The Roller Coaster Keeps on Rolling

[Denver_2010]

It's perfectly natural for you to make the OM seem like a scumbag. But remember, your W was the one who made the decision to fall for it. She recognizes it was her choice and feels like the OM is a "victim" in all this.

More important than her looking at the OM like a d*ck is the fact that she should be more concerned about the pain she caused YOU. She has to express REMORSE for her actions. It seems like she's showing REGRET which is like saying, "hey I'm sorry I hurt you only because I was caught".

In some ways you are correct. My W only feels regret bc she recognizes that she was 'careless' by starting to date while we were separated. She feels badly that she has hurt me, OM and SS by her decision that she acknowledges that wasn't well thought out.

W wasn't caught. W told me about 'dating' OM when we first began to talk about the possibility of reconciling. She didn't have to tell me and I probably would have never known. In some ways, I wish that she had chosen not to.

Remorse is when she's willing to alleviate your fears and insecurities and doesn't casually dismiss them. You were the hurt party and had to swallow alot of her sh*t when she was going out with the OM. I know the feeling. But in order for your M to truly heal, she has to understand, really understand from your POV how much you were hurt and empathize with you.

Have the two of you discussed MC or at the very least, reading about As and its affect on both of you?

We have been to 2 MC sessions so far. After hearing what W had to say at last session, MC suggested that we hold off on scheduling another until W is ready. W agreed, but told me later that she didn't want to go this week anyway bc it is her birthday... and next week I will be out of town for a trial. I hope that she is ready to go again after next week. We shall see.

Remorse? See above. W isn't remorseful for her decision. At least not in the way that you are talking about. To her credit though, she has been sensitive to my feelings about it. When she had to see OM at a recording session about a week and a half ago, she texted me that he was there, what he was doing while he was there, and when he left. She later texted me that I could ask 2 of her other co-workers about what she did while she was there if I had any doubt that I trusted her. I told her that I didn't need to do that and that I did trust her. But I did appreciate that she is thinking about my feelings and what I may be going through.

But she doesn't see her choice to date during S as an A. That isn't going to happen anytime soon. Quite frankly, I can deal with that part. It is not being able to feel secure in our R and knowing that OM is just in the background waiting that is killing me.