Thanks country. This forum has been a lifesaver as I begin to ride this crazy roller coaster. It's nice to talk to other people who can guide me through this mess.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I slept on it, and I believe it's for the best that my w move out. She has noticed my DBing and 180 changes in the last few months, but things haven't gotten better. I think she needs some space to figure things out. Her mom is only 15 minutes away so she will be close enough to help me with the kids.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Whenever a woman tells you, "We need to talk", expect the worse!
OMG, that is so true. From my experience it has never been to say something good about me.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I also told her that I would help her move and support her as much as I could financially. But she understands that we don't have much money since she is unemployed and most of the money will need to keep the house and feed the kids.
let her problems be her problems! Stop rescuing her.
These are the consequences of her actions.
Make a stand, take care of the kids and their needs and let your W wade in her own cesspool.
If you want to help out, pack all her belongings and leave them at the front door.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I agree with you 100% This is the path that she has elected to take and she needs to sink or swim on her own and embrace the full reality and consequences of her choices. I offered to help to show her that I wouldn't stand in her way. I made my stand and told her that I cared about her well being and I understood that she needed to do what she felt she had to do. My first priority is the kids right now, followed by myself. I have learned on this board that there comes a time in dealing with the WAW that you need to let go and move on. I'm not sure where this will all end up, but I'm confident that I will continue to be a good father and role model along the way.
On a different topic: In our talk last night my W spoke about the OM in ways I have heard so many times on this forum before. It is so true how many WAWs exhibit the same behaviors and rationalizations for their actions. Here are some choice quotes: "He and I are just friends, we talk on the phone a lot because we have many things in common" "I have bumped into him at various bars in the last few months but we were with friends and nothing happened, just a hug or kiss hello, like friends" "He is not the cause of our problems, I didn't go out looking for a new guy to become emotionally attached to, it just happened. It's not my fault"
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Another thing I forgot to mention about our talk. W explained how unhappy she was with the current sitch and how she couldn't go on living under the same roof trying to act happy in front of the kids but being unhappy inside. I asked her what her plan was and what action she was considering to try become happy, and she looked at me and said "I don't know, what do you think I should do?". I replied "I can't tell you what to do, you need to chart your own course". The topic of MC came up at one point, but she thinks it would be a waste of money since she is convinced that her future happiness can't be with me.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I have learned on this board that there comes a time in dealing with the WAW that you need to let go and move on.
The sooner the better, but it all takes different times for everyone.
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I'm not sure where this will all end up, but I'm confident that I will continue to be a good father and role model along the way.
This is in your control. Focus on it.
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"He is not the cause of our problems, I didn't go out looking for a new guy to become emotionally attached to, it just happened. It's not my fault"
He's not a source of helping your problems out either.
He is validating her feelings, not trying to fix her. Women want to be lessoned to and not offered ways fix things.
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Another thing I forgot to mention about our talk. W explained how unhappy she was with the current sitch and how she couldn't go on living under the same roof trying to act happy in front of the kids but being unhappy inside. I asked her what her plan was and what action she was considering to try become happy, and she looked at me and said "I don't know, what do you think I should do?". I replied "I can't tell you what to do, you need to chart your own course". The topic of MC came up at one point, but she thinks it would be a waste of money since she is convinced that her future happiness can't be with me.
Agree with her. You aren't happy with the current situation either. You think it's best for her to move out and the sooner the better. This will earn respect from her. It may not feel like it does but women are attracted to men who know what they want out of life.
Get ahead of her in the thought process by thinking your M is over. The old one is in reality. Make her feel like she is the one being dumped.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Boom, I am just getting caught up on your sitch. There are many similarities in yours to mine. It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of the right things. Unfortunately, I think in some regards you are doing what you have to do, and some of these things you are doing are very hard.
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Get ahead of her in the thought process by thinking your M is over. The old one is in reality. Make her feel like she is the one being dumped.
I will say this has entered my thought patterns on more than one occasion.
I read your sitch and completely understand how it feels to have a "possible" OM. It can be nerve wrecking. Just keep this in mind he is most likely giving her complete and unconditional validation on all her feelings. It's an unfair situation because all he has to do to win her over is validate despite the true consequences. "He won't let you buy a new car because he says you can't afford it? How dare he! If it was me I would be ok with it..." Remember though if he is doing this he is writing checks he wont be able to cash, because he himself may be creating unreasonable expectations. Which will favor you in the end. OM an OW are good at creating crazy fantasies to entice WAS out. Be strong, and let them implode on their own. It needs to be her decision to end it, you pestering her will just put them on the same team against you. His weapon is positive emotions and the promise of a happy future. Your counter is a happy present to be followed by a happy future. So put your chin up and be the happiest person you can be for yourself.
Forgot to mention. I have been doing the gal and detachment for 2 months and I'm trying not to concern myself with who my w talks to.
These two tactics are not mutually exclusive.
It's perfectly possible to GAL, detach, AND confront your wife about the EA (at least) relationshp with the other man.
In fact, I suggest you do so. Because once she knows that you know, and you do nothing about it, she loses respect for you . . . DAILY. And since women tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect, she's actually losing love for you when you enable her inappropriate behavior.
