Letting go is hard to do!

[Denver_2010]

Wow Seminole, that is one hell of a situation but it sounds like you are handling it with extreme dignity. Be very proud of yourself. The tone of your post shows that you are very grounded right now, that is great.

Keep being an incredible dad. I believe in Karma, you have good things coming your way.

All pleasures, small or great, arise from virtuous actions, and all pains, great or small, arise from nonvirtuous actions.

What CS said Seminole. Sounds like you are doing really well. You should be proud of yourself.

BITS
Denver

[Seminolewind]

You know guys I am very proud of who I have become. I have an awesome group of friends trust me when I tell you that it has not been easy getting to this point. I had to really think about how I wanted to be as a man. What my priorities are and what are my most important goals in life. My number one priority is to make a home for my kids where they feel safe and can really enjoy themselves. I work on this every single day. It makes me feel like an awesome dad. I am a good man and that's all I care about.

I find it funny all the anger my wife has towards me and really I would have thought with the OM she would have let her anger go. I really can't figure out why she is so angry anymore. I took the high road because the view is so much better. It's awesome to feel good about myself and it's even better when your kids make you feel like you deserve the world.

My wife instead of making any kind of offer to me in regards to the retirement decided she would be better off getting her own attorney and fighting this out in court. I told her that sounds good I will see you in court. She for some reason decided I am trying to do her wrong. I am not that kind of man.

Have a great day everyone and enjoy the weekend!

[Redo]

My wife instead of making any kind of offer to me in regards to the retirement decided she would be better off getting her own attorney and fighting this out in court. I told her that sounds good I will see you in court. She for some reason decided I am trying to do her wrong. I am not that kind of man.

After living with them for n number of years, odd as so suddenly the LBS becomes enemy-no: 1.

[Seminolewind]

Well I have been dark on the boards for a long time. I have noticed that when I start getting a little down about the bull sh!t in my life, if I stay off the boards I start feeling a little better. I will say that I think it allows a person to think things through and lose the anxiety that gets built up when you start getting those thoughts that all is lost. I guess I go into stealth mode and catch up on all the people that I follow on here and just when I think something good might happen it seems to fall apart. That kind of shows me that the staying dark and being patient might just be in my best interest. A few things have happened, nothing as far as the W and I because I only speak to her about the girls and I do that very rarely. I am still married which I thought was going to be final a couple months ago. I am not pushing the divorce but it seems she may have just started stalling on finalizing the process. I try and not mind read but sometimes it’s difficult. I don’t really care one way or another about whether we divorce or not and I haven’t really seen any changes in her behavior. I still know I am the better option in our situation and she is the only one that can wake up and see that, so the ball is in her court!

My wife and kids went on a trip over Memorial day weekend to watch our nephew graduate. She had asked her mom if she could bring the OM on the trip. Her mom and dad both told her they didn't think that was a good idea. She got all upset and told her mom she would just go see her brother, as it turns out he also told her that they are a Christian family and didn't think that was a good idea. Well she ended up going to her parents house without the OM. I think she thought everything was going to be fine but as it turns out her and her father got in a huge fight about her priorities as a mother and her party girl life style. She told him he only listens to me and has never supported her, he instantly corrected her and said your D17 just told me how sick she was and you were too drunk to take care of her! She had to call her boyfriend over and he did it for you. I guess this escalated to them not speaking because she was in denial about everything that he said. I found out about a month or so ago that my D17 is pregnant. I can’t say that I am happy but I also know that I can’t control what another person does in life. This was also revealed to my in-laws on this trip. So looks like I will get my first grandchild in a broken home! Anyway my D12 was supposed to stay down with them to go on a camping trip with the cousins then come back home in a couple weeks. She was sick the entire time she was visiting them and told me she was home sick and was coming home with her mom and sister a day early. I didn't know about the bickering and was fine with her coming home early. After the 12 hour drive D12 was at my house within an hour, still very sick and a little cranky. I took her to the Dr. the next day and got her some antibiotics. My FIL called me to check on D12 and I told him that she was still running a fever but hopefully the medicine would get her feeling better. He said he was disappointed that his D my W didn’t take the D12 to the Dr. herself and this is the kind of thing that just proves her priorities are not in the right place. I let him vent a bit and let him know that we all make choices in life and someday she might regret the choices she has been making. He said he knows when she does come back to her senses she is going to crash hard. Well my take on it is, only time will tell!

I will add that I have not really discussed with anyone what my true feelings are about my situation. I guess this board is the only place that I have ever mentioned anything about saving my marriage. It seems like the longer the OM is in the picture the further I get pushed away. I start telling myself that my family is worth saving but really there is nothing I can do to get my W to change the direction she is headed.

