The good news is, after being in the dark for 2 weeks waiting to hear ANYTHING from the WAW, I finally sent her an email telling her I missed talking to my best friend and asking her how she was doing.
That was on 10 pm on friday april 8, 2011. She wrote the next morning and said to call her at 5 pm.
I called her at 5 pm on Saturday the 9th and we had a really great time talking. She told me that she loved me, that she missed me, that I was still her best friend, and that she wouldn't mind if I went on a trip to Peru with her and her friends that she is planning for October.
"Awesome" I thought. Things are really looking good.
Just one piece of information she happened to leave out...
She had already filed the divorce papers that Friday afternoon.
Whoops!
Game over.
Continue?
Yes? No?
Yes.
Our relationship is dead. Long live our relationship.
More to come...
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
My interpretation of these things, the meaning I am giving the events that recently happened, the way these circumstances are occurring for me, is that my wife intuitively made our marriage into nothing because from nothing anything is possible.
These are my words to describe my experience. It is the meaning I am giving to the things that have happened. It is not the only possible meaning. It is only the meaning I have chosen.
The words I have chosen are not the same words she used to describe our circumstances. She simply said that in her heart she felt that something wasn't right, and the way things were going, she could never be happy as my wife.
That is how the circumstances were occurring to her, and then by her actions, she wiped the slate clean. She had said she wanted "a more true to me beginning." She believed the only way she could ever really do that, was to be really done with me. Divorce was simply her way of being true to herself. It was her way of standing up for herself, of showing that she trusts herself and can make her own decisions.
Her feelings and my thoughts are two sides of the same coin. They are correlated. For me they both amount to the very same thing.
My path is clear.
2 days before she filed, I had her name tattooed around my ring finger.
Yesterday, I enrolled her mom in the possibility of the three of us working together to make things happier and more stable for everyone concerned.
Right now there is no meaning to the path that I have chosen. It means nothing that I am on this path. The path is devoid of meaning. The path is empty and meaningless. It is the path that I have chosen because it is the path that I have chosen.
It is the sound of one hand clapping.
Just as her actions, my actions, our actions, all actions have no meaning other than the meaning I choose to give them.
I alone am the source and the cause of all my actions.
My actions are correlate to the way the circumstances are occurring for me. The circumstances are only occurring for me in language. When I put the language I've been using aside, anything is possible.
Including taking action to create more opportunities to speak to my wife in her primary love languages of quality time together and physical touch.
Including the possibility of putting all this blah blah blah aside and shakin' a leg with my wife.
Ya feel me, Dog?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
ME: 47 SHE: 42 US: Together 4 1/2 years MARRIED: Aug 9, 2010 DIVORCED: April 8, 2011
My friends,
Here is a copy of the email I received from my ex-wife just a moment ago.
------------------ Michael,
I believe in order for me to be true to myself I need to be disconnected from you. Not forever just some time to really figure out what it us I need and want!! To be single not trying to start over with you again!
That means not meeting with you anytime soon even though that is real tempting as well you know how much I like to escape reality and be somewhere warmer and beach and fun!!
I want to be truly single go out with my friends maybe even on dates not that I'm ready for that right now but I want you too to date and see how things feel!
I still believe we aren't meant for each other are relationship took too much effort more than I think a relationship should take!
I'm gonna try to nap before I get the kids you can call me a little after 5 if you want I'll be driving to work.
I will always love you and care for you and you will always be one of my best friends!
Talk to you later maybe love your L----.
----------------------
I am at a loss right now. All I can see are the 3 words at the end "love your L----."
Do you have any suggestions for how I should respond?
Thank you beyond words for any words you might have to help me through this time.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Anything other than accpetance no matter how difficult that might be, promotes your want over hers.
I see 4 ways to deal with this.
1) acceptance: OK, talk to you later maybe.
2) denial: I disagree lets have lunch tomorrow.
3) anger: Best friends? Ahhh I got enough friends, lets be enemies!
4) all/none of the above: not respond at all.
Right now if you try to convince her otherwise? All she has to do is ignore you. Anger? It has it place, is this one of them? That's for you to determine.
I'd go with acceptance, give her what she wants, see if she chokes on it.
Ancient Chinese curse: May you get what you wish for.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for your quick reply.
Jack, thank you for breaking it all down for me so clearly, and for stating that anything but acceptance is promoting my want over hers. Now I can totally see how doing anything else would just be more of the same old stuff I did before.
Mach the path I am on is called integrity and self-love. No longer to be confused with the path of doormat and self-loathing that I had been on all my life.
Yes. Acceptance is The Way.
So how about this as my response:
"No worries I totally understand."
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Busting. That was a tough letter to read. I really feel for you right now.
I think Jack and Mach bring you some very wise answers to your question. In the end, stay confident with your path. You have learned a lot about yourself in the last few months.
Best of luck to you, my friend.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Couple of things I am thinking / feeling at the moment.
1. Being 100% responsible, but not 100% to blame. 2. Being good with the possibility of us never again being lovers or getting back together.
Being 100% responsible for what I contributed to the divorce drama, I can accept the things I was doing that were not workable.
While not taking 100% of the blame myself, gives me the space to recognize that there is nothing wrong or inadequate with me as a lover, and reminds me there is no reason or benefit to comparing myself to other men that she might have more fun with. It's okay because now I actually feel it in my body - not just know it in my mind - that it really does take two to make things work in bed.
And best of all, being good with the possibility of us never reconciling or getting back together, actually opens up the possibility of reconciling and getting back together!
The reason I say that is because I have come to understand that as long as I am believe and insisting there is no possibility it can fail, then I am compelled to constantly keep on forcing everything to fit and scrambling to hold it all together.
That's not the way love works. Forcing things to fit is extremely destructive and unattractive. There is no way forcing it will ever work. Been there done that before and I know it doesn't work.
So now I get to practice and enjoy being in the flow again and in harmony with people for real.
Ahhh.
Bliss. Heaven. Peace. Ecstasy. It's all here.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
And best of all, being good with the possibility of us never reconciling or getting back together, actually opens up the possibility of reconciling and getting back together!
Just curious BM...what do you mean by this? It's an interesting choice of words....
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
