Am I doing everything wrong?

[Confused423]

Country,

Thanks for getting back with me! I DEFINITELY need to stop sleeping with him! It's just so hard...UGH!!! I'm getting alot of guidance from reading your sitch as a matter of fact. I started reading yours from the beginning and everything is almost identical to yours except in the opposite sexes. Trying to detach and let go is murder! It's been a month on a rollercoaster!!!!

DG,

You are right...I do need to stop snooping. It ALWAYS makes me feel worse and then I end up doing something that is completely anti dbing. I have been trying to remind myself of the control thing...and that's really hard for me as I'm a "fixer". I want to make everything better!!!

I'm also a "talker" and people like you are really giving me a chance to talk it out with people who are going through some of the same things! I really appreciate the input. It'll be alot better when my posts will just show up instead of having to wait so long. It gets frustrating to have to wait...but I think it is their sneaky way of helping us learn patience I do ALOT of reading on here and I'm getting a lot of good ideas...now if I can just put them into practice.

[Confused423]

So...I have a question for everyone!

Is it always best to cut off all contact except for kid talk? My H is not angry with me anymore and our interactions are great, but I don't know if that is cake eating or if we are moving in a positive direction.

He never brings up the relationship except to say things like "It's good to see you happy...I guess I was bringing you down!" He is also always saying things like "looking that good it will not take long for someone to snatch you up"

I could really use some advice...I'm kind of floundering out here!!

Thanks

[sandi2]

I may get shot down for saying this, but it sounds like your H has been getting the best from both his worlds. He's sleeping with two women and not having the responsibility of marriage! That would be called cake eating in my book.

Now, let me ask you a personal question. Why is it so hard for you to not have sex with him? Are you that "sexual" that you desire the act of having sex.....or do you need the affection & closeness of your H? Is it the attention or something else? Plus, you never said if you were insisting he use protection....and if he's not, you are taking a risk with your life.

"It's good to see you happy...I guess I was bringing you down!"

"looking that good it will not take long for someone to snatch you up"

He says those things b/c he wants you to argue and say, "Oh, no....you don't bring me down, that's not why I'm happy. I'm happy b/c you saw fit to throw me a few crumbs". "No, nobody will snatch me up b/c I'll never love anyone the way I love you."

I can't say what I'd really like to tell you b/c I'd get deleted. I just hope you will be able to see through what he's doing and start feeling like you are more valuable than SECONDS! He should be treating you like his queen instead of giving you left-over sex-making. Does that speak of honor and cherish?

Sweetheart, please know that I'm not trying to see how tacky I can be, and I'm not trying to cause more confusion for you. If you were my daughter, this is the what I would have told you......plus a whole lot of other stuff.

I think if you will work on your self-esteem and having a life that doesn't "depend" on him, you'll see a big diference.

This is JMO. I hope you'll come back and stay with us.

[Confused423]

Sandi,

Thanks for the advice. I know all of these things. I really do just want to be with him...period! I know that makes me sound desperate...I just don't know how to separate his lies from the truth. He tells me that I hurt him and that he doesn't know if he can trust me anymore.

I don't want to be his SECONDS...really I don't!! I've just loved him for sooo long that I am having a very hard time not doing the things that we have always done.

Our D is having a REALLY hard time with all of this and I'm struggling because unfortunately I want to make this easy for everyone and I can't. It's very new and frustrating!!!!

I am working on my self esteem and I'm going out to try new things. I have been going out with friends and enjoying their company and it has been really nice!! Everyone has been pushing me to go out with someone new, but I can't make them understand that I'm not ready for that and that I'm MARRIED!!! Whether he is faithful or not...I AM!!!

I'm trying to DB, but anytime I go dark it seems that things get worse...not better. UGH!!!

Thanks for giving me some advice...keep it coming...I'm always interested in someone else's perspective!

