MLC Purgatory

[goodattitudegirl]

Meganna,

I see that you are located in MN. It sounds as though your current situation is uncertain. I thought you might like to know about new legislation in MN for "Couples on the Brink" (www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/may/25/minnesota-will-pick-tab-counsel-divorcing-couples/). I'm not recommending a specific course of action. I just thought you might like to know that if your H is He77bent on D, the described above is currently available.

Hope your talk goes OK.

GAG

[meganna]

Thanks GAG, I didn't know about that. It's a good tool to keep in my back pocket.

I am consumed by grief right now. When I got home from work yesterday H told me he wanted to wait a few weeks to talk again because there was so much anger the other night when we spoke. Not sure if he meant he was so angry or he thought I was. I pushed it a bit and ended up suggesting we agree to stay separated for 6 months without changing anything financially or pursuing D. He asked if my main reason for suggesting that was financial stability, and I started crying and said no, my main reason is that I hope that more IC and time would open him up to working on R. I said after that of course money is an issue, pointed out if I have no guarantee from him then I have no choice but to take a full time position and put the kids in full time daycare and then when and where would he see them? He didn't have an answer for that. He also said if we do D, he hopes we can agree on things and not fight over things, the only thing he cares about is time with the girls. Which made me cry even more and I ended up telling him that to walk away from this M without even trying to save it was the ultimate selfish act towards his daughters, that he was the only one who would win in that scenario and he's never had to experience what it's like to be a child of D. He said no, my parents stayed together and I'm still so messed up. I asked if he'd posed the possibility of MLC to his IC, and he said he did and she doesn't think that's it. I asked if he would die for the girls, and he said of course, so I said then why can't you try for them? And he walked away, said goodbye to the kids, told me we would talk again in a few weeks, and left.

I just cannot even bear the thought of my daughters going through D and all the huge changes that will bring to their lives. They will lose so much, and they don't deserve that, and it just kills me.

[punkin]

Meganna,

STOP! Slow Down! Breath! I know the 'not knowing' is excruciating, but you can't put the cart before the horse on these things.

IMHO, you should never put a 'time line' like saying 6 months on these things. Your and his perception of that six month date may be totally different, and may in fact impede any progress that might be made. No, that's not a 2 x 4. Just my POV. In many ways you sound like me. I like to have a plan. Think it through and stick to it. One of the things I realized about myself is my lack of spontaneity in many areas. And for our type of personalities, the working on it day to day suks.

Yes, having to work full time and putting the kids in Day Care would be a change for them, but not a life damaging one. All my kids were raised in DayCare while I worked for a living, both married and not. They are tough, and would survive. No, it's not what we may want, but maybe what we have to work with.

No more crying in front of H, okay? The guilt trip thing is a dead end and will only push them away further and faster when they are not equipped to deal.

If my advice is worth anything, and I'm not saying it is, but i think you need some more pracice detaching, and give yourself some time to 'go dark'. Not seeing the H's hurts, but sometimes the being away gives you the chance to heal. In the wise words of Brooklyn, "get to gettin". Get A Life for yourself, not as Mrs. anybody, or anybody's mother, but for yourself. Then tie a knot at the end of the rope and hang on.

[meganna]

I know I did everything wrong there, but I couldn't stop. I didn't mean to start crying, it snuck up on me, and then I was so overcome with emotion that it took over.

Do most divorces go like this? Where one spouse just decides in their own head they're done and then springs it on the other spouse? Is it "typical" to act all weird, confused, depressed, refuse to make decisions or discuss things? Run away? I know that's the bulk of what's seen here, but is that the norm for most people who want out of a marriage? Is mine the typical way it goes down, or is this out of the norm because of his childhood issues? Or some other reason? I just don't get it. What person in their right mind would rather end a M without trying to fix it, if not just for the sake of the kids they profess to love so much?

[peacetoday]

Meganna

The way the mlcer acts does not make sense to anyone but the mlcer

You are at the hardest point right now
Take it slow
Take care of yourself and find ways that help you relax and feel better at least for a bit
like exercise, rest, music, friendship, supportive women
At this phase, we need to accept the many unanswered questions about our H and their choices
Ususally, there is nothing that will wake them up
they need to learn to trust us for now
that is why it is better to say little and allow them to say what they need..we dont agree, but as one poster said earlier, we can say I dont agree with your decision but I will not stand in the way

This is the time to focus on you
You will find a way to work it out along the way
No, it is not what any of us wanted, but looking back I would not
change what is-

So can you trust yourself
Can you trust that it has worked for us
do you have any spiritual beliefs that may help you now
The first few months are the hardest part
Soon, the pain will lessen and you will see how strong you really are
you are not alone
Peace

[punkin]

Meganna,

How are you today? I hope you are feeling better and in a calmer state of mind, and that hopefully you were able to get some rest last night. You are in a very rough patch right now, but this too will pass, I promise.

