WAW, and a bisexual open marriage

[sparks14]

GB90 - First and foremost, thank you for serving our country. That's awesome.

I read through your sitch, but I have a really difficult time with the concept of an open marriage. It is a bridge that I have crossed in my mind with the possibility of my W being bi. If that turns out to be the case but she still wants to reconcile, I know that we are going to have to build some very solid guidelines for our marriage to work. I have read where an open marriage is one possible solution, so that your W could fulfill her same sex needs. I, personally, will not be okay with that at this point.

For me, my W's EA/PA was with a woman, but it might as well have been with a man. An affair is an affair. The betrayal against our marriage is the same no matter what the sexual orientation of the partner is. Sure, it created a complexity to the matter. No doubt. I just have a hard time feeling that our relationship would improve if opened like that. That's not to say that it couldn't work. I am sure they exist. I am just not sure how many healthy open marriages are setup when the marriage itself is unhealthy. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I have talked to my therapist and our couples therapist about my feelings towards the continuation of my W seeing the OW while we are still married. That is a major boundary with me. All of the therapists involved have pretty much said that seeing the OW would not allow my W to truly find herself, as we all know about the fog of an affair. Then it has been discussed how my W was going to be active and meet with lesbian groups, go out to gay bars, and socialize through some of her gay friends. My W is in her self discovery time right now. I am supportive and will stay patient while she does this, but we have all agreed that dating or becoming intimate with another person, man or woman, at this time would cross the boundaries of our marriage.

In your sitch, your W seems to be all over the place with her demands in the R and even ultimatum. She almost seems to be trying to see what she can get away with but also wants you to rescue her. She is probably as confused as you are. I think it will be important for you to be understanding with her while she goes through this process of finding out who she is. For us, this is where a couples therapist was really helpful. It allowed for us to communicate effectively on where each other were at the time, what our plans were for the immediate future, and even the long term scenarios. Once those expectations were set, it made it much easier for me to really start DBing. I could then step back and was not driving myself out of control with the thoughts of the PA or the possibility of my W being gay.

If not through a counselor, maybe approach your W with your feelings towards her and your M. Some may say that having R talk is a bad thing, especially if done all of the time. I can see how that is pressuring or pursuing, but if you haven't had a chance to really tell her how you feel about your M, I think it could provide the initial guidance. Be supportive of her in a time where confusion may be taking her over. Be the strong, understanding H that she married. DB your arse off for YOU.

You can do this. It may seem out of control right now, but if you slow it down and really work for your M, it will begin to get easier. Clarity will come.

Come back here and post often. Also, get involved with other posts. I learned a ton from some of the feedback given to other sitch's. The people on this board are a fantastic source of expertise and support. Use them.

Would you mind giving some background of your marriage? Ages, kids, etc.? Throw it in your signature. I know it makes it helpful for some of us to get a better idea of the background of you and your M.