As far as my GAL I have been camping with my D12 and having fun with friends. I know I must be doing something right because several women have given me their phone numbers and I have told them all the same thing, I am just not ready to date anyone. I don’t know if that will hurt me down the line but like I tell everyone I just want to have fun. A few of my friends think I am crazy for not dating and have even said that I am a better man than them but I know deep down I am doing the right thing. I am still married and I don’t really need to add that extra layer of cr*p on my plate at this time but when I do feel the time is right I will do what’s best for me and my kids. I find that it’s not really easier to detach the longer a situation unfolds but it’s more or less protection of yourself. I think a person kind of becomes hardened and I feel I will probably build walls that are easily shut at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. I figured out that other people see me as a good man and my priorities will remain to be focused on my kids.

Now my questions to the BITS! Because in my situation I have seen absolutely zero changes in attitude from my wife should I start pushing for the divorce? I know patience is the key and we have only been separated for about 8 months. She supposedly has only been in the PA for 4 months and I am not really in a hurry but I also don’t want her to think she can hold me on the line while she has her fun. Maybe I am thinking too much about all of this and maybe I need to reevaluate everything about me again. I guess everything I have read in Denver’s and Country’s situation has just made me think about different options of how to move on with my life. Lately I have been wondering if I am even interested in trying to start a new R with my W. Sometimes I just don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe the cobwebs just build up and I need to do some spring cleaning, maybe others have hit this point and I just need another kick to keep me focused on me and my values. I just don’t know!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well Seminole, I'm coming up on 2 years separation here in September. Still no D still little movement forward.

My DB coach said this to me perhaps it will help you right now living in limbo and finding it hard, sad, lonely and frustrating and that you're running on empty.

He said:
" When you're running on empty,find out what fills your bucket. Journal when you find things/people that makes you feel "full" and happy. Happiness doesn't come from nowhere, you did something for it. Find what you did, journal it so you can do it again.

I'm doing that. I'm also living my life as if I AM divorced, if the papaerwork isn't through, it doesn't make much difference. We don't have a marriage in the full sense of that word.

I have told my H. what I need, what I want, how I feel. The door is open a crack but it won't stay that way.

It's the best I can do, and my best is good enough.

[~¤DG¤~]

Seminole,

It sounds like you are doing pretty well, despite all that is going on.
I am very happy that you are supportive of your D and her pregnancy.
When I got pg (also at 17) my parents were anything but supportive and I really could have used it. Of course this isn't what you want for her, but in the long run children are a blessing and I know you know that. My "baby" is now 15, 6'4" and 220 lbs. And I always say he saved my life, I was going down a wrong path and becoming a mother changed all that.

I also think it's wonderful that your in-laws are so supportive of you.
It sounds like your W is really making a mess of her life and like her Dad said, when she crashes, she's going to crash hard.

Lastly, I have been S from my H for a little over 3 months and I thought that was a super long time to be apart, but as I see you have been S for 8 months so maybe 3 months isn't really anything.

Keep your chin up.

[♪CS♪]

Seminole, long time...

Heavy stuff man, but like I said before, you are handling it with class.

I think you have a great attitude as far as your D17 goes. Obviously, her getting pregnant at this age is not what you would chose. But it has happened, and she needs her dad. I am glad you are giving her that support.

Now, as far as pushing forward the D, I agree with what SC said. Unless D is what YOU really want, NOW, I would leave it be. I would not use it as a "tactic."

You can show her you are not simply waiting for her by continuing to move forward without her. Continuing to work on yourself and doing new things.

IMHO, unless there are legal or financial issues, that put you at risk without the D being finalized, there is no benefit for you to push it. She wants it, let her do the work.

Just 2 pennies.

[Denver_2010]

Now my questions to the BITS! Because in my situation I have seen absolutely zero changes in attitude from my wife should I start pushing for the divorce?

NOT IF you still want to save your M SW. As you stated, patience is the key.

Lately I have been wondering if I am even interested in trying to start a new R with my W. Sometimes I just don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe the cobwebs just build up and I need to do some spring cleaning, maybe others have hit this point and I just need another kick to keep me focused on me and my values. I just don’t know!

No one can answer this for you or me SW. But this is the first question that you do need to answer. I've been told that we will just know when we are done. I think that is probably true. I haven't gotten there, so I cannot speak from experience on that though.

BITS
Denver

[Seminolewind]

I thank everyone for the thoughts that help me clear the fog that develops in my head. After reading what happened below I am sure I am going to look just as bad as my WAW. I need a kick in the pants or something to get me back on track in my crazy life.

Well over the weekend I did something that I regret. I have been telling everyone that I would not date or do anything that would put me in a situation that I might regret. I want my kids to be proud of their dad and I feel I have made a mistake that I will regret for a long time. Well just add alcohol and let the mistakes begin. I will not blame the alcohol for my mistakes, I will man up and own my mistakes. I guess now I am just as bad as my W only I feel like an idiot for letting it happen. The thing that bothers me most is I have told this woman before that I was not ready to get involved with anyone at this time. To be honest on Friday night I was at another get together with a different group of friends and a woman tried kissing me and I was able to stop that before it even got started. She at least called me and apologized telling me she understood where I was at in my life and didn’t want me to think bad of her. Then Saