It is VERY important to GAL when doing the LRT. I have found that GAL has vastly improved my mental health and it has stirred curiousity with my WAW. Don't forget about your kids, though. Try to balance the GAL with spending time with your kids, OR incorporate your kids in at least some of the your GAL activities.
I understand this, really I do. Almost ALL of my GAL activities involve my kids right now. Going for walks with D8, bike rides with S6, taking both of them on day trips on a weekend day, going out to dinner with D8 alone, taking them to, and picking them up from school at least once per week, spending quality time with S6 who has some minor special needs...
However where we live, other than going to Gym, going for walks on my own, and going out a night a week with a the few guys I have made friends with, I am finding it hard to enjoy all the things I really want to do. This is a totally different culture. Examples are I like to work on cars, modify, spend time in the garage, do house projects, etc. The house here is not ours, nothing I need to do here, and my car is a rental, and we live in the city and have no garage. These are not excuses, I am simply having a hard time finding what I want to do with myself when it is my time. I usually watch a movie on the TV, or surf the internet. Not exactly being mysterious or really GAL. At home, I would have tons of projects I could enjoy, start on my own, engage the kids with too, and many friends and family to hang with and so on...
On that subject, I would like further opinions on my two questions above, plus one more new question: - How do I be mysterious? I work, come home, have dinner with family, kids go to bed, I have an hour or two to myself, then it starts all over. I am predictable for sure, but that is my life right now. I have very little freedom. On the weekends I like to spend with the kids. I have no new hobbies here I want to take up. So I am really open to suggestions along the lines of GAL and being mysterious.
I would suggest you reach out to people who are widow or retired women are usually begging for someone to help with home projects. The physically challenged are another group that need assistance. There are so many (men and women) who do not have the skills or the time to do the kind of work you can offer. It only takes one person for the word to get around.
As for being mysterous, you just tell her you are going out. Never lie but don't go into details. Keep answers short and vague. Q - "Where you going?" A - "Out for a while." A-"To do what?" A - "Got a project going.....may be late."
Anything, even riding around for a while, to look for projects, can "be" a project. Do you know any neighborhoods where you could put some flyers up?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The hiding the phone example shows me how much your sitch reminds me of my own. My W has been doing that for almost a year, plus she has a password lock on it and would probably freak out If I ever touched it. It's silly because I pay the phone bill and can see who she is calling/texting. I even confronted her about it months ago when I showed her the bill and she told me who she was calling. I think she hides it out of habit and guilt. I have decided (with the help of this forum) that my W is going to call/text/facebook whoever & whenever she wants and there is not a thing I can do about it. I have made an effort to detach and not care so I can focus on my GAL. If you constantly worry about who she is calling it will drive you nuts, believe me.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Yes I can disconnect and not care. But if I knew she was talking to OM after all this, then I would tell her it's over and MEAN IT. Next day we would be on a plane home and headed to the end. I know there are many here patient with OM but I am not. I an handle her MLC but continued OM contact if I knew for sure would be the end.
As far as local projects... I do not speak the local language well enough to do what you suggest but I may ask around at work, that could be a good outlet. Thanks for the suggestion. I may ask the single old lady next door in my broken language. She has always said hi and I would love to do something, anything with my hands even if I have ti buy tools here. Even thought about doing projects around our house but then I would still be at home with her.
I would suggest you reach out to people who are widow or retired women are usually begging for someone to help with home projects. The physically challenged are another group that need assistance. There are so many (men and women) who do not have the skills or the time to do the kind of work you can offer. It only takes one person for the word to get around.
As for being mysterous, you just tell her you are going out. Never lie but don't go into details. Keep answers short and vague. Q - "Where you going?" A - "Out for a while." A-"To do what?" A - "Got a project going.....may be late."
Anything, even riding around for a while, to look for projects, can "be" a project. Do you know any neighborhoods where you could put some flyers up?
I appreciate the thoughtful replies I have received thus far. I was hoping to get a broad range of feedback and opinions on my situation, I am hoping a few others read up and reply.
