Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

Another newbie here. I have been reading posts for over two months in hopes that I would be reconciling with my H, so far, no luck.
Together for 20, married for 18 with four beautiful children who are our lives. I had an emotional affair for several months 16 years ago because I felt my H who then was a stay at home dad had no desire to advance his career but I stopped it before it went too far. I resented the burden of working full time and being a part time mom becuase I had to work lond hours so he could stay home. H got a job a few years later and had an afair with someone at work while I was pregnant that lasted 6 months. I found out, confronted and he agreed to to goto MC and work on our marriage. I opened up about my emotional affair then too. All things went well overall but I would have doubts and we worked through them by him convincing/showing me to validate there was nothing he was doing. Had another child in the process too because we knew we wanted to be together forever.
H started another new job last March, a job he and I both were thrilled with because it was a great opportunity for him and it made me so happy that he could achieve that goal and the burden was finally off of me completely. New job required travel that started in Nov due to a company purchase. Since Nov, there were a few times I brought the accusations/feelings of doubt I had to his attention. H said he couldn't take me doubting him after all of these years anymore and I need to stop or he'd leave. I said I'd try my best but there were a few times I accused again. He changed his password on his phone, texting and email all the time (but he is in IT) and his Xmas party for work starting at noon didn't end till midnite of which the next day it seemed as if there was a female's sweater shedded all over his suit jacket and pants. He denied and said the house 'after party' lady had animals.
On 1/5/11, we exchanged a few texts where I finally said I am so done with it all out of frustration but certainly didn't mean to the extent of ending our marriage. He agreed and said he is done with the marriage.
For the next few weeks I'd ask him where he stood a few times and as weeks passed he said he felt 70% sure he is leaving. The next weekend my D16 went to see if he was at work since he said he had to run in on a Sunday afternoon. She told him she was going to the nearby mall and stopped by. Two days later he said he was leaving, that I put our D in the middle and I broke his heart. The next few weeks there was little talking, if any and he began to sleep on the couch. I didn't receive the cell phone bill and asked him for the online password so I can see and he flipped out. He said he is leaving right then because he thought I wanted to check his phone log. He basically said I was 'dead to him'.
The last 7 weeks since he left have been up and down. My WAS will text some days and even start to flirt to try to pursue me or suggest we all have dinner together. He'd tell me how good I look, etc. Other times he will stop by and say how he is filing for D and how he cannot believe I put the kids against him. He will say how happy he is and that leaving was right.
Last Sunday he text me to say how he had a dream about me dating someone else and how jealous he was but he just can't get past everything. He says he cried everyday(opposite of him saying he is happy and this is right). He feels that I put him down and made him feel less of a man and had these feelings for 16 years. H also created a whole new past to justify reasons to his family why he wouldn't visit on holiday, etc, placing all the blame on me. I continue to say I want to be open to try and validate his feelings whenever he opens up and sometimes say too much by telling him I didn't see it that way and ask that he come to counseling.
My MC says not only to detach but to get him out of my life because she feels he has personality disorders that are coming to light now all these years later. Other than the past few months, things were great and we never really fought about anything other than my doubts. I just don't see it that way. Everytime I do what she suggests, he gets more mad and it appears to backfire progress.
H has been coming to visit kids,do things around the house that I ask for, and take the younger two back to his mom's where he is staying for now. He says he isn't getting an apartment until the D is final, even though he knows I will contest for the full two years.Nothing has been filed, I don't even think he talked to a lawyer yet (confirmed as of last Sat).
H asked yesterday morning if he can either sleep over or come over early for Easter morning and to let him know. I said yes because that evening is also our 18th wedding anniversary and I am hoping the family time may wear on his mind.
I am so confused as to what to do. All support says to forget about him, move on but I can't. I try my best to detach and have worked on 180s. I read the books and try different things; each time I think I am getting somewhere I'm not sure if I'm backsliding or if he is just done. I am so sick of crying and thinking about this nonstop. H tells me to date and thinks because I lost the 20 pounds I needed to lose it was because I am single again when that is clearly not the reason. Dating is the LAST thing I want to do when I only want him. Its so hard to focus on work, kids, etc which is like everyone else on here. I try to have the PMA everytime he is around in hopes of him noticing the new 'me'. When he opens up, I suggest the idea of a new relationship and how I have changed, who doesn't after being put through this, but he just said he doesn't believe it would be forever. Does it seem as if baby steps are happening? I dunno. I am so impatient. Been journalzing myself since early February and I re-read the rollercoaster often.
I am a mess, the kids are a mess, H is a mess. No one deserves to go through this, EVER.