Another New Day 2

[islander]

My SD knows I am not her dad, but we are very close bc I spend so much more time with her than he does. Every once in a while, she will call me dad, but it has never been encouraged.

My D and SD know they are not blood sisters, but hey really don't know the difference. They have always been in each others lives, and don't remember a time when they did not know each other.

I think that my SD believes my parents are her grandparents. I know my D definitely believes my inlaws are her grandparents, but again it is bc she has spent so much time with them since she was small.

My D knows my W is not her mother, but they have a good relationship. Every once in a while she would call her mom, but she knows the difference.

I don't getto spend as much time with my D as much as I do with my SD. To be
honest, I am probably closer to my SD than to my D, just to the difference in the amount of time I am able to spend with them. I only get my D every 4 out of 14 days, whereas I am or was spending about every 10 out of 14 days with my SD over the last couple of years.

I

[islander]

I know you are right 9. And I know that R talk isn't coming from her anytime soon, if at all. I need to just let it be, as Denver said. So hard to do, but once I realize I don't have any choice it should be easier. I need to realize it right now, today!!!

I went to my Ds play this morning. She was excited to see me, and waved to me alot in the begining, even though she told me yesterday I wasn't allowed to do that.

I need to work on being a better father to her. It is hard when her mother
doesn't even want me in her life. But she has no choice. I get my 4 days in a row every 14 days with her.

If you remember, my Ds mother is the reason we had so much stress in our M. After taking her to court so many times she finally learned her place and I have almost no contact with her other than an occasional pick up or drop off when it is necessary. Other than that I get my D from school on thursday and return her there on Monday.

Ironically, she stopped bothering us in October 2010 after I took her to court the last time, and the stress level immediately dropped and has continued to do so.
To bad my W had already started an EA/PA at this time.

I feel like if I would have had my court date with her 3 months earlier, my W and I would not be where we are at today vi know, I can't dwell on something I can't change, but it crosses my mind.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for the 2x4. Doesn't bother me at all. I need to hear these things. Don't know why I don't listen to them more. Yearly I do I am afraid.

I feel that my W will just forget about me.

She will assume I don't care about her.

That I will just be making it easier for her if I "just go away"

You said it! This is all about being 'afraid'... fear. And while I think that your fear is perfectly natural in the situation, you MUST conquer it and recognize it for what it is. The worst has already happened to you man. Your W is having an A. What else is there to fear? Think of it that way.

Bottom line? You CANNOT let fear control you or cause you to lose focus on what you know that you need to do.

I think I was doing pretty good until last month when she came home Nd said she wanted to reconcile. I haven't recovered from that yet, and that is the truth. It is not as raw right now, but it is just under the surface.

Yes, and, if I recall correctly, you handled that situation with machete when you needed to handle it with a scalpel. You need to go review DR. AND follow it.

I know that you haven't recovered from this... at least you are recognizing it. Now go back to the beginning and start doing the things that got her to come to you wanting to reconcile.

I still believe that it is very possible that she will come full circle wit this... possible. But you have to do the things that DR suggest and follow advice that you receive here.

If and when she starts to come around again, or as you start seeing progress, be REALLY careful not to jump the gun... handle EVERY instant of your situation with extreme care. View it as a very precious possession that is wrapped in a box marked very clearly "FRAGILE" ...

is trying to blame me for the bad relationship she has with her parents. For the way her dad treats her and her mom. Truth be told, her dad and I really don't even talk about her anymore. We just fish and I go to church with them. BUT, I need them to help me when I have my D too. That is why they moved next door to us, and I don't have any other support down here to help me with my D. So I say all that bc my R with her parents is not going to just stop bc my W wants it to. And she knows this, bc the last time she said something about it, she said she didn't want me to stop seeing them, or something to that effect.

So what? IMO, this is typical WAS behavior... blaming everything and anything on the LBS.

Validate her feelings and thoughts, and try to find something that you can agree with her on when you have these conversations. I find that there is always SOMETHING that you can find to agree upon. When you DO NOT validate and agree, you throw fuel on the fire.

Otherwise, let her be angry for these things... upset... whatever. She owns them. They are her cross to bear. She must deal with them on her own. You cannot help her.

