Am I moving on? Yes. Very much so. Very slowly. Still.
I'm well past the point of ever taking her back; past that a long time ago really. It's just not possible and I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality I see and had hoped not to. I see that my concerns are valid I haven't been wrong to date, sadly. I do see that she will continue to try to hurt me for years to come most likely. If I let her, she will do damage. I see that to be true. I only post parts when I journal. It helps to discuss some of these things for me. To be able to journal them, is cathartic in some ways. Part of me also hopes journaling here will later help somebody else dealing with similar emotions and issues. I also come here to get some advice. That has been helpful. When I look for advice, I look to many sources and this is one of them.
What makes you ask? Still see some pain in my posts? Incredulity? I suspect so. I expect that to continue for a while as well. See, the further I get from this, the more things "click" into place. Things said a long time ago now make sense. Seeds were planted, and now I get it. While I am moving on, I also know that you can't just break and walk away clean. Unless you're a WAS I guess (that was humor; I don't think anyone can just suddenly walk without being nutz). It really does take time to disentangle. I'm done. No mistake. But I still have things to deal with and so I journal about them.
Did you see something different in my posts? Or was there another reason you were asking?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
would it be possible for you to journal about other things going on in your life? i think it's great that you are moving on and that this may help others with similar issues.
what is your week like?
Quote:
I haven't been wrong to date, sadly.
i almost took this out of context .. and i thought you were dating. i read it a second time and then went .. ohhhh .. that's what he meant.
instead of journaling about just your interactions and thoughts on stuff surrounding your sitch .. journal about the other stuff too.
what kind of things are you working on? any home projects? travelled anywhere interesting? meet any new people?
when do you get your kids? what kind of things do you do with your kids? i know your daughter is a teenager so it's tough ..
i guess i'm too lazy to read this from the beginning.
LOL. I was just coming here to journal about the sit. Just quickly: turns out tax time is here. We have a choice - file married but sep, and we both pay. File joint, and we both get money back. Who knew? :0)
The rest of my life is pretty good. And yes, I am dating - cautiously and without expectations or comittments. I don't think now is the time in my life for deep comittments ya know? I really like people. I've been making all KINDS of new friends. That was something I put off to focus more on my family the past few years of my marriage. I missed that the most. I am a people person who works in a technical field. I work in an IT department as a lead engineer/architect/consultant/chief cook and bottle washer. I'm hoping to start a new job in the next few weeks. I've been at this company in the same position with very little changes for 5 years this Easter. I am focusing at the moment on about 7,000 different things, and as my boss jokes, all my assignments are priority 1. Just that they are priority 1a, 1b, 1c, etc. I'm the guy they throw in when tact, decorum, and sanity need to be restored. I am also the guy that does a lot of international interaction work with other IT shops in our company. Years ago I specialized in Microsoft messaging technologies, but these days I'm a master of all trades (as far as the customers know). I took on the additional responsibilities two weeks ago for the new position prior to officially getting it. That makes me busier these days than I have been. But I enjoy the challenge, and like I said, I really do like people. I've been running for the past 2 years. I had stopped for a long time, again, to focus more on the family and job. I originally took this particular job as a way to stay closer to home and have a more flexible schedule so I could take care of the kids while she went back to Dental school to be a dentist v.s the hygienist she already was. It was her life-long dream to become a doctor. Seemed a good fit and I'm sure she'll be a good one. I left a good job with international travel (love that too) to take this one. Hated this one for a while, but that's more to do with the global market as a whole. It's gotten much better in the past year. I work in a division that is heavily impacted by the US housing market I get my kids half the time. It's a joint custody thing. They are with me every other weekend and Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays because I take my son to and help teach his confirmation class. Middle schoolers are so much fun.... Lately my daughter is not coming over at all. She is unhappy with me. To be more precise, I think she is unhappy and taking it out on me, but perspective is what it is. She will be 16 on Easter this year. My son is 13 going to be 14 in August. I've had the pleasure of raising them mostly by myself and I don't regret taking this job for that reason. Now that the job is getting better and I have broken in my boss, I'm ready for that next challenge. It helps that my kids are older and I don't have to worry so much about them when they get home from school or when they want to stay at a friends house etc. What do we do together? All kinds of things. When the weather is better, I like to get out and about. When it's not, we might just laze around or do things around the house or whatever. Not terribly important to me to have structured things to do. During the better and warmer weather last year, I took them all over the place to area happenings. I throw parties at the house and they invite their friends over or go to friends houses as well. My son and I will likely play some golf this year. There are many many courses here in North Carolina to choose from. Not that I'm a big golfer (shoulder injury and subsequent surgery changed the swing too much and made it painful; I still play) but I figure it's fun. We've talked about surfing this year now that he's big enough and a strong enough swimmer. I also take them to outdoor plays, running events (son runs too. Daughter is a rower). Pretty much whatever I do outside of a club or bar, they come along and do as well.
