Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Time for a couples therapy journal entry. It's been a few days since our session, but I have not really been up for journaling lately. I have also found myself stopping some of the great behaviors I have been working on. I need to make a better effort, so I will be going to church on Sunday and start my daily exercise on Monday.

I came into therapy this time with a couples points written out that I wanted to discuss.

1. I received my yearly performance bonus, and even though we have separated finances, I thought it appropriate to pass by my intentions with the money. It was a large amount, so I didn't want to hide anything. Explained to my W that I would use its entirety to pay off all remaining debt. This would make us debt free minus our house. W told me that my bonus is my money but also happily agreed.

2. My individual therapist mentioned that it might be a good idea to just check in with my W to see where she is in her journey and where she sees my role in the process at this time. I mentioned that I wanted to give her space, but I sometimes found it difficult to balance being too helpful and complete avoidance. We talked about privacy. She said that sometimes she felt as if my questions to her had an agenda. When I ask her what she is up to or if she has plans, she feels like I am trying to figure out if she is going out and/or meeting the OW. I explained to my W that I am simply trying to make small talk and did not want to cross privacy boundaries or seem like I was prying. She agreed that it is okay to have small talk about our lives concerning how we are doing, and we will both do a better job at recognizing when a question is uncomfortable.

3. I had sought out and contacted a few parenting coordinators to help my W out. I wanted to give her some of the info that I got from the two sources. How much they will cost. What they specialize in, etc. W was pissed. She feels that I have an agenda here as well. She says that I am contacting these people first to develop a relationship and create bias. The therapist mentioned that the last words said concerning this last week were that my W wanted me to do nothing to help. I tried to explain that W had really been upset that I was not taking any initiative to help find a coordinator. I only wanted to help her and show her that I do support the needs to find out what is best for our S. W mentioned that she felt as though I was steamrolling and taking over like I have always done. She compared this to me making decisions in our lives where she felt unheard. For her, it is a control behavior on my part.

I then tried to explain to my W that I never want to put her in a situation that she feels unheard. I did my best to explain to her that I have now recognized times in the past where I have made certain decisions that were logical to me, but I did not take my W's opinion fully in the matter. Sometimes I would go through with an action to get it accomplished without stopping for input from W. I told her that I am really working hard to change these behaviors.

My W stopped me and told me that what I am saying now is really upseting her. She said that it is maddening to think that I spent five years of our relationship not caring about her opinion. She then said what amounted to being done and out of here.

My therapist then told my W that she did not hear that intent from the words that I just told her. Therapist started to tell her what I had said, but my W stopped her and told her not to put words in my mouth. W was very angry at both me and therapist at this point. Therapist asked my W to explain again what she heard from my comments. W said that I told her that I admitted to never taking her opinion in our relationship and now I had just decided to change and fix it. Therapist again told W that what I told her did not imply that at all and then asked me to try an explain again what I meant.

I told my W that I have always valued her opinion. I never and have never wanted her to be on unequal ground or feel unheard. I told my W that I just mentioned a few behaviors where I would think my logical choice was best in certain circumstances. I said in those circumstances, I now see where I was at fault for not including her fully in that decision. This did not mean that I have never valued her opinion. There were just certain circumstances where I did not fully include her and that I was wrong for not doing so. Many of these time, I had simply not stopped to think that W really cared one way or another. I wanted her to know that I am really working hard to recognize when these instances occur and then also act to allow complete input from W before a decision is made. I want her on equal ground. In the end my words mean nothing and my actions will have to speak louder. Our session was then over.

Ugh! I don't know what I am trying to tell her. I was trying to tell her that I recognize this fault of mine and am truly working at improving myself on those behaviors. Everything I said, she would take and spin it. It all comes back to the anger she feels for me just now making the change. She had even mentioned how mad she was that it took five years, couples therapy, her telling me that she didn't love me, an affair, and her leaving for me to make these changes. This goes back to that anger phase of the WAS that is mentioned here so often. I guess I just have to keep working and dodge her punches. I hope this is the correct aproach for me to continue and that this anger will cease at some point.