Sitting at home with myself, part 2

[Navyguy]

Well, nothing too exciting, but more positive interaction yesterday. People sure aren't lying when they say the hard part starts when the WAS comes back. Keeping my expectations at bay is a constant struggle. Still don't think she's set anything up with an IC. Focusing on the small positives is helping me immensely.

Called W to ask if she minded if I sign up for a Sunday evening soccer league and she said sure, that's ok. Then she asked me if I could pick up some groceries on the way home. She also asked if I mind if one of her girlfriends comes and stays with us for a couple weeks in June. I told her that'd be great.

When I got home she thanked me for getting the groceries. We had a good time with the kids, had dinner together, watched a little TV, then I went to bed. She stayed up watching TV and ended up sleeping on the couch.

[Harrier]

NG,

I think people really underestimate how hard it is once the S decide to come back, either in person and/or emotionally. We think, well if they just show me something I won't get impatient and everything will be wonderful. But it doesn't work like that.

Plus you end up feeling somewhat guilty because a lot of great people here never get that chance.

However, the first few weeks/months are the hardest by far. You can succeed. Know that you may have slip ups and back slides, a back slide doesn't mean you are back to square 1.

Know that it's a fluid environment, just when you think you have your expectations at bay, you W will throw something at you. It hard because you have a long history with your W.

Right now the goal should be to build your friendship.

Also jack gave me a great piece of advice. Remember, she will be watching you. Watching to see if the changes are for real. I don't give her a reason to doubt.

I think you will be much better at this than I am.

[Navyguy]

I struggle internally with the fact that W is back in person, but not emotionally. The hardest thing to understand right now is why she still says she came back for the kids, not for us (meaning: I don't want to work on things between us). She can't want to live like this for the rest of her life...

Just like you said Harrier, building the friendship is my goal right now. Maybe a good way to look at it is that she's back enough emotionally to be a friend and that allows her to work on getting to the point where she can emotionally be a W.

[Harrier]

Maybe a good way to look at it is that she's back enough emotionally to be a friend and that allows her to work on getting to the point where she can emotionally be a W.

A few thoughts...

1. In most of these situations you have to build the friendship back first. Jumping back into a R without that foundation is a recipe for disaster. I will rebuilding your M is not your job or her job alone. You have to work together

2. Of course, she's telling you she's back for the kids. Heck, she's probably telling herself that as well. But I do think there is more feelings that she isn't ready to talk about yet.
She probably isn't ready to work you your M RIGHT NOW, but don't take it to mean that she will never want to work on your M.

My W said kinda the same thing, she wouldn't get a D for our kids sake. I told her straight up that I wouldn't be in a marriage like that for the rest of my life.
I think the real message was I'm working through this at my own pace and I don't want you to interfere with that with that in any way. My W eventually came around to have feelings for me and tells me ILY almost every day.

[Denver_2010]

Maybe a good way to look at it is that she's back enough emotionally to be a friend and that allows her to work on getting to the point where she can emotionally be a W.

A few thoughts...

1. In most of these situations you have to build the friendship back first. Jumping back into a R without that foundation is a recipe for disaster. I will rebuilding your M is not your job or her job alone. You have to work together

2. Of course, she's telling you she's back for the kids. Heck, she's probably telling herself that as well. But I do think there is more feelings that she isn't ready to talk about yet.
She probably isn't ready to work you your M RIGHT NOW, but don't take it to mean that she will never want to work on your M.

My W said kinda the same thing, she wouldn't get a D for our kids sake. I told her straight up that I wouldn't be in a marriage like that for the rest of my life.
I think the real message was I'm working through this at my own pace and I don't want you to interfere with that with that in any way. My W eventually came around to have feelings for me and tells me ILY almost every day.

I think that what Harrier is saying is dead on correct. Continue being patient. And like Harrier said in an earlier post, your W is watching you to see if the changes are real and permanent. It is a test, kind of. You are doing great by what I can tell. Keep staying focused... being the NEW Navy.

