confused bolt

[courageous wife]

What I'm realizing more and more each day is that I wasn't very happy in the relationship for quite some time.

I have thought this qabout my R with my H also..I had not been happy for a long time...but I was looking to my H for happiness...only YOU know the reason why you were not very happy...

You better figure that out my friend.

[Bolt]

It's just all too surreal at this point. It's getting better but some days (like this morning) are just plain awful. I know I was happier just a few weeks ago than I am now...

BUT is that bc I was with her and had some hope?

I'm not sure. I did think things were better. Now I know they aren't. I guess it was easier when I was actively working on the sitch and felt I was getting somewhere. Was I totally happy? No. But I could see a future that I was.

At this point, I don't see a happy future. I know it's part of the process and the blah blah blah about you making it happy but it doesn't ring true to me - right now.

I'm owning this pain and working through it. It [censored] and I feel I don't have a future. Venting that helps for sure.

The hardest is when I think of the future. It all just seems so bleak...

I am reading as you suggest but as far as DBing...I don't know anymore...it seems like a waste of time.

[grr]

bolt, i know everything that you are feeling

i went from sad and numb to angry

now i feel a whole lot of ambivalence.....plus some anger (can they go hand in hand?)

you are a good guy who has been trying your best for a long time

you will know, whatever the outcome, that you left no stone unturned

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am reading as you suggest but as far as DBing...I don't know anymore...it seems like a waste of time.

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
-- African Proverb

Bolt, if you only see DB as a means to get your wife back, and only that, then perhaps it is a waste of your time.

However, I think you saw in yourself some of the benefits of the mindset, even if they were only 'tricks' at the time.

DB is for you to become better at relationships and learn more skill sets regarding relationships, the idea is that you can use them in your marriage, the other idea(s) are they improve you, and they work on almost any relationship you are in or will be in.

Venting is helpful, and we are going to understand.

You got emotionally kicked below the belt with a sized 14 Doc Martin, I'd be worried about you if you DIDN't re-evaluate what you wanted.

But I hope you consider a couple things:

The LBS is the one who controls when the marriage truly ends.

Have you given your best shot? Or just your best shot when everything was 'easy'?

[grr]

jack - i believe he was kicked with a steel-toed size 14 doc martin........

but bolt is made of steel as well

he is going to do better than great!

[cat04]

Bolt,

I read your post. To be honest, I wanted to respond but really couldn't find a whole lot of nice things to say.

Read what Jack wrote.

DB isn't just about saving your M.

It isn't about taking the easier road...

Especially here in MLC...

It is easier to say "I wasn't very happy either." It is easier to say "I don't want to DB anymore since it isn't 'working'"...

Yes, we all have days where it is easier (and sometimes more appealing) to not DB. Especially if we are angry. And THOSE times are when we need to DB the most.

[Bolt]

believe me, I'm not exactly looking for only nice things to say here. I'll take it from all angles. My W has said much worse recently.

What I meant is its tough to go through the book bc I was using it to save my M. I thought I would make myself better TO save it. I know in time, I'll feel better about that and still want to change myself but it's the other things about the possibilities of saving it that are out the window.

JTB - I've reached the end of the rope. Do I want it to end? No. But I do have no choice in the matter. If I prolong the inevitable it only causes more pain.

Today, I was trying to be very cooperative with W and she spewed venom even more. I took the high road and didn't play her reindeer games (she had the balls to say that I PLANNED this whole event) insanity...

I know what I have to work on and am doing that. As far as the M? It's over.

[Mach1]

As far as the M? It's over.

It better be.....


Now what ?


Certainly doesn't have to be one way or the other right now...

This time will only be wasted...if YOU waste it...

[Bolt]

I guess this is where I get so confused in this whole roller coaster.

If it were ONLY up to me, it wouldn't be. BUT it isn't up to me. Am I missing something here?

come on 2x4s...

[cat04]

Bolt,

Ok lay down and crumble because she isn't doing what you want.

IF this is MLC, you are gonna hear it is over at least a few more times...

You may even become divorced.

And down the road, she may want to return.

She won't want to return to the person she remembers though.

That is why you DB for YOU. To become someone that anyone would want to be with.

Those changes, have to be real. They have to stick. They have to be for you....

A MLCer, can smell fake temporary change a mile away...

MLC takes TIME.

TIME and more time.

What do YOU want...

What are BOLT's goals, outside of your M?