QUESTION: Anniversary is coming up now in less than 3 weeks. Do nothing? Don't even say anything?
She is almost totally ignoring me recently One word answers, acts as if just wants me to go away any time we are even in the same room together. She does not speak at dinner hardly at all. Generally her attitude seems to be going downhill, getting worse, and disconnecting more. Here are some of our typical recent interactions:
Me: Good night Her: uhgng (kind of just a grunt)
Me: Good morning Her: morning (in a sullen didn't want to answer way)
Me: Did you find the map you were looking for to take your parents? Her: Yup (as she walks out the door, answering as if shame on me for even addressing her)
Me: (nothing said at bedtime see if she says goodnight) Her: silence also
Me: What are our dinner plans this evening (do I need to plan dinner for kids or what)? Her: Don't know (walks away)
I am considering just not saying a word to her. Absolutely nothing at all unless it is necessary for kids or something. I think she will just feed off this and be happier she is deciding to end it because I am so untalkative and mean.
Her parents are visiting now and it seems to be stressing her out very much. At dinner last night, her mother said "we really want to babysit and you guys can get out for dinner" - she answered "we will have to look at our schedule and see what we do. Basically just putting it off with no plans to do it.
Her parents know nothing. I think she may be planning to tell them (what, I don't know). I hope she tells me when she tells them something and tells me what, but I do not expect it.
I am half expecting a bomb of some kind when her parents leave, as if she has been keeping the basic peace until they have had their nice trip and she shows them a good time.
Still struggling every day. She does not exactly avoid interactions with me, but rather ignores me as much as possible. Rarely if ever looking at me or in the eye, including when briefly talking. It comes and goes good and bad, but more and more days are just disconnected totally from her now.
I am trying to just let go of my anger and hurt, just let this ride out in whatever direction it goes. I think she is very certain she wants things to end. I know her, and her attitude, and how she deals with things, and I see it in her eyes, interactions, and actions, that she really just wants to go home, and leave me period. I am still further having a hard time with it, but trying to accept the reality of it.
So I would write more about our interactions here, but really there are very few, and those that we have are deadly isolating. She did sit with me to watch a TV show Tuesday night, but I think it was because of the stress of her parents arriving, nothing else.
I am tired of leaning on my friends and family, spilling my guts, and having them have to deal with my challenges.
Finally, I will be asking her in this next week if there is any reason my parents should not visit (in May). She previously said it was fine, but before my parents make final arrangements, I am giving her a last chance to tell me anything that might change that before it affects my parents and the money they would lose if they booked and then did not come.
I'm posting as a journal, I don't think anyone is reading this. Disappointed.
This weekend her parents were visiting, and they know nothing. Some strange things happened this weekend:
- She held my hand for a moment while walking around - Sat across me on the couch during rest time - Sat again across my lap later - it led to sex. - Among all this, she was still cold and distant totally.
The sex was weird, I don't know how else to say it. We did not kiss, she did not look at me, it was more of a physical thing. I know it felt good for her and she enjoyed it, but afterward she still was distant and didn't even say goodnight.
So overall her behavior has more of an upswing, but not sure if this is due to her parents visit, making a good show, or what. Just going with it.
The sex got me to thinking quite a bit. It really threw me for a loop. It was nice, but did not live up to my dreaming expectations, because she was so obviously not "contributing".... Got me to thinking is THIS the person I want to be with. A person who does not want me. A person who does not have my interests in mind. A person who rarely talks or shares anything with me. I am tired of being the chaser. I want to be wanted and needed. I don't see that with her ever no matter how good things get. Therefore I wonder if I want to stay for all this, or just let go.
Your wife's hand-holding, etc., was very likely for show in front of her parents. She doesn't want them thinking poorly of her, and this is very common. I would measure her reactions toward you when others AREN'T around to see them, and go by that.
As for the sex, you've been tagged. It's either her wanting to see if she can still use sex to exert control over you, or she's wanting to "test" it, to see if she still has "those" feelings for you when ML, to compare them.
It's really not any more complicated than that; both things are very much "script" in these situations.