Monday throug Wednesday of every week is taken up already for me. With the new duties, Tuesdays are a bear and very late night. Monday - run club. We have a great local run club that meets at a bar. We run, we drink beer. Can't be much better than that. Tuesday - confirmation class and conf calls Wed - downtime with the kids Thursday - catch up with friends Friday - whatever Saturday - yardwork/housework/playtime with the kids when they are there Sunday - church, playtime/nap? Rinse and repeat each week until June. In June the confirmation class stops. Tuesdays become less fun and less time consuming. Middle schoolers are a lot of fun. Have I mentioned that?
By and large, I keep a very busy life now. It took a while to pick myself up and rebuild where once there was a crater. One step at a time, I rebuilt it. I tried different things and some stuck and some haven't. I am not given to drinking much. I'm not good at it. I don't care for the strip clubs. I am not a drug addict nor do I partake. Those things are still the same for me. I am a Christian man. I have been for a very long time; was even president of my church years ago. I'm not terribly smart, but I'm not stupid either. I like people. I like to be alone sometimes but I really like being in a crowd of people the most. I get a charge out of that. I like dogs and cats, and I do miss my dogs. I have a very wide variety of interests including travel and academic interests although I have not yet finished my college degree. I prefer to play rather than watch sports. I've considered acting in local theatrical presentations although I don't sing well. I'm good with mechanical things, my hands, and my organizational skills when I put my mind to it. Next Saturday is my 40th birthday.
Oh. And I dislike painting my house although cleaning it is not a big deal. I do need to pain the inside though if I can keep it. I may do it anyway cause it's needed.
What else about me? I spent almost 6 years in the Marine Corps. I am originally from Los Angeles. I am considered a disabled veteran from a legal standpoint (I dislike that considering the injury, but it is what it is.) I have a sister and brother in law in Los Angeles. He works in the business. I have two nephews and now a niece. They are a lot of fun. My brother in law (her brother) just recently had a new son. That's technically still my nephew as well although I may never have occasion to meet him. Hard to say, but they seem very happy and I'm happy for them. They are the ones that lost their son to suicide a few years ago. We still keep in touch, so who knows right? Last thing about me for now? I am and almost always have been a very positive person. I am a technical person, so I can't say glass is half full kind of guy. I would still wonder if the glass was over engineered if the question came up
My fingers are tired and my phone is ringing so I'm back to work. What about you? What can you tell me about you?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
i just asked a simple question and i got 'war and peace'.
there isn't much to me. just a simple person, living a simple life. like everyone on this board, life dealt me some unfortunate circumstances but life just keeps trucking along. i no longer post here as the memories are not good and it keeps me stuck in a mud puddle that is no longer fun to play in. there is more to life than a mud puddle and i am discovering that as i venture out.
LOL. I know what you mean though. It took me a few times to leave the boards and come back before I didn't have those bad memories. I'm one of those people that keeps facing my issues until I'm bloody and dying or I've made it through. I don't let things fester and never have.
No updates today. Just waiting for the lawyers....
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Journaling. I sense that her lawyer is much of the delays and the reason we have no deal. That's part of it I think. Oh well, I am not in a hurry.
I've been putting more thought into filing vs. not filing. I have no reason not to, but what gives me pause is the principle of it. Since I figure it is in my best interest if she marries the OM, I could almost force that issue by filing for the divorce. She has been so hell bent on me filing it for years. I haven't a clue as to why, but do recall the time she offered me sex if I would initiate the divorce. That mentality (the offer is no good of course :)) has not stopped.
Otherwise, things are good. It's my birthday tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Work is slowly killing me but life is good
Later,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
well let me be the first to wish you a happy birthday.
thank you for being such a great role model on how to handle a yucky situation with dignity and great composure. i read your journal just to know how to deal with it myself.
thanks for not "losing it". you are destined for great things.
I haven't been wrong to date, sadly. I do see that she will continue to try to hurt me for years to come most likely. If I let her, she will do damage. I see that to be true.