I have been digesting what everyone has had to say and thank everybody for their thoughts and insights.
One thing that I've been thinking about in particular is a comment that Brooklyn made. She said to make sure I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I'm in a dilemma here. Our income tax refund came back just before H took off for vacation. He used his half to go on vacation. I've used my half to pay the taxes on my home and for my lawyer. It's gone.
When I said that I live from paycheck to paycheck, that's what I mean. I have no savings and I buy very little extra. Now, please believe me that I know that I have it far better than a lot of folks here. That paying everything was a choice I made. I admit at first it was to show H and myself that I could do it. I've proved that.
H paying the utilities the last two months has helped out a lot. I'm on a two week break where I'll get no paycheck, and in two months I'll be on summer vacation with no paycheck. Yes, I know that I could try to get another job, but my L said that it will interfere with spousal support amount. If I forgo spousal support, I will have to keep two jobs until I retire, the one who will suffer the most if I do that would be D12. (Good paying jobs are in short supply.)
I'm just so confused as to what I should do. It's not like I made the decision on my own to forgo a more lucrative career and raise the children. It was a joint decision by H and myself.
Do I swallow my pride and accept his offer of help and still go after my full share in what truly is H's, D?
How do you stop caring about what the MLCer says or thinks about you? I know that if I accept his offer of help and still go after what I will be awarded in the divorce I will be demonized all the more by him. Does it really matter, as I will be anyway?
I do not trust any of H's motives in anything he does. I do question why he is paying them now? He hasn't worried about it in 15 months. It is, however, confusing that he's doing this after a couple emails that proves he's still angry and blaming me for all of this.
Do judges take this stuff into consideration when they rule for a D? My L gave me the impression that what I would receive was pretty cut and dried based on earnings of H and I.
All this really blows and I truly wished he'd just left things as they were until the D was final. I do know that it is I, that is letting this make me spin a bit. I am working at seeing myself clear of that.
I would welcome, as always, anyone's advice, opinions, or 2 x 4s, as I'm struggling with this. Thanks.
