Well, he's in California again. We had our couple's shower on Saturday. I think the shower itself went well, but I couldn't hold my tears back on the drive home. It was too hard thinking about all the wonderful things we could be doing together, but were uncertain seeing as I don't know where he stands on our marriage. He was actually the one to initiate talking about it though. He asked me why I was crying, and gave me an option not to talk about it if I didn't want to.
We ended up having a 2 hour conversation about our R. I didn't really want to, but it happened. There were times where both of us would want to stop talking, but the other would push. It probably would have gone longer, but we were both very tired. At the end of it though, H said, "I think it was a really good conversation. What do you think?"
I wasn't really sure what to think. I honestly don't remember everything. I mean, it was all things I've said before, just to other people and not to him. Things I was saving until he was a little more coherent. I guess this was the right time. I don't know. He apparently was receptive to it if he was the one to say it was a good conversation. I don't know what he thought was so good about it though.
I think if anything was good about it, it was my perspective on depression. Having been depressed, having a masters in psychology, and reading up on the subject of male depression specifically I think helped me make very good arguments as to what I thought was going on. He seemed to absorb that part well. And we also talked a lot about what we do to make the other person happy or unhappy.
I think he also received the logic that I presented that if he doesn't think I'm the problem necessarily (which he says he just knows he's unhappy, but it's not necessarily my fault) then I suggested that how does he know that leaving me will make him happy. I told him that going to California on a 75 dollar a day stipend in a fancy hotel on the beach is not real life, and for him to think that he's happy when that's the scenario is foolish. Life is about bills, and things breaking in the house, and babies crying and sometimes putting up with your spouse not being able to be a good spouse. And that if he thinks that leaving will make him fulfilled, how does he know? Just because I was a loud, out-going, crazy fun girl in college did NOT mean I was happy. I told myself that I was, but then when I would be alone by myself, I would cry. I told myself it was my mom, my hometown, my ex-boyfriend, my major... those were the things that made me miserable. So when I changed all that, and I was still miserable, it was a very hard realization. So is he willing to risk it all for something that he has no idea if it will make him happy? The only thing it will guarantee is less money due to child support, being away from his baby, and being away from the person who loves him almost unconditionally and has supported him for almost 8 years through all sorts of BS. Is it really worth the risk?
So I think it gave him some things to think about, and I think it made him realize some things. I don't know what those are, but the fact that he came away and said, "I thought it was a really good conversation"... and he said that twice in fact... makes me think things are going to slowly get better.
And today, for the first time since November, he asked about the baby when he wasn't physically present and staring at my stomach. He sent me an email (it appears as soon as he got in the office) asking how she was. And then we sent back several short emails about logistical stuff, but he would usually respond within an hour. Me, not so much. I'd usually wait 2-4 hours on each one.
He seems to be in a better place about us. I don't know what that is exactly, but it's better than it was before. He changed his timeline again about when he was going to discuss all this with me. Originally he was going to talk to me about how he felt as soon after the baby was born, then it went to 3 months, and then Saturday he said he was going to wait about 9 months.
I finished my woman financial class today. My class comes with a complimentary personal financial analysis from the people who ran the class. I gave them my information and a little bit of what was going on. Oh, apparently they specialize in divorce financial planning. Excellent. At least I'll be well prepared for the worst. And even if everything were to work out, I'll be all the more wiser.
