Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

Another newbie here. I have been reading posts for over two months in hopes that I would be reconciling with my H, so far, no luck.
Together for 20, married for 18 with four beautiful children who are our lives. I had an emotional affair for several months 16 years ago because I felt my H who then was a stay at home dad had no desire to advance his career but I stopped it before it went too far. I resented the burden of working full time and being a part time mom becuase I had to work lond hours so he could stay home. H got a job a few years later and had an afair with someone at work while I was pregnant that lasted 6 months. I found out, confronted and he agreed to to goto MC and work on our marriage. I opened up about my emotional affair then too. All things went well overall but I would have doubts and we worked through them by him convincing/showing me to validate there was nothing he was doing. Had another child in the process too because we knew we wanted to be together forever.
H started another new job last March, a job he and I both were thrilled with because it was a great opportunity for him and it made me so happy that he could achieve that goal and the burden was finally off of me completely. New job required travel that started in Nov due to a company purchase. Since Nov, there were a few times I brought the accusations/feelings of doubt I had to his attention. H said he couldn't take me doubting him after all of these years anymore and I need to stop or he'd leave. I said I'd try my best but there were a few times I accused again. He changed his password on his phone, texting and email all the time (but he is in IT) and his Xmas party for work starting at noon didn't end till midnite of which the next day it seemed as if there was a female's sweater shedded all over his suit jacket and pants. He denied and said the house 'after party' lady had animals.
On 1/5/11, we exchanged a few texts where I finally said I am so done with it all out of frustration but certainly didn't mean to the extent of ending our marriage. He agreed and said he is done with the marriage.
For the next few weeks I'd ask him where he stood a few times and as weeks passed he said he felt 70% sure he is leaving. The next weekend my D16 went to see if he was at work since he said he had to run in on a Sunday afternoon. She told him she was going to the nearby mall and stopped by. Two days later he said he was leaving, that I put our D in the middle and I broke his heart. The next few weeks there was little talking, if any and he began to sleep on the couch. I didn't receive the cell phone bill and asked him for the online password so I can see and he flipped out. He said he is leaving right then because he thought I wanted to check his phone log. He basically said I was 'dead to him'.
The last 7 weeks since he left have been up and down. My WAS will text some days and even start to flirt to try to pursue me or suggest we all have dinner together. He'd tell me how good I look, etc. Other times he will stop by and say how he is filing for D and how he cannot believe I put the kids against him. He will say how happy he is and that leaving was right.
Last Sunday he text me to say how he had a dream about me dating someone else and how jealous he was but he just can't get past everything. He says he cried everyday(opposite of him saying he is happy and this is right). He feels that I put him down and made him feel less of a man and had these feelings for 16 years. H also created a whole new past to justify reasons to his family why he wouldn't visit on holiday, etc, placing all the blame on me. I continue to say I want to be open to try and validate his feelings whenever he opens up and sometimes say too much by telling him I didn't see it that way and ask that he come to counseling.
My MC says not only to detach but to get him out of my life because she feels he has personality disorders that are coming to light now all these years later. Other than the past few months, things were great and we never really fought about anything other than my doubts. I just don't see it that way. Everytime I do what she suggests, he gets more mad and it appears to backfire progress.
H has been coming to visit kids,do things around the house that I ask for, and take the younger two back to his mom's where he is staying for now. He says he isn't getting an apartment until the D is final, even though he knows I will contest for the full two years.Nothing has been filed, I don't even think he talked to a lawyer yet (confirmed as of last Sat).
H asked yesterday morning if he can either sleep over or come over early for Easter morning and to let him know. I said yes because that evening is also our 18th wedding anniversary and I am hoping the family time may wear on his mind.
I am so confused as to what to do. All support says to forget about him, move on but I can't. I try my best to detach and have worked on 180s. I read the books and try different things; each time I think I am getting somewhere I'm not sure if I'm backsliding or if he is just done. I am so sick of crying and thinking about this nonstop. H tells me to date and thinks because I lost the 20 pounds I needed to lose it was because I am single again when that is clearly not the reason. Dating is the LAST thing I want to do when I only want him. Its so hard to focus on work, kids, etc which is like everyone else on here. I try to have the PMA everytime he is around in hopes of him noticing the new 'me'. When he opens up, I suggest the idea of a new relationship and how I have changed, who doesn't after being put through this, but he just said he doesn't believe it would be forever. Does it seem as if baby steps are happening? I dunno. I am so impatient. Been journalzing myself since early February and I re-read the rollercoaster often.
I am a mess, the kids are a mess, H is a mess. No one deserves to go through this, EVER.

