New and desperate

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. You will find this place is full of very supporting folks. The more often you can post, and the more information you can give, the better we'll know your story and, hopefully, help you.

You have a heavy load whenever there are sick family members in the hospital. There are usually a few that have to take turns sitting with the patient and it can be so tiring, and it can cause a lot of stress in different ways. How is your nephew doing now?

Your H could be feeling some effects of mid-life. What is his age? Of course, one doesn't have to be a certain age to experience a "crises". It may be that he felt neglected or something else could have triggered it. It sure doesn't help you, does it? I'm so sorry all this has hit.

I would suggest that you get Michele's book, "The Divorce Remedy" and read. This board is based on those principles and techniques.

In the meantime, try to avoid any relationship talks with him. He probably doesn't want to deal with anything "serious" right now. In fact, if you try to talk to him about the marriage, he may blame all the problems on you. It's tempting to try to fix the marriage by talks, but it doesn't work at this stage.

Try not talking in any way that would cause him to feel that you are talking down at him, telling him what to do, sounding like his mother, or preachy. I think some men may not even want their wife to act or talk like a wife! You know what that is, right?

He may not want to feel married right now, so just try not to treat him as such. You know, try to act as if the two of you are not an old married couple. Hard to do when your heart is breaking. This is just a starting place.

Set some goals about yourself. What was your personality like when he fell for you? What were your attitudes toward people, his career, your career......life in general. How have you changed? What can you do to change yourself for the better?

You see, this is most of what DBing is all about. Yes, working on the marriage, support, etc., but starting with the things you can change. You can't change him....at least not in the ways you want. You can't make him be who or what you want. You can't control what he does or how he feels. But, you can control yourself.

So, start with that, and how you can find time for some healthy activities. Get some good rest. Eat a healthy diet. These things can fall by the wayside when we've been spending time in a hospital. Being healthy is important for you to work on your marriage.

Take one step at a time....one day at a time. Decide what you really, really want.....then keep your eye on the goal.

I'll talk to you later.

(hugs)