Please don't take all the blame on yourself. It sounds like it took both of you getting to this place. I can understand when you talk about being so depressed and not being yourself. I'm so glad you are doing better in that area. Like so many other things, people don't realize what it's like if they haven't experienced something similar.
I wonder if your H is playing word tricks with you. Is he twisting things around to make him sound like a victim? Your the bad one and he doesn't know if he can trust you? But, he left the M and is having an A with OW.
He plays on your guilt, he gets jealous at the thought of you seeing anyone else, and he wants to keep OW and sleep with you too.
He's been the center of your world for many years and he has a strong influence on your thoughts and feelings. That's to be expected.....all very normal. You have reason to feel confused. Your body's needs and your emotions and thoughts are all telling you different things. You read the opinions here on the board and then you listen to your H's words.
Maybe you just need to detach from him until you can think straight. Get your mind, heart, and spirit all working together instead of being so confused.
I don't know what works for you, but I can go for walks early in the morning (in safe area, of course) and everything is still quiet and it's a fresh new day. It helps to clear my mind and feel refreshed and ready to face the day. It may be something different for you, but whatever it is....I hope you will do that. Be good to yourself. You need to think about "you" and what you really want for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be loved.
You are going to get stronger, okay? You keep talking and reading. You will begin to see things more clearly.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
