What to do next

[JustStunned]

Journaling: The DB coach did help me gain a better perspective. We talked about ways to communicate “dropping the rope”. She also helped me express (vent) my frustration about how the situation is affecting my ability to express myself to my son before he deploys. This is still a very !@#$!@#%$%&! Situation, but I’m in a better place emotionally now.

I’ll be a bundle of anxiety on Monday, but I’m good now.

Spent time today GALing. Took the dog for a long walk in the park, and then cleaned up winter debris from the yard. Replaced my bow string today, It was worn and beginning to break. It lasted two seasons which is good. Since I’m shooting more it may only last one now. After it was replaced I spent another hour and a half at the range socializing. I will need to adjust my sights as the position of the peep in the string changed slightly. I like it better where it is now so the front sight gets adjusted. More GAL for tomorrow.

Mom is concerned for me and not sleeping well. She won’t speak to her doctor about it. I take her to her next appointment in a few weeks and if this continues I’ll have to find a way to speak to him about it. I expect it will and so I shall. She knows I am not telling her everything. I am answering her questions and for the most part managing to maintain control of my emotions when doing so.

[JustStunned]

Hello Sandi, I wrote my journal entry before logging on and reading your post. I really did not expect to see another post in this thread. Thank You for it.

The weekends are slow as most everyone is GALing or dealing with their own drama. So I’ll try an elaborate a little. The coach and I spoke about most of what follows. I will not be able to quote the conversation nor do I think it wise to do so. This was my session and each sitch is unique.

It is pretty much a given W will see her decision through. It is in her makeup to do so. The coach helped me accept this, but did not allow me to give up hope. As we read so much on this board I will be done when I am ready to be done.

W ran away from home, specifically her mother and has never reconciled that relationship. She is now running away from this M and stating I treated her just as her mother treated her. The coach asked how W’s mother acted following W departure and how I might act differently. So we discussed a few ideas.

A statement like “W we used to be partners. As partners we supported each other and each others decisions even when we had individual reservations. I disagree with the decision to dissolve our partnership. I will not oppose it, but I will not assist you acting upon this decision.” essentially drops the rope.

The meeting on Monday will not be pleasant for either of us. I need to keep my attitude as businesslike as possible when discussing the disillusionment of this partnership. That is what I need for my sanity to think of the D as, a disillusionment of a business partnership.

There was more, these are the high points related to this situation that I remember. We also spoke about W and my son and my anxiety over enabling him to focus his situational awareness where it needs to be and away from this drama.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: W, I and our Ls met. I was able to be friendly and business like during the meeting. W knows I am not opposing or assisting this goal of hers. This meeting was to sit down and hash out the framework of the D agreement. W spoke little during the meeting and would not look me in the eye. Several times she covered her mouth with her hand.

W got a 2X4 of reality when we examined the asset to debt ratio. She recovered when it came out I will pay spousal support until I retire or she marries. The amount is to be determined. She stated she will opt to carry her half of the debt to safeguard her half of the 401K. W’s L wants the house listed for sale by the end of the month. I think that is ambitious given the amount of work I think will be required to get it in saleable condition. We will have to wait to see what the realtors think needs to be accomplished. We each have a list of documents to gather and present to the Ls and to inventory the household items for division. This is all just the mechanics of the D.

After the meeting while walking to my car I noticed W and her L having an animated discussion in the parking lot, I do not know what that means nor will I speculate upon it.

I feel pretty flat about all of this. It helps me tremendously to think about this as a business we are dissolving and not the end of a 30yr relationship.

I am ok now…waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I need to face forward and look to the future. This is easier said than done, but needs to be accomplished.

I look at volcanic beach sand and ask myself what would Chesty do?

[Redo]

JS: I think the whole process of D can be such an inhuman process. I think i have a rough idea as to where my sitch is headed.

Glad that you are staying positive through this process. Praying that you'll get through this and emerge a stronger happier person.

[JustStunned]

Thanks Karma, I appreciate the prayers and well wishes.

Journaling: There is a realtor coming by to look the property over on Friday. I’m trying to obtain fair market value and get a list of repairs/improvements to make the house marketable. I am the one living here and it makes sense for me to speak with the realtor. At least the first one to learn what to expect.

I want to have W contact one and do the same. I may have a distorted view of this, but it seems to me doing all of the work associated with liquidating assets enables W to eat cake. I think W needs to work for the D she wants so much.

Given that the D has not busted yet, and doesn’t appear likely to I need to firm up goals to come out of this with as little damage as possible. I need to think about goals and plans for the next couple of days. Much depends on the fair market value of the house.

