That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

I’ll post a quick update from yesterday, along with some of my own musings on a few things I find interesting. As for bingo, H was in a hockey tournament and ended up having a game that ran into the start of the bingo as well as having to leave ealy for another game so I ended up running it in his absence. When he was there, we chatted briefly but it was pretty busy so not much chance. He did come in to check on me a few times to ask if I wanted a drink, anything to eat, etc. When he left, I wished him good luck in his game and he asked if I would take everything back to my place which I agreed.

After the bingo, I took everything home and headed out for a little while to socialize with some friends. I got home around 11:45 pm and H sends a text asking how the bingo ended up. I respond and he writes back asking if I’m done and home yet and tells me they won their hockey game and will be playing in the finals at 2 pm tomorrow. Bit of talk about his hockey as he tells me he has won 2 game mvp awards so far. I congratulate him and I end the conversation telling him good luck tomorrow. I wonder if he was hinting to see if I would come and watch him play in the finals today and that’s why he was telling me what time it was at. We don’t have any kid exchanges or anything going on so I don’t see any other reason he would tell me but again, I didn’t bite. If he wants me to come and watch, he’ll have to ask.

There are a few things I’ve found interesting over the past few days. One is that H has been calling more frequently rather than texting which has been our normal mode of communicating. He called me Friday while I was out for drinks after work to see if he could take S by the house to pick up some things. When I answered and he heard the noise in the background he said, oh, I guess you’re not home. I said no but he and S were welcome to go to the house to get what they needed. Yesterday morning he called, rather then texted about the bingo. First words out of his mouth were, are you home? It’s not like he needed to know or was planning on coming by it was a question that had no real purpose. Then, again last night when he started the texting about the bingo, one of the first things he asked was if I was home. He knew I would have been home from the bingo long ago and was planning to go back out with some friends …. and this was about two hours later! I think he’s checking up on me LOL.

He did tell me at one point that he is nervous and scared around me and doesn’t know how to start anything. I believe this is at least part of it in a nutshell:

- Guilt for all the damage he has caused? You betcha!
- Inability to project his anger from that guilt onto me because I haven’t given him the opportunity? Score two for the LBS’s
- Fear of rejection and loss? Yepper, score another for the LBS’s – he sees me getting on with my life and it scares him to death.

I will continue to control how I react because I want no part of him until and only if he is able to fully deal with all that mess in his grey matter. I do sympathize but I won’t get sucked back into the rollercoaster.