I don't know how I am supposed to respond to her when she contacts me. I go back and forth, should I ignore her, or respond to her in a friendly manner, but only respond to her and not contact her?

I say follow this:

1) Do not initiate contact unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.

2) Be kind, polite and friendly if and when she contacts you.

3) BUT keep conversations SHORT and to the POINT.

4) ALWAYS try to be the one that ends the conversation (bc you are busy doing something FUN!)

5) ABSOLUTELY no R talk ... definitely don't bring it up.

6) If you sense that an argument is about to ensue, or that your W is trying to push your buttons, politely end the conversation AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

A silly question, but I am going to ask it, and it may show you how lost I really am: she wants to play words with friends with me on our iPhones. Should I play a game like that with her during this time. I really need to know an answer to this. I feel like she is reaching out to me in some form, and that it maybe some form of a baby baby baby step???

I'm not familiar with the game. Baby step? Possibly. Or it could be that she is just trying to put you in the 'friend zone'.

How about this? Agree to play the game 1 out of every, say, 3 times that you are invited to play. When you decline, follow what I said above about being polite and friendly... and decline for a good reason. I am at the gym... or I am in the middle of a flying lesson... whatever! Something fun, exciting, and intriguing.

Now when you do play, that 33%, be fun and engaging... but do NOT treat your W any differently than the others playing. Don't make her think that you are playing for her. And every once in a while... withdraw from a game that you have accepted the invitation to play... bc you are going to wrestle and alligator or something... LOL... again, fun, exciting and intriguing!!!

I have read DR, but not for a little while. I started to get worried when 3 or 4 other people here seemed to go down at the same time, and I thought that I was going to be next. Stupid, but that is how I felt.

Yes, there was a bit (no pun intended) of a bloodbath here in the last couple of weeks. But again, this just your fear driving your actions. Let go of that man. You will be MUCH better off regardless of what happens with your M. I can promise you that.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

I tried my first bit of DB again today.

I talked to my fil about our fishing trip and told him my D wasn't going with us, and that she was spending the day with my W and SD. He told me that my W just got off the phone with my MIL, W stated that we had an argument last night, and she wasn't sure if I was going to let her take her.

We cleared that up last night, and ended the conversation with her taking my D with her, and we both "made up" after our argument. I don't know where the confusion was.

I called W, she did not answer and called me back about an hour later.

I explained to her what her dad told me, and basically said I was confused bc I remember telling her that she could take her tomorrow, and I had even told her last night that it was never my intention to not let her take her.

We spoke lightly about how her night went, my Ds play, and her plans for tomorrow. She said she wanted to go with me to the play, but she worked till 4am and had to be back at 1pm today.

We talked a little more, then she said she had to let me go bc of work, and that she would call me later.

I think the only thing I did wrong was that I should have ended the conversation first. Other than that, I was upbeat, I did not sound depressed, and kept the conversation VERY light.

I just feel exhausted with being so attached to her emotionally right now, that I definitely realize that I need to detach ASAP.

I hope that I keep feeling this way. I am on my way to pick up our girls from school, then I am going to bring them back to our house so they can play for an hour or so bf we go to my inlaws tonight.

[islander]

so, right now I am feeling that my W is a fool for leaving me, our family, our home, and our life. Yeah, maybe it got a little boring and mundane, but that is life. you have to roll with it, work it, wrestle it, and just get through it...together.

I also feel that she is the one that is going to lose in the end. not me. I know what is important, and what it takes to keep it. Maybe too little, too late...IDK, But I know.

Our Kids were very excited to see me when I picked them up from school today. I told them that we were going to go to our house for a little while. They were both so excited. My SD said that she asked my MIL this morning if she could come over to my house tonight...That is awsome that she asked that. My SD said that she missed her home and hadn't been there in a while. I toldher she could start coming over more often, and she will. Tomorrow night they are both going to stay at our house, and I am going to set up the tent in the living room for them. They are very excited.

My W doesn't know what she is doing, and how it is affecting our kids. But I don't think it is up to me to tell her. It should be obvious, and she will eventually figure it out.

I feel pretty good tonight. I thought about how I am a really great person, not perfect by any means, but I am pretty great. If my W doesn't think so, again, that is her loss. I know I will come out of this with more than I had when I went in, whatever the outcome is.

