Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

Actually, Beatrice, moving on is pretty good db'ing. It aligns with detaching and GAL. I have been doing both for a long time. Or, at least, trying. Yet, still he can pull me in at odd times. It doesn't help that I was somewhat reliant during my illness. I hope I can become more independent in the future.

Doing nothing as WCW says isn't bad per se. It's better than doing the wrong thing. Sometimes, one tends to act foolishly when you're bored, or see no activity in the M, or feeling depressed, or whatever. This is where GAL helps, and I've not been able to get into something since returning from europe.

I wanted to get a LS last year, but he so hummed and hahed, that I realized that unless I got all the work done, he wasn't going to do anything himself. So, I changed my mind, and told him that if he wanted one, then he was going to have to initiate it. I asked him straight if he wanted to separate, and all he could say was a vague "well, you know, things haven't worked for long time." Not a "no", not a "yes". Nothing specific, and I have tried many times to pinpoint the exact issues. I have given up trying, unless I get some brilliant idea.

I do think there's a OW, but one that cannot commit to him, maybe????

[beatrice]

I like your strap line 'Live your life or it will live you' I get a sense that maybe you need to revisit it?

Do something different, take the initiative and maybe move out - not the same as making things easy for your h. Your choice though

If he feels things haven't worked why stay together? If there is an OW it might help to focus his mind if you take some action. Why wait on him - it just gives him the control.

[WCW]

I'm not saying don't do anything with your life, you definitely need to live your life and keep moving forward. What I'm offering is that when it comes to the R with your H you've swung from side to side so much that sitting in the middle for awhile might be the thing to do. There is so often I've seen here that folks try to force a change and it backfires.

I admit that I got to the point where I felt good enough about me, my life, my plans, my confidence in me, that I told my H I was not living the way he had us set up anymore, and I was ready to change it. Maybe I was just lucky that I had waited long enough, but he listened, and he never made a sharp turn but his path made a wide swing back.

I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone, but I moved forward with my life and always left room for H to join me.

[beatrice]

Apologies for threadjack but your h was one of the more 'reasonable' MLCers wasn't he?

I am not advocating 'forcing' a change, but simply recognising when the time has come for a radical change. for our own sake.

Backfiring to me implies expectations. Moving on is what we want to do. I have no hopes at all that my h will ever come out of MLC, and so i get on with my own life. I am not sure how you would leave enough room for someone to join you who appears to hate everything about you!

[WCW]

Sure, reasonable compared to some here, that didn't make it any easier to live it day to day in the same house.

I do think that there are many people that change or 180 and have expectations, and then change again, and pretty soon there's so much spinning that who can tell what is really happening? That's why IMO some times just being still is right for awhile. That doesn't make it right forever.

I felt plenty of hatred from H, it was tense and real. But I lived my life, I was able to go back to MY roots, which was also the base for the R with my H. I put new challenges in my plan for me, and it was up to H if he wanted to stay a part of what I was doing.

[beatrice]

I thought about what you wrote for a while before replying. I do think that it makes a difference to how we view our actions according to whether or not they return, and how badly they treat us during the divorce process [initiated by my h incidentally]. The lies and concealment were disgraceful, and deeply hurtful, but almost impossible to prove without racking up huge costs. So he got a very very good deal.

I think I left the door open for too long. Yes, I moved on with my life, and had a good time, but a bit of me went on hoping, at some level, that he would wake up. I allowed that small hope to linger too long. But of course if he had woken up it would have seemed like the right thing to do. Overall I am glad I did wait a very long time, because I have no regrets that I slammed the door too soon on what was a great marriage.

But I don't want the person he is, and has chosen to remain in my life any more[and I think there is a choice in all of this, as well as a lot of driven action]. Paradoxically i think, in my case, because we had an amazingly happy marriage - he ONCE admitted this before retreating back into BS - it is harder for my xh to come out. He didn't shatter an OK life, he shattered an amazingly joyful one that he stopped appreciating. That is a huge burden for any person to carry and deal with in addition to their MLC problems.

[BeingMe]

So, H is not coming home tomorrow, after all. Apparently, they desperately need him there, so he will come home mid-May, unless something else happens. I was getting butterflies in anticipation of seeing him again, but it turned to nausea and swallowing tears when I saw the email.

I don't know how much longer I can handle the constant loneliness, and lack of companionship. I'm alone 80% of the time, and that is so unhealthy. Yes, I am in contact with friends and family via facebook/email/phone, but it's not the same.

[beatrice]

Hi, Standing still is sometimes good. But other times it is time to move on. Your call, but it really isn't good to go on feeling as you do. Why not follow your dream, and if you don't have one, get one.

I am older than you, and divorced for the past few months, and much happier than when I was waiting around for my h to "wake up". Yes, he was hostile and mean to me, and yours seems distant, uncommitted and cold. Perhaps it is time to say enough, to tell your h that if he wants to commit he can come and find you, but that you are not holding your breath?

The sad truth is that some just do not wake up, ever. Think hard about what is holding you back from moving on? Hope, fear, inertia? I am not berating you, but just sad that you seem so unhappy, and dependent on what your h decides to do.

[punkin]

Being,

Take it from an Army wife of 20+ years. I was alone MOST of the time for one deployment, school, etc. or another.

You have to take the steps to get one with your life. My H used to brag how self-sufficient I was, but now regards it by being hostile and smart a$$. That is HIS problem. I'm self sufficient because I HAD to be. And it has probably saved my bacon.

Explore a little. See what Being enjoys, instead of waiting patiently for H to get his head out of his a$$. That CANNOT be entertaining viewing. Trust me, if this is a new Being, then H will notice.

[BeingMe]

Mila and Punkin ... you inspire me. Thanks for your wise words of advice.

My H has control of the finances. He sends me money every two weeks, which I put into my own account. I have no credit beyond that, although we own our house jointly. Everything else is in his name. I doubt I could get a job now, but I am at uni studying and hope to find writing jobs when I complete my degree.

I know I need to move on. I had started detaching ... again ... last year, but something changed my mind. I felt a sadness in him, a depression which held me back. He is feeling bad about his mom, and other things. But, too much I have sacrificed for him. I am uncertain about what to do. My annual MRI is coming up, and I keep wondering if I'm not wasting time moving on to a new life when it may be very limited in time.

I used to be so independent ... what happened?