Positively moving forward

[awest1217]

I am not doing well at all, and I haven't been for the past few days. Actually since Friday. I think it is a huge array of things that has got me down. I got the final property settlement on Friday which means that H will soon be XH. That really has me down because I think deep inside I was hoping he would come around. We get along so well and his R with OW is exactly like my R with him or like my R with him was, but it didn't happen. It looks like we will be D'd as soon as the end of the month or by next month.

I am glad and sad and mad about this. I am glad it will all be over, but at the same time sad for the same reason.

Also I think because this is exactly 2 years since the A came out to me, I am having a really hard time. Last year it didn't seem to bother me too much, but this year it does and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because on top of it being two years of H leaving it is also the D finalizing. I am finding myself getting very angry again and having more memory flashes than I normally do. Once again...not sure why.

I have been crying again at the drop of a hat, even in the stores. A song will come on and I will start to cry. It is all weird. I don't have anyone I can really talk to because most of my friends and family (except one person who listens and just understands) just say how I need to move on and he was a jerk, etc. He was a jerk and for years they said at different times how he was abussive to me emotionally, but I didn't see it until I was out of it, but it still hurts and although I look nice and have so much more confidence now, I am feeling those same feelings I did when this all started of being insecure, like I am not enough, etc.

I am sure it will all pass soon, but it is still hard.

Spring break was fun. S and I went to TN for the first weekend, which was a blast. Although H has only had S for full weekends one month, this month he only has S Friday nights again, his choosing. Last weekend on Saturday was my nephews second birthday (he was born when H left so it gave me somethign to focus on that week) so I asked for S to come home for the party. H said yes, which I knew he would and it was good, but instead of asking for him back he just said he could stay with me and instead of taking him extra during spring break since he had off like I did, he didn't because he was too busy volunteering at the place where OW works. I feel sorry for S when he begins to realize that H chooses her over even him, which makes me sad and mad as well.

Honestly, until last Friday I was doing well. This week I am busy and next week is a four day weekend because of Easter so that is nice. Right now i have to get through today and my 2 hours of sleep because S decided not to sleep last night...up at 2 am and didn't go back to sleep until 5 am...