[dbmod]

^

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are here.

I think it's hard to want to try to work on the M and having everyone including your C to let him go.
When it comes down to it, it is what YOU want and nobody else.

As for the personality disorder, maybe he does and maybe he doesn't.
It sounds like he might not want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either, am I right?

Just keep doing your 180's and working on you. I know it's hard to do but it is a must.

[dbmod]

Hi time-

I want to officially welcome you to divorcebusting.com! It is hard to tell if you're making progress when there are so many ups and downs and it affects you emotionally. The best/easiest way is to set goals (have you read Divorce Remedy?).

Small, action-oriented, positively stated, things you want MORE of in your relationship. These are NOT your to-do list items. If that is hard to do right now, list the things that are good right now. We'll help you set your goals and monitor them.

The idea is that you focus on increasing the positive and reducing the negative.


In the meantime--please focus on YOU. Please take several days/a week to focus on treating yourself well. Treat yourself the way you wish he would treat you. Don't spend time talking to family and friends about him, they mean very well, but it might not help. Right now, give yourself permission to think about him only when you type your thoughts right here on the board. Spend the rest of the on what you need to do and then positives for YOU. Things that take care of you, things that make you happy. Consider it your homework.

[Timetotry]

I have not read DR yet; tried to find in several stores but will order online asap! Thanks for the other suggestions too, I will work on them.

As for goals/more of what I want, I only want more 'couple' time with my H without his phone on computer accessible at the time, so I won't think the worse. Everything else is/was perfect for me in our marriage. I think because that was lacking lately, my mind began to accuse his actions. The problem is my H is thinking negatively when he is alone, as if he is/never was enough for me and cannot get past that. When he has told me this, I validate and try to give positive reinforcement that he immediately rejects saying its too late. My issue, I believe, is getting him to be open to try and give it time. I am working on myself and doing some things for me as well as the 180s, he is noticing some but he is not convinced its for good.
I cannot get anything else out of him that he considered a problem. This is his major issue that he won't get past and refuses to goto counseling. It just doesn't add up to me.
My one goal I have thought about is that on our anniversary evening, since he will be over, we can spend time together with the kids and just a simple acknowledgement of the anniversary. Although the 180 actually would be for me to say 'happy anniversary' first, I think that would come across as pursuing, so I can't.
Is this simple goal in line with the suggestion recommended?

[Timetotry]

I finished reading DR and DB and I am hoping some of you out on the board can help me determine if what I am defining is in line with what I should be doing.

Immediate goals
-I want him to acknowledge our anniversary and make a pleasant family evening as well as the next morning of Easter (since he asked to be over and spend the nite sleeping downstairs but I know with his flirting/requests lately he will want to come upstairs for a bit for physical "contact time")
-I want him to have daily communication with me with no negative comments and continue to improve family time

Intermediate Goals
-I want him to start MC and own some blame
-I want him to start to spend one on one time with me and have fun… rekindling

Long Term
-I want him to move back home and consider us married again
-I want us to spend one nite a week for ½ hour discussing anything that may be bothering each other
-I want us to spend at least 3 nites of quality time together-at least 10 minutes of one on one daily talk and preferably at least two date nites a month

Two things we need to build: Trust and Empathy
A) To trust in the relationship and each other
b) Understand how each other feels-be in their shoes

Goal dealbreakers:
1) Me starting another relationship and no longer wanting to be married (not looking for that anytime soon)

I need to start thinking like him, not how I would think he thinks...HARD TO DO!!!
--------------------
H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18..soon
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

Had D2 prom last nite so had to spend time with H. All went well although it is awkward around family.

Today he had me meet him to get car fixed to come back to house and goto D3 sports. He asked if I had plans tonight and I said yes. He asked where I was going. I tried to stay mysterious and just said out with some friends. During the evening he starts to text me, like he does when I am out. Such as "If I need a ride home, he will get me and to be careful." I say thanks for thinking of me. He also makes other small talk.

