You aren't doing anything wrong. And no one knows your situation as well as you. What you have to decide is if you are making baby steps towards your goal, bringing you closer together. If you are, keep doing what is getting you there. If not, stop what you are doing or add something different.
If you don't know--keep doing what you're doing and pay closer attention, or set clearer goals.
Please don't take all the blame on yourself. It sounds like it took both of you getting to this place. I can understand when you talk about being so depressed and not being yourself. I'm so glad you are doing better in that area. Like so many other things, people don't realize what it's like if they haven't experienced something similar.
I wonder if your H is playing word tricks with you. Is he twisting things around to make him sound like a victim? Your the bad one and he doesn't know if he can trust you? But, he left the M and is having an A with OW.
He plays on your guilt, he gets jealous at the thought of you seeing anyone else, and he wants to keep OW and sleep with you too.
He's been the center of your world for many years and he has a strong influence on your thoughts and feelings. That's to be expected.....all very normal. You have reason to feel confused. Your body's needs and your emotions and thoughts are all telling you different things. You read the opinions here on the board and then you listen to your H's words.
Maybe you just need to detach from him until you can think straight. Get your mind, heart, and spirit all working together instead of being so confused.
I don't know what works for you, but I can go for walks early in the morning (in safe area, of course) and everything is still quiet and it's a fresh new day. It helps to clear my mind and feel refreshed and ready to face the day. It may be something different for you, but whatever it is....I hope you will do that. Be good to yourself. You need to think about "you" and what you really want for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be loved.
You are going to get stronger, okay? You keep talking and reading. You will begin to see things more clearly.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
[/quote]Be honest with yourself, if he showed up on your doorstep and said he wanted to work things out, would you welcome him back without reservations? I would hope not.
Quote:
No...I wouldn't! I have actually told him that I do not want the marriage that we had. I have told him that I want a new marriage and that moving back home and picking up where we left off would not fix anything.
Sandi,
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I wonder if your H is playing word tricks with you. Is he twisting things around to make him sound like a victim? Your the bad one and he doesn't know if he can trust you? But, he left the M and is having an A with OW. [quote]
I probably should have been a little more clear. I don't think that he is twisting things around and trying to make them ALL my fault. He says that he knows that he is in the wrong with OW (which is new b/c that was not the case a month ago) I honestly think these are positive changes and conversations because he does not usually discuss his feelings at all. He actually told me yesterday that he loves me and that he is working things out in his head and that he will get there.
I'm trying to be there for him as that is a 180 from the last 2 years. I was struggling to be there anyone during that time...including myself. So...I'm getting a life for myself and being his friend which is somethings that I have not done in a LONG time.
dmod,
I am observing the situation and I'm trying to be objective. I think sometimes (just as Michelle says) that I get too excited about the small positive changes, but overall I think I am maintaining my cool. I never get into arguments with him, but I DO tell him if he has made me angry or hurt my feelings (another 180 for me).
I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me. This is going to be a LONG journey and it's amazing to know that I can share my thoughts with all of you and get great advice!!!
I hope that you all have a very Happy Day
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
My H came over yesterday and we had a talk with our D who is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that he doesn't live here anymore. She finally opened up and explained that she was angry with him for leaving.
After the talk I asked him if he was OK and he said "not really...I just found out that my D thinks I'm an ***hole". I tried to explain that she doesn't think that, it's just that she is a child and she doesn't understand all of the dynamics.
We had a really good talk and he said "I thought that I didn't have any love left for you, but I realize now that I just didn't have any love for the woman you had become." It seems that he has really been noticing the changes that have gone on in my life. It makes me feel good as I have worked very hard on myself and I have done a lot of soul searching. I have really focused on what has happened in my life, I've let go of trying to control everything, and I'm trying to rebuild my self confidence and self love.
I want to believe that these are all positive changes and that maybe he is rethinking his decision, but then I remember that he is still with the OW. Does anyone have any advice on that? Are these positive changes or are they discounted because of the OW?
Thanks in advance for the help!
I hope you all have a Happy Day!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Things have not been going very well this week. Our D is having a VERY VERY hard time dealing with this separation. It's hard for me as a mother to know that I cannot do anything to make her feel better! It's stressful for me because I WANT her to have a good relationship with her daddy, but I just see it deteriorating at a very fast pace. She is so angry and sad...she says that she feels sad all of the time. I think I may have to put her into some counseling, but she HATES to talk about her feelings with anyone but me and I just don't know if that is the right thing or not. Does anyone have any advice on that??
Thanks!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Glad I found your post. I can totally relate to what you are going through and the responses you have received are advise that I am going to really think about.
With regard to the D issues. I was having the similar issues. It started out where H would come visit almost daily for a week then he may see the OW and suddenly stop comming by for a couple of weeks then I would get him to start spending time with us again and then he would suddenly dissappear. When he wasnt around she was having seperation issues with me and would cry if I left the room or left her at daycare. It was a vicious cycle until now for about 3 weeks I have stopped discussing the relationship issues, stopped putting pressure on him and just concentrated on being his friend. He has been around alot and our D is doing great. She even walked into daycare by herself for the first time this week.
