[edited by dbmod to add note: One man's good advice is another man's downfall. Some women respond well to this, a good deal of women go running. In general, this is NOT DB advice.]
Could you explain please. This is not how I interpreted Divorce Busting.
Are you and MWD suggesting that we allow our wives to sleep with other men?
Please help. I can't understand how this is solution focused.
Are you and MWD suggesting that we allow our wives to sleep with other men?
I am no expert by any means, but I will say this. Do we allow it? We are talking about another human being. One with free will. Able to make their own choices. We don't allow them to do anything.
So what can we do? We can choose not to put up with it and move on. We can choose to accept the fact that we do not control their actions and only our own. We can choose to stand for our M or not. We can choose to drink a beer or a glass of wine. We cannot choose our W's behavior for them.
We have many choices in these situations. But one thing we do not have is control over another human being. No one is saying we need to "put up with it." We all make our own choices how to behave under these tough circumstances. We choose what we believe is right.
We allow ourselves how to behave. What you allow for yourself is up to you.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Are you and MWD suggesting that we allow our wives to sleep with other men?
I am no expert by any means, but I will say this. Do we allow it? We are talking about another human being. One with free will. Able to make their own choices. We don't allow them to do anything.
So what can we do? We can choose not to put up with it and move on. We can choose to accept the fact that we do not control their actions and only our own. We can choose to stand for our M or not. We can choose to drink a beer or a glass of wine. We cannot choose our W's behavior for them.
We have many choices in these situations. But one thing we do not have is control over another human being. No one is saying we need to "put up with it." We all make our own choices how to behave under these tough circumstances. We choose what we believe is right.
We allow ourselves how to behave. What you allow for yourself is up to you.
We cannot control our spouses, nor any other adult human being.
We can, however, choose how we RESPOND to them, and what our OWN boundaries of personal integrity are going to be.
"I will not allow you to have sex with another man" is controlling. "I will not remain in a marriage where my wife is having sex with another man" is a personal boundary.
Read up about enabling behavior. The enabler cannot CONTROL the alcoholic, but he/she can certainly stop enabling the destructive behavior. Ultimately, however, yes -- it will be up to the addict to decide for themselves what to do about their hurtful actions.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Not a god@mn thing you can do about it except get away from it.
And live your life until they see things differently.
That's just it, TG. I don't see nearly enough of this on this forum. I see more "I'm being her best friend, and trying not to bring up her drinking (her infidelity), because that only pushes her further away from me."
We say all the time here, "go by what they DO, not by what they SAY," but then we -- as left-behind or betrayed spouses -- do just that. I see people post "I have told him/her in no uncertain terms, yadda yadda yadda," but then their actions say "I'm okay with this," or "I'm too fearful of losing you to NOT be okay with this."