BITS
Denver

[Navyguy]

Thanks guys. I am printing out Harrier's post and putting it on my wall at work. I think I am doing ok, but it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes. My anxiety levels have been pretty high lately.

It's funny, a close friend told me basically the same thing Harrier said...he told me she's kidding herself if she is telling herself she just came back for the kids. She just needs time to realize that.

Last night went fairly well. When I got home from work W asked me about the upcoming mutual friends' wedding in New Orleans, and if I wanted to go. I asked her if she wanted me to go, and her response was "I know you're friends with the groom...I've really been looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends there and I already told them I'd share a hotel room with them" (which we had previously discussed and I told her to go ahead and let her friends know that was ok), so the writing was pretty much on the wall. I told her that I will stay home with the kids. I don't want to be there anyways if it's going to create resentment. Its still a month away, but I don't think that 4 full days together 24/7 along with the stress of travelling is what we need right now.

I had a "guys night" at the driving range planned, so I went there after we talked about the wedding. Had a good time there. When I got home W and the kids were doing a puzzle in the basement, practicing teaching S2 the alphabet. It was really cute. D5 wanted to play some games so we all played Rock Band together. Then we put the kids to bed, and we were both tired so we went to bed too. W slept in D5's bed again last night. Seems that she's decided that sharing a bed with me is one of those "mixed signals" that she doesn't want to send.

Patience, patience, patience....

[Navyguy]

Next update....

W had a girls night with a couple friends last night. She got home and slept on the couch again, despite that I was sleeping in D5s bed.

This morning was ok. She told me about her girls night, said she had a good time. I then asked her if she wanted to go to a movie today with the kids and she said that I could go with the kids and she was going to stay home and work out and clean.

I am doing good with keeping a PMA, but it is wearing on me...especially when it feels like she's pulling away.

[Harrier]

Let me ask you this...did you ask her to the movie with the expectation that'd she say yes or did you just ask her for another reason?

Because if it's the first one, it's going to wear on you and that PMA is going to take a beating. She may not be pulling a way..just look at it like she's regrouping.

I'd took the approach where I let my W lead on ALL of that. I never called her during the day, never texted her, never invited her to go do things as a family. I figured she's an adult, if she wanted to go she'd speak up.

She knew how I felt about that. She knew I wanted to spend time with her. She knew she was welcome.

But I knew the moment I asked her and expected a certain answer, I'd be disappointed if I didn't' get it.

[Navyguy]

Well, the rest of the weekend went well. When I got home from the movie, I asked W how her afternoon was. She said it was really nice and relaxing. W and I watched a movie on Saturday night and afterwards ended up staying up until 1 AM playing Rock Band. We had a really good time. When we went upstairs I saw W throw her pillow on the couch like she was going to sleep there. Her back has been hurting her (she has chronic back issues), so I told her to go take the bed and that I will sleep with D5.

Sunday morning during breakfast I mentioned that some mutual friends of ours wanted to go let the kids play together at the park and then go get dinner sometime. A few hours later, W called mutual friends' W to see if they wanted to go do that. They couldn't go, but then W asked me out of the blue if I still wanted to go...so we did. The kids had a great time at the park as did I. I think W had fun too.

When we got home I we put the kids to bed and I had an indoor soccer game to go to. The game was fun...I scored 5 or 6 goals, but we ended up losing the game 12-10. Oh well. When I got home W was still up watching TV. I sat with her for a bit and had a snack then I went to shower and go to bed. Said good night to W, she said it back. W slept in D5's bed.

Today we are going to D5's kindergarten orientation for next fall, and then I have IC. I am expecting W to pull back when I get home from work today after our fun Saturday night and Sunday.

[Navyguy]

Not much of a pullback...actually a pretty good night. No major details to post. D5's school looks like it is going to be wonderul.

My IC didn't show up for my appointment. Looks like I'll be finding someone else.

Tomorrow I am going in for eye surgery to fix a double vision thing I have had going on for a long time. Should be a fun day.