Although we are not having sex (which on most days i want to try it just to see if it would make a difference - bring us closer), we are getting along incredibly well, he does tell me he loves me, we are always hugging and have even kissed on a few occassions recently. He does throw out hints he is thinking about coming back and then on that rare occassion he brings up the divorce that has been filed. I have personally changed a lot - read a lot of books - have become a more positive person with personal goals. I know what I want and it is driving me nuts that he wont just take one more chance on us. I always thought I was a patient person until this nightmare became my reality. So please keep posting because I want to keep reading the fantastic advise you are receiving.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but know that there are some WONDERFUL people who will be able to help you with some awesome advice!
Things are always on a roller coaster in my life, so I'm definitely not the one to give advice =) However, sometimes it's not the advice you need, but just a listening ear and someone to sympathize. I completely understand what you mean by "it is driving me nuts that he won't just take one more chance on us". In my case, the OW is a HUGE factor in why.
It's frustrating to be sure, but I have made the decision to go semi dark as I cannot take the stress of being the cake anymore. It causes me to make assumptions and it brings on R talks that are not going anywhere b/c he is not in the place to make a permanent decision. This wishy washy attitude can be a good thing, but only (I think) if I can do what I need to do to make it happen. However, in the end it is not about our WAS...it's about US. We have to be able to be happy with or without them and it is a LOOOOONNNNGGG road.
It's also complicated because of my D. She is hurting so much and it intensifies the frustration because I want to lash out at him because of her feelings! UGH!!!! So...today I have decided that I am going to keep myself busy and try some thought stopping techniques and try to enjoy my day.
Keep posting and I'll head over and check out your sitch! Remember that patience will be the winner no matter the outcome of your sitch!!!
Well...I didn't text him a single time today! That is a record for me and day 1 of my semi dark attitude. He was super affectionate tonight when he came by to visit D. I wondered about it, but did not comment on it. I am just behaving as if it's not a big deal and going with it.
I did tell him yesterday that there was no reason to have R talks until he is ready to commit to the R. I told him that those types of talks are irrelevant. I think I did the right thing on that...who knows - we shall see!!
He is very upset about our D, but I just keep reassuring him that it will get better eventually. I told him that we cannot control the way that she feels and that he should try to be as patient with her as he can be because she is hurting and she is angry.
As I said he was very affectionate tonight and made a few "leading" comments, which I politely ignored. I have decided that I don't think THAT is a very good idea at the present time...especially when I am trying to go as dark as possible.
Otherwise the day was good. I got A LOT of things done around the house and I have already planned out my day for tomorrow...so I should be good for Day 2 of my (hopefully) new habit.
I hope you all have a very happy and productive Tuesday
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I'm feeling so much better about myself lately. I have finally gotten to the point that while I want to save my M and I'm working towards doing that...it is NOT the most important thing right now. The most important thing right now is ME. I'm learning to love myself...to look in the mirror and be GREAT with what I see. It has really been a novel experience for me. Cause I'm not just talking about liking the physical aspects of me, but other things as well. I see a light in my eyes and a healthy glow to my skin that has not been there in YEARS!!! I am truly enjoying my journey to self love and happiness and I hope that my D will learn that you can truly be happy if you are happier with yourself.
She is still having a difficult time, but I hope that if I give her a listening ear and lead by example, that we will get through this alot more quickly than the experts say it will take. However, if we don't, then I will just continue to be there and support her while slowly helping her to let go of her angry and sadness.
Ya know...I was thinking today that it would be sooo much easier if I couldn't stand my H!!! It is so frustrating as he is my BEST FRIEND and has been my best friend for over half of my life. It's very hard to detach when the friendship is still alive...ya know? Does anyone else have this issue? If so...how do you handle that?
I hope ya'll have had a Great Day!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
My H is my best friend right now too. We have just been friends for so long I dont know how to not be his friend. And because of our D I cant really not get along with him. But this does make it really hard to detach. We did have a couple of weeks where we did not get along and I was miserable, he was miserable and our D was in bad shape. So we talked and decided no matter what we needed to remain friends. I am hoping that this friendship will be our foundation to create something more. But if not it seems to be very important that I figure out how to be his friend and not his wife. Not sure how to do that one yet. But for your D's sake, I believe, you and your H do need to remain friends. She needs to see that. I believe it will help her get through this. She needs you both and it is tough to find a way to accomplish that and do what you may need to do to save your M. But it will take time especially if she is not used to having him gone. My H has really been gone since September. For me she would get used to him being gone and then he would suddenly start showing up again. It was so up and down with him that it really played with her emotions. They need stability - one way or another.
Only on rare occassions do we even talk about our relationship. I ask a question here and there, get a quick but polite answer and then change the subject. I think I just need to not push the topic and remind him we can have fun and not stress about life. I have been doing this for about 4 weeks now. Very hard - have had 2 minor freak-outs but then I recover I explain I had an emotional day (thinking about him with her) and he understands. I think I have made some babystep progress. He is actually thinking about us again. Baby steps.
I found this quote on the internet Sunday. I am keeping it with me as a reminder to what I am fighting for... "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything its cracked up to be. That is why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you dont risk anything, you risk even more." - Tony the Tiger