I have archery leagues tomorrow night. If the opportunity presents itself I may mention this drama and see what kind of support I get. This group is beginning to accept me for me and they deserve to know why I am sometimes distracted and introspective. I am still debating outing this drama at work.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: While reading this board last night my DIL called from my Son’s cell. Son heard through the grapevine W and I met to finalize the terms of the D and wanted to talk about it. She and I bantered back and forth as she was asking me pointed questions about the meeting and my perspective.

I was less than communicative regarding the details of the meeting and my opinion of W and this sitch. I was friendly but firm. DIL has been firmly in W’s camp. I do not trust her. I told her I have been making a point of not discussing W, this sitch and how I feel about it with her and S as it was not appropriate and I did not trust her.

She said she understood why I would not trust her as we have not built a relationship and she appreciated my honesty. There are times when this 22 yrs old is incredibly mature and times when she is a small child.

I asked to speak with my Son. I tried to answer his questions without slamming W. I believe I was successful. I told him I wanted to hold on to the house, but it doesn’t look promising. So much depends on the market analysis and spousal support payments. They are two big unknowns today. We shifted to other topics and eventually I was able to ask if I could visit before he deploys. He does not want to see me as he would feel obligated to spend time with W also and this would take time from his relationship with his wife.

Of course this hurts. I think I covered it well. He knows I am disappointed but I understand why he needs to put his time and energy into his marriage relationship. We spoke some more and I think he left the conversation a little happier and relaxed. How long that lasts depends on how well he compartmentalizes.

I asked to speak with my DIL. She agreed he seemed happier and thanked me for speaking with him. We discussed trying to build a relationship. She asked me to call her and let her know what was happening in my world. I agreed to do so. We spoke about how we regretted the drama at Christmas and the opportunity that was lost to it.

[Redo]

JS, i can relate to your keeping the house. I too am trying to keep our home and buying out my wife's share using my retirement money. Both wife and i spent so much effort in modifying this house into our home and i am too attached to it. Friends tell me that it will be an emotional vampire on me, but right now i am willing to take a chance and live in it.

[JustStunned]

Karma, Thank you for the response and support

Journaling: I am internalizing much of the stress from this sitch again. This is evidenced from vivid dreaming, loss of appetite, and an increase in moodiness over the last few days. This is not the first time I have experience a heightened degree of stress from a situation. Though not the degree of comradeship I used to rely upon in a stressful situation posting to this board and getting feedback helps. Thank You.

I need to force myself to eat better and PT more. A few months ago when we had a good snow base CC Skiing was a good way to PT and bleed stress. I need to see if my budget will permit purchase of a good pair of running shoes. In the mean time yard work will have to do.

W will travel to a baby shower this Saturday. I understand she will travel with one of the SILs and nieces. The niece is upset with this sitch and told me she is dreading 6 hrs in the car with W. She’s planning on driving most of it to give herself something else to concentrate upon.

I plan on attending a fund raising breakfast on Sunday. This is for the Venture Scouting crew the SILs are involved in. W and I would have normally attended together. If she attends I will try and treat her like one of the neighbors. I will attempt to act as if this sitch isn’t bothering me beyond the extra work involved to conclude it, friendly and happy to see family and friends. Wish me luck.

This was my FB post this morning:

I finished 5th in the archery league last week and started a new one last night. Beat my average by a little bit. The new string is working out nicely. It took a little while to get the front sight adjusted. I had to shoot 30 extra arrows sighting in last night. My shoulder is sore.

Cerberus is back to half rations. The food is there. There is nothing physically wrong with him. He just isn’t interested in eating. He blocked the bedroom door again this morning until after I scratched his ears.

A pic went up with it. 200+ lbs of dog blocking the door frame.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: W has decided not go to the baby shower. I suspect, but I don’t know why. She sent a TM telling me she will be available to inventory the household goods this weekend. I have plans for this weekend and will suggest we meet next Saturday as we previously arranged.

I am having a difficult time emotionally right now. The last time I was grieving and extremely stressed it was easy to vilify the people causing it. Later W’s love and support were a big part of my recovery. Now W and I are the causes of this grief and stress. Vilifying either of use is not productive and the love and support I recovered with are what I am grieving the loss of.

I am at work and I really need to take a break to GAL for a while to put my head on straight but leaving now is not a wise choice. Time to take a walk around the building and bleed the stress away even a little. Change the scene. Have a talk with God. Meditate for a couple of minutes.

[BeingMe]

Change the scene.

Good idea. Just a change of scene helps one to find a different perspective, a relief of the pain, and a focus on something else. It doesn't hurt to have a chat with our Heavenly Father too.

Stay well, and keep moving forward.