EA, before he decided he needed to do IC instead).
Anyway, now I'm rambling, but thank you for your perspective.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Meganna, I am sorry for your situation. Yes it is very hard knowing that your spouse will not understand the underlying cause of the issue. It just makes matters worse when they believe that bailing out is the solution, especially when you have kids.
Do you know if the IC has talked to your husband about his childhood issues? I guess the first question would be, what do you think his childhood issues were?
While an IC certainly helps in understanding the self, i think a MC is more useful because in a marriage, an issue with one spouse applies to both. Your husband cannot think he can deal with his issues in vacuum.
So if your husband does not believe that the problems are because of his childhood, what does he think the reasons are? Does he blame them fully on you?
If you can try to understand 'why' he feels the way he feels, maybe you can work on figuring out the 'how' part.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
