New and desperate

[kappyj74]

Hi. I'm new at this forum. I've been married for 16 yrs and have an 11 year old daughter. About 6 months ago my husband told me he loves me but is not in love with me. I was blindsided. Didn't expect it. Like any other coue, we weren't perfect but I never imagined we were broken to that point. About 3 yrs ago he had an emotional affair. After a lot of talking and healing we were back on track. Everything was great the last 2 yrs. I had a nephew that was born 1 yr ago with an intestinal disease. He was hospitalized for 9 months straight. We spent a lot of time at the hospital. But he never said it was a problem. Life went on. Things were good. He says he wants to try to get that "feeling" back. He wants to try to work it out. But it doesn't seen like it's happening. There are days he's happy and good and ten days he seems flustered. He tells me he wants to party and live his life before he dies. He doesn't want to be attached and have to worry about being home or not. I get confusing feedback from him. We don't really talk a lot about it because Everytime we do it doesn't really go well. I really want to save my marriage. I think he wants to too or else he would have already left. Help!! What can I do??

[dbmod]

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[ninelives]

Hello Kappy:

First thing to do is try and not panic. Your sitch doesnt sound so bad but you need to elaborate more and give more details.

I just posted a lot of things on cropped thread so if you read those, that is a starting point in my opinion.

The good news is that your H has not checked out yet and there isnt evidence of a PA yet but dont rule that out ever. I made the mistake of burying my head in the sand when it came to that.

I would have handled things differently had i did some more investigating for an affair.

IT is so important to remember that although you want to save your marriage , and believe me when I say this to you, we all do and badly but as days go into weeks and then into months , you may realize that you are not defined by your spouse. You were an individual before you met him and you can be again.

NOw before you dismiss this, Trust me when I tell you that over a year ago when I first found out, i thought I was going to die.

Could not sleep, eat( lost 50lbs BTW), concentrate on anything for longer than a few seconds and could only think about my S.

And that happened again when she left for the second time which was worse because I found out about her affair and she is still with OM.

But things do get better if you give it time. Patience is the key to all this. You cannot be making rash decisions and letting your life run you.

It is so difficult to believe this right now but it does get better.

Also, you may not even have to worry about that because like i said, it sounds there is hope for you guys, there always is until you decide its over.

Well roll up your sleeves and get ready to do the hardest work yo ever imagined doing.

9

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. You will find this place is full of very supporting folks. The more often you can post, and the more information you can give, the better we'll know your story and, hopefully, help you.

You have a heavy load whenever there are sick family members in the hospital. There are usually a few that have to take turns sitting with the patient and it can be so tiring, and it can cause a lot of stress in different ways. How is your nephew doing now?

Your H could be feeling some effects of mid-life. What is his age? Of course, one doesn't have to be a certain age to experience a "crises". It may be that he felt neglected or something else could have triggered it. It sure doesn't help you, does it? I'm so sorry all this has hit.

I would suggest that you get Michele's book, "The Divorce Remedy" and read. This board is based on those principles and techniques.

In the meantime, try to avoid any relationship talks with him. He probably doesn't want to deal with anything "serious" right now. In fact, if you try to talk to him about the marriage, he may blame all the problems on you. It's tempting to try to fix the marriage by talks, but it doesn't work at this stage.

Try not talking in any way that would cause him to feel that you are talking down at him, telling him what to do, sounding like his mother, or preachy. I think some men may not even want their wife to act or talk like a wife! You know what that is, right?

He may not want to feel married right now, so just try not to treat him as such. You know, try to act as if the two of you are not an old married couple. Hard to do when your heart is breaking. This is just a starting place.

Set some goals about yourself. What was your personality like when he fell for you? What were your attitudes toward people, his career, your career......life in general. How have you changed? What can you do to change yourself for the better?

You see, this is most of what DBing is all about. Yes, working on the marriage, support, etc., but starting with the things you can change. You can't change him....at least not in the ways you want. You can't make him be who or what you want. You can't control what he does or how he feels. But, you can control yourself.

So, start with that, and how you can find time for some healthy activities. Get some good rest. Eat a healthy diet. These things can fall by the wayside when we've been spending time in a hospital. Being healthy is important for you to work on your marriage.

Take one step at a time....one day at a time. Decide what you really, really want.....then keep your eye on the goal.

I'll talk to you later.

(hugs)

[kappyj74]

Thanks. Sorry I've been out for a while. I discovered a PA with a close friend of his family. I confronted him And he admitted to it. It lasted about 6 weeks and he ended it about 2 months ago. It was very painful. Especially that this is someone i will have to see at famy events lime a baby shower that is scheduled in 2 weeks!

He came to me last week on his own and asked me for my IC phone number. He wants to start going. He actually scheduled for this Wednesday. He called me to tell me he was nervous about going. I did buy the divorce busting nook and am currently reading it. Trying to hang in there but it's hard!!!


Thanks