NOW, I just have to remember this tomorrow morning when I wake up!!!

[♪CS♪]

Better! I have to admit, I have a lot of the same thoughts. While it can be comforting to think that in the end we will be the ones in a better place, that should not be our focus. We should be happy were we are headed, but no joy from their possible disappointment.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

We are great people. We did not find this place by chance. We did so because under the worst circumstance, we chose to fight, not to run. I think it says a lot about the character of everyone here. But we are also people who have contributed to a broken marriage. We all have our weaknesses. We now face our own personal challenge to become a better person. Fix ourselves, so history won't be repeated, with our S, or with someone else.

Enjoy ever minute with your children. While it might not be ideal, we have an opportunity to teach them a lot. How to handle diversity. It is something everyone will have to face. Do you fight or run? Do you improve or crumble?

[sandi2]

You will feel good when you focus on your personal changes and make goals for "you". If you focus on your W and why she's doing/acting/saying whatever, you will feel upset. If you try to make goals about "her", then you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. You can't control her, do you can set goals for her. That is one of the reasons for backing away emotionally. You need some time and space to set about improving yourself.

[~ kd ~]

Islander... remember this... it could very well allow you to keep your sanity...

Believe none of what you hear and 50% of what you see.

My W told me she wanted to be friends no matter what happened. She is not being my friend at this time, regardless of where we are at or the ups or downs we are having.

My W told me that she wanted to have each other be at family events. But she has not invited me to her family events and is not likely to go to my family events. And she is now talking about separate x-mases, and other special events.

My W told me that she would cut my hair. Then didn't. I asked again and she agreed again, but she didn't. Had I reminded her on those days, she probably would have. Or maybe not. It doesn't matter.

The point is, they are saying things that seem like the right answer. The problem is, they don't act on it. They might if prodded. But that's not giving them the opportunity to do what they want. It IS pressure. And they DO NOT like it. Eventually, the react and strike at us in whatever way they know will hurt us. Intentionally or not.

So the good advice that you've been given remains. Detach. Do not stop loving your W if you do not want to. Love unconditionally, from afar, without stating it and without showing it. Loving her is for you. She may or may not start showing that she loves you. If she does, that's when you might... VERY CAREFULLY... start to say and show you return the love.

And remember... believe NONE of what you hear and 50% of what you see... and go from there...

[islander]

I am going to try to keep this very short tonight. I have had a couple of beers, and I just put my daughter to bed.

I let my W take my D with her to the beach yesterday, and last night she dropped her off at her parents house while i was there, cleaning up from our fishing trip My D and SD stayed with me last night, and they had a good time.

When my W picked up my SD today, I let my D go with them bc the girls wanted to be together today. When my W picked them up today, she came into the house for about 5 minutes, and we just chatted i guess. When my W dropped my D off tonight, she came in the house and sat on the couch with me for about 10 minutes. This is the first time she has really done this, with the exception of "you arlready know what happened". We talked about both of our weekends, and the conversation was very light.

When she left, I told her bye, and my SD told me she loved me, and really wanted me to carry her to the car which I did. (She has been really affectionate with me lately). I told her I loved her, and she said the same, then I told my W bye, and they left.

Then I got REALLY upset, but gave myself time to calm down, and now I am OK....As soon as my D walks in the house with me, she says, "dad, I already know XXX has a boyfriend, and his name is XXX." I ask her where she heard that from, and she says my SD told her. I asked her what else she said, and she said that was it. I told my D that was not true, my W does not have a boyfriend, that she is married to me and I am her husband, and that she shouldn't say that again.

My W had litteraly just pulled out of our driveway when my D told me this. I wanted to chase after her car or call her, but i restrained myself and did neither. I know this does not change anything, and that my kids are old enough where they are going to talk about these types of things bc their lives are affected so much by all of this..

oh well, another day down, and I kept my cool all day. No R talk or anything. DB, her I come (i think).

[islander]

Well I woke up and I am feeling pretty down again. Just took my D to school and my house will be empty again for another 10 days. I am going to run 3 or more miles shortly, and hope to fel better when I finish.

I was thinking today, that if I had only put 5% of the effort into my M, that I have been focusing on for the past 5 months, how different it could have been.