The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

Stop talking about the F-ing OM.

along those lines:

Stop F-ing talking about the OM.

I KNOW. I haven't brought it up since last Friday (april 1). W has brought him up the other times. I have only been listening to what she has to say and not responding to anything about OM. I have literally been biting my lip.

Yes... she has me on eggshells. No doubt.

Really?

Re-read your own post about the last couple of days and point out when things started sliding south.

When I started to show my wear and tear... my impatience and insecurity with the sitch. Right.

I told W that I believe that we have an opportunity that most couples do not... That someday we will be able to look back on what we have gone through and know that it made our M strong. That going through this will make our M stronger than we had ever hope that it would be.

That is beautiful...

and pressuring.

You're telling her what her future is going to be like, no choice on her part.

I know that it is, but it really seems that W is asking for, almost demanding, reassurance and validation as to why she should give our M another chance. Maybe not. Maybe you are right. F I don't know. And your statement below is correct too...

I told her that I wasn't going to try and convince her with words... and I tried to do just that.

It was a beautiful sentiment though...

I told W that I understood what she was saying. That I wasn't going to try and 'convince you' with words.

Conflicting.

Looking back Denver, you're success...came from enjoying the moments with her. Those moments build up over time.
Stop rushing it, and stop trying to convince her.

DB is right there is alot of good. Alot of it.

You need to assuage your own insecurities, not have her do it. Not be needy.
Take comfort in her actions, instead of needing her to re-confirm them.

That is exactly it. I am asking her for comfort and affirmation that everything is still moving forward as I would like it to. I know this. I knew it at the moments where I made the mistakes. I haven't been able to stop myself for the past week.

I think that maybe I need to try and post more here to get some of my emotions out.

And i am trying to rush it. When all of this went down in November, I set a goal of fixing M and getting W to move back into the home at the end of her 6 month lease. At that time, it looked like I would never meet that goal. But over the past 6 weeks, it started to look more and more like I'd make it just under the wire. NOW, it doesn't. And that is disappointing.

Should it be? No, probably not. It is just an artificial deadline. I need to recognize that and look at long term goals. Ok. Thanks Jack.

At another point, I told W that maybe she should just reengage OM and figure out what she wants to do with that R before we consider anything else bw she and I.

I do not believe I have ever called anyone stupid here before.
Look Denver if it isn't advice you'd give, why take it yourself?

Damn straight I deserve to be called stupid for that. Another moment where my mind was telling my mouth to shut the f*&k up ... it was like a car crash... everything moving in slow motion but I couldn't respond to what was coming out of my mouth fast enough.

I think that I dodged the bullet there though. I hope.

The OM and your wife.

As soon as you get used to the following idea the better off I think you will be.

Your wife and the OM had a relationship.
They had a relationship.
And when relationships die, it takes time to process them.
Anyone who hurries that up especially someone with a vested interest is poking a bear.

You have a vested interest. So you're trying to hurry her process along, instead of as hard as it is to do...comfort her, be there, you just want her to jump feet first into you and hurry the hell up.

So..lets say, you and your wife divorce, and you're all hurt and in pain, and lets say there is woman, who is glad it is over because she wants you to committ to her, be more than friends and can't understand why you still have feelings for your wife? Why can't you just get over her already?

How long you going to put up with her.

Not long. You are right... again.

This part...

"Your wife and the OM had a relationship.
They had a relationship.
And when relationships die, it takes time to process them.
Anyone who hurries that up especially someone with a vested interest is poking a bear."

Hurts like a mutherf*%cker... Sorry for the language DB. But that is the best way to express it.

I simply CANNOT understand and accept how W moved into another R so quickly after leaving me...

sometimes...

but other times... I do understand ... bc I know W's own insecurities and the hurt that I caused her.

How can I voice empathy for her feelings on this though?? Do I just pretend that I don't hate what has happened?? Sh!t should I invite the guy to dinner or send him here to these boards to get support??

Silence on the subject is the best that I can muster.

Funny thing is, even now, if my OM was hanging off a cliff? I might kick some dirt in his face before he fell.

That isn't all I would do Jack. But he would fall. You had me laughing out loud with this though. Thanks.

But I am grateful, yeah that's f-ed up, he was there for her when I wasn't, and I am willing to bet Denver that besides that one point, you and I have similar feelings about the OM.

This isn't easy, it's never going to become easy. Easy is what got you here, you forget this path is hard, and your feet become bloody ribbons on the rocks.

Why are you grateful that he was there for your W when you weren't Jack. I really want to understand this point of view. Bc you are exactly right when you say that we have similar feelings about the OM except for that one. I want to understand this.

I thought that I was past the shards of rock that would bloody my feet... I was wrong.

I am beginning to wonder if it is possible that a R can just get so damaged that it can never be repaired.

Yup...

And I am confused. W spends time with me almost every day. She says that she enjoys talking to me and spending that time with me.

Doesn't seem like your's falls into that category though.

God I hope that you are right Jack.

As always, thanks Jack.
Denver