[meganna]

Peace, Yes, God has become my new BFF! This awful experience is definitely bringing me closer to Him.

Punkin, I am calmer now, but for how long? My feelings cycle out of the blue. Had a very difficult weekend, I was depressed and the kids were acting out/hurting and that only makes it harder to deal. Yesterday D4 started acting up when H was getting ready to leave, and right after he left D2 peed all over the kitchen floor. I am angry that he gets to be gone and not witness the fallout of his actions. I did manage to be friendly to him yesterday though, so that was good. He told me a story about a weird guy who sends him gifts at work. He is still wearing his ring, so I put mine back on so as to not send him the wrong message.

Over the weekend I spent several hours with my SIL (H's sister) and she filled in a lot of blanks for me. She said she and H were neglected as kids, never told ILY, never told I'm proud of you, never talked to about feelings, emotions, how to cope with stuff, in fact they were inadvertently taught not to show emotion and to stuff it. Explains so much about why H is so messed up now. I never knew any of this! I thought he came from the all-American family! It's shocking and so so sad.

[punkin]

Meganna,

I know all about the difficult weekends. Used to spend mine in bed with the covers pulled over my head. Literally. 3 day weekends.

As for your H's lack of emotion household as a child, I came from a very anti huggy/feely family. I think I saw my Dad put his arm around my Mom once in my whole life, and that was for a picture we had to all squeeze into. Only in the last 10 years or so was I able to just hug someone because. Even my own kids once they stopped being babies. Think my H was raised the same way. My point here is: That may be it, it may not. I believe most males are raised to inhibit their emotions, women, not so much.

Better days are coming Meganna. Keep Gal'ng. The weather is getting better and you can be out more, with and without your kids. Think about YOU. ((HUGS))

[peacetoday]

Meganna

I remember how much it all hurt when my xh used to visit and leave
My them 5 year old S would cry
and yes the mess was there for only us to clean up, as they went off carefree into there new life..but that was only an illusion -b/c the price the MLCer will pay for their inability to parent their children, their bad choices,their Affair partner, overspending, lack of concern and feeling will be an enormous price to pay..only we cant see that till later
we on the other hand will grow by leaps and bounds by accepting this turn of events and staying responsible for our kids and our growth and healing
We are here to do certain things as adults..playing all the time, running from responsibility, cheating lying ect will not lead a person to the happiness they desire..It is backwards b/c they can not amd most will never realize the wy to happiness is going forward through the pain and growing and creating a wonderful life not running from it

stand still and face it all however hard it may seem--
many people have been there before and many will be placed in your path to guide you
peace

[meganna]

Please, nobody get offended by what I'm about to say. Sometimes I wonder if we are fooling ourselves on this board into believing our WAS's are unhappy with themselves instead of just unhappy with us. Like we can feel better about ourselves if we keep reminding ourselves and eachother that it's not us, it's them that has the problem. Are we just pigeonholing the WAS's, making the mold fit them rather than them fitting the mold? Maybe all (or at least most) divorces go like this. Seems crazy to me to just suddenly walk away from your family, especially if there are young kids involved, but maybe that's how most people wanting out of a marriage have to do it so they don't get sucked back in to where they don't want to be.

Everything I read here and everything I'm experiencing and learning about H's childhood seems to fit the MLC profile, but he insists otherwise and it makes me question if I'm just seeing what I want to see rather than what is. I can continue to have compassion and patience and hope if it's MLC, but if he just wants out then there's no hope left.

I find myself so angry when I think of how selfish he is being. Our daughters are so young and deserve so much better than this. He says he loves them just as much as I do (although I would beg to differ) but yet he won't make the effort to try to improve our R so that they can have a chance at a complete family and all the advantages that would allow them. How can he not find motivation to at least TRY just for them? How can he think they will be better off??? Why is he the only one who matters to himself in this equation?

D4 is struggling so bad with Daddy being gone. She has mood swings many times a day, from anger to crying, to clingy, needy behavior. I hate him for doing that to her. I hate that he doesn't have to see her act like that (because of course she doesn't do those things during the 15 or so hours he spends with her each week). I want to kick his a$$ for being so supremely selfish. I want to protect my girls from the hurt and I can't. I cannot make up for his abandonment with my love, my time, my words. I can't make it all better for them, and that kills me.

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Better than screaming it at H, right?