[♪CS♪]

Confused, like I said and sandi said, the sex has to go. Unless you are happy with an open R, you need to draw a line in the sand. Me or her.

That said, use your friendly R to your advantage. The sex is "cake eating" IMO, but being friendly with each other is not.

You need to be able to set boundaries, but do so calmly and without anger. You can remain friendly, but he needs to know, OW is not acceptable. And while that continues, you, physically, are off limits.

[dbmod]

from Michele re: sex with the estranged spouse:


Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:

As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.

For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.

Michele

[Confused423]

Thanks everyone for the advice! dmod...thanks for the article!

I am having a hard time sleeping lately and I really goofed this afternoon. I sent a text that was meant for a friend of mine and it went to my H instead b/c he was talking to me at the same time. Now he thinks that I am trying to find someone new and he is very upset about it.

I read in the "setting free" thread that this could be a good thing, but I don't know if it is the case with my H. He already says that he doesn't trust that the changes in me are permanent and now he thinks I'm stepping out on him.

I called him out on it (probably shouldn't have). I said that he hurt my feelings and that it bothered me that he was hung up on this because he does have another relationship. Was that the wrong thing to say??

I know that I am sporadic in my posts, but everything is sporadic right now!

I really appreciate all of the advice that I have been given though and I'm trying to work it all out in my head. Please keep it coming...

Thanks so much!!

[~¤DG¤~]

Confused,

I know exactly how it feels to want to do anything, absolutely anything to have your H come home. I also know the pain that you are in.
It consumes you. It is on your mind from the second you wake up until the
second you go to sleep. And if you wake up in the middle of the night, wellit's right there again. It's hard. Nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.

You really, really need to detach from him, as hard as it may be.
Be honest with yourself, if he showed up on your doorstep and said he wanted to work things out, would you welcome him back without reservations? I would hope not.

You need to set boundaries. You are allowing him to treat you like you are an option instead of a priority. You deserve better than that, so love yourself enough to deman better of yourself.

Work on loving you. Work on fixing you. As hard as it is don't make him your focus. Change for YOU. I know it's hard and I know you just want the pain to stop, but in the midst of pain is the biggest opportunity for growth.

Are you in C for yourself?

And I also read the other sitch's on here and the advice from others and it helps tremendously!!!

[Starsky309]

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

So MWD's advice is that we are to go by our feelings, and not by our thoughts? Isn't that what got us here in the first place -- our wayward spouses saying "I feel like my marriage has been dead for a long time, and it feels good to be with OM/OW, and so I'm going to keep on running away from my marriage"???

I'd rather see the sex-or-no-sex be a part of a well-thought-out PLAN by the betrayed spouse, and not based on their FEELINGS, which -- let's face it -- are garbled at best at they are reeling from what's happened to them.

Starsky

[Confused423]

Journaling...

Last night was hard...couldn't get to sleep at all. I've read back through my posts and I see so much desperation. I thought that I had gotten to a better place with it, but obviously I haven't as it is showing through in the words that I have written.

I do know that most days I have a positive attitude and I'm really working on being Happy. See...I had a very negative reaction to some birth control and it caused me to be extremely depressed. I was angry and could find no joy in anything that I did. It was a very dark time in my life and unfortunately I took all of my frustration and anger out on my family. As soon as I had the birth control removed, I began to feel better and I started to be more ME. I feel giddy with that part of my life because it's so nice to see ME again.

However, the consequences of that time in my life was that my H felt like I didn't want our marriage and he was not getting what he needed from me. That is how the A began. I can understand why he turned to someone else, but I can't help being angry that he didn't talk to me about the way he was feeling. He has told me that I broke his heart and that he doesn't know if he can trust me again.

I love him, but I truly am working toward the place where I can be happy with or without him. My D is having a really hard time with this and when she does I get down on everything and start looking at the negative instead of the positive.

I keep telling myself that it's a work in progress and that I have to have patience...but it's so hard!