Does anyone have a view on why some MLCers are in a state of pretty much unwavering hostility to their [ex]spouse? While others can remain mostly civil, and in their own way, even attempt to be kind after a few years?
And how do you deal with unwavering hostility? I have experienced it for nearly 6 years, and although I have broken off all contact, because it wasn't doing me any good, and with adult children I didn't need it, I am aware from my children's occasional comments [although they have minimal contact] that he is still deeply hostile to me. They find it incomprehensible and hurtful too.
Do I need to understand this hostility? Well, I find that knowing about MLC actually helps me deal with my own journey. It doesn't for some, I know.
I am as OK with this as I think I can be [I was married to the guy for a very long time] and definitely have a life, but I still find it puzzling that he seems to dislike me so very deeply, and resents the fact that I am living and breathing. Probably projection . . . . . .
JMHO, but here I am at this unGodly hour, awake for some reason, pondering the same things. I believe most of my H's hostility stems from overwhelming guilt. He has to find a reason to justify his treatment of me, so he has demonized me. He even made the comment to our DIL "I don't want you to hate B_____", to which she replied, "Why would we? She didn't do anything?"
In his history rewrite, he has made me the cause of every thoughtless thing he ever did. His neglect of his sons when they were little, even though he knows I urged him to take an active part in their lives. His excuse at the time was their mother.
I attempted to get him to seek help for his PTSD, which embarrassed him in front of his Army buddies, ( Big Deal )On and On. I'm sure the pickled okra I made for him every summer was jam packed with hallucinogenics. LOL
Thing is, his hostility is the part that hurts most though; even more than his betrayal.
I did wonder about guilt being a factor, but felt that he might have moved on from this after nearly 6 years.
Yes, the way I fed him [extremely healthy diet btw] contributed to his existing health problems, but funny he was never sick when we were together . . . .His problems started about 2-3 years after he left.
Most other MLCers just don't seem as nasty as ours, although MissH had a pretty awful one . . . I agree about the hurtfulness of the hostility. The betrayal was bad, but the hatred . . . . means any kind of dialogue is impossible. All the standard DBing doesn't work. I tried 'I am sorry you feel that way', and got a 5 minute diatribe. We are told to listen but hearing how awful I was again and again was just distressing. He never moved on but made up more and more improbable stories which had a tiny grain of truth in them . . . . and so on!
This was all my fault when H left. The reasons he used were not something that you destroy a marriage over. After 18 months he is using the same reasons only magnified. My faults have grown worse since we've been apart. LOL
It didn't matter that I left him alone during the last 15 months to live his new life while the responsibility for his old one fell to me. His anger is still there and even more so now.
It was all my fault when H left. The reasons he used were not something that you destroy a marriage over. After 18 months he is using the same reasons only magnified. My faults have grown worse since we've been apart. LOL
It didn't matter that I left him alone during the last 15 months to live his new life while the responsibility for his old one fell to me. His anger is still there, and he seems even angrier now.
I always felt my xh hostility was due to his own seperate anger issues from childhood- His mother was controlling and everything was projected onto me during our M, through his MLC our R was probably better b/c I was letting go and having No demands on him, and he moved out..so the time we spent together was little compared TO OUR M I probably had similar issues as his mother, which I have hopefully worked on and continue to Now we have No Contact-- So I beleive in my case his anger and hostility got projected onto me it was not my fault but until the mlcer deals with the unresolved issues of childhood, I think they will continue to project negativity onto xspouse Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
A couple of months ago my ex called me and asked me for forgiveness. He apologized for some of his actions, especially the affair. I told him I forgave him and I wished him a wonderful life (no pressure, right?). He told me he was seeing medical, psychological and spiritual professionals to try to improve himself.
2 weeks ago, me and my brothers went out to eat. We ran into my ex with OW. He was very hostile without any provoking on our part. In front of my family he called me a little bit--- and told everyone he was going to kick my as-----. I felt if I would have been alone he would have. It was pretty scary.
Do to the last incident, I have gone completely dark. I won't return any of his texts, etc... I am not so sure his anger will ever go away. My ex's anger is so volatile. I have come to the conclusion that there is no reasonable explanation for this. Projection, changing history, demonizing me just so he does'nt have to face up to his faults, etc.... It does not matter. They are all inappropriate ways to deal with life.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Personally, I believe they go back into anger when ever reality gets too close...
Even after years...
When something doesn't seem to go the way they want it, we again become the scape goats...
It will probably remain that way until they really deal with their issues and whether or not we are around them.
People who can't look at themselves, look for someone else to blame for their problems and their unhappiness.
If they were to accept responsibility for their feelings and their actions, they would also have to see the reality of the pain that they caused to others. As well as the resons for their behaviors.
It would be nice if it would go away, and maybe someday it will...
Until then, just do your best to ignore it...
Or tell them they are f'ing nuts...worked for me
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat, You've hit the nail on the head! My xh has been gone for over 11 years and he was one nasty sob for the three years I attempted to get the divorce finalized. The calls, the nasty emails and letters were uncalled for and not like him at all. I never contacted him after the divorce and it took my bil's untimely death to give him an excuse to contact me and act like a civil human being. After the funeral, I realized why he was being so civil...he wants things from my residence. What was and is still funny is that he pulls the nice routine whenever he wants something and when I refuse, Mr. Nasty comes to town.
I've learned to find the humor in his little missives and him having people call me. It reminds me that I have a healthy and happy life to live and that I would never want to talk in his shoes.
As Cat mentioned, until they look in the mirror, and face their issues, nothing will get better for them. Keep in mind, some will never return to the "normal" life. My xh is one that was lost a long time ago and he's still orbiting earth.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