My question to anyone who sees this is should I be continuing the communication like this or should I be avoiding them?
It interesting that he ONLY does this on the nights I have free. It seems to me that he continually doesn't want to stay married but won't let me be with anyone else. I don't want to make him jealous, as I know that's not a DB rule, just make him question his decision.

Please, any advice would help!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18..soon
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

I am so confused...guess its the rollercoaster ride. I thought I may have made some progress on Sunday. H came over to cut the grass but before going outside he asked me for a hug and said how he needed it so bad. He then talked some R talk for an hour, not my forcing. I validated again and again although he did try to lash out a few times but I refused to let it get to me. The hour ended with no resolution but he did say how he was afraid to come back and try and hurt the kids if it doesn't work out. I said how I was afraid too. I said if he communicates that we are trying and there are no guarantees, that is better than not trying at all. Now, I don't know, did I backslide? I don't think so but would love to have some feedback.

Rest of the day went well, he stayed around the rest of the day and I even was able to get him to do the 5LL quiz. We joked and talked about it a bit but I didn't want to push anything. After dinner he left and had a few texts back and forth yesterday of which he is only the one who initates.

Today he text me this morning asking if he can come over for dinner. I said yes. I said what would he like. He said"It doesn't matter, I just don't want to have dinner alone". I was so upset and felt used/doormat like. But I stopped myself and said to believe nothing what I hear and half of what he does and made the best of dinner time. He left a little while ago and thanked me for dinner. Didn't interact with the kids as much and only had some talking with me. I asked him to take the 5LL book to read and he said "Na, unless its on an ipod I am not reading it". I didn't push.

Confused, really confused. Is this baby steps from Sun? Anniversary is on Sat and he asked to sleepover to be with the kids Easter morning. I don't have high expectations but based on Sunday, I thought he was coming around. IC today said he isn't ready and has no remorse..still blames me for his feeling no love.

I really don't know how alot of you can do this for months on end, I truly admire you all!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18..soon
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[krit]

Sounds like H may be confused as to what he wants also. Not sure it sounds like you are making baby steps yet though. Sounds more like a rollercoaster and maybe you need to pull away. Regroup yourself and concentrate more on you and relationship basics - like rebuilding a friendship.
I know the anniversary is important - ours was shortly after we seperated also. But I wish we would have done nothing because we tried to go to a football game and it wasnt a very memorable. Fought for most of the carride there. Just not a good way to spend a day that should be special.
Sometimes it may be better to keep relationship talks to a minimum also. Especially if they cause arguments. Those arguments only set you back and they dont seem to forget them.
Concentrate on being positive, keeping yourself busy, and trying to stay sane and patient - which is the hardest part. Keep telling yourself you ultimate goal that your marriage is worth fighting for. He will notice the changes and then you will start to notice the babysteps.

[NEmoose43]

Hi Time...so sorry you've ended up on the roller coaster with the rest of us.

To answer your question, I don't think you backslid at all. He initiated both the hug and the R talk...maybe he just needed to get some stuff off his chest? My W has said a lot of the same kind of thing. "I'm afraid that if I let you back in and trust you, I'm just going to get my heart broken." And where I first would answer that kind of thing by begging for another chance and making all kinds of promises, now I just say that I'm afraid too, but the fact that we're both willing to try is all that really matters. I don't consider it backsliding at all, it really is validating and not trying to force your feelings about it onto your H.

I tried 5LL on my W last week as well. She didn't want to take the quiz, but I left a note on the book for her before she went back to her mom's house, and she took it with her. Not sure if she's reading it, but the fact that she even brought it gave me a ton of hope.

Dinner tonight sounds pretty typical actually, you had some positivity on Sunday, and there was a little bit of a bounceback today. I've learned to expect that. I've noticed that when W and I have a positive day, it seems to scare her. I think during those good moments, she starts to believe that maybe things really could work out and we could end up back together, but that frightens her when she has time to reflect on it because she's not sure if she wants to get back to being "us". Thus, the next interaction is a little more guarded or negative. Maybe that's what is going on with your H as well.

Well, hope that helps a little, keep reading and posting here. There are some amazing people on the forums, you're not alone in what you're going through.

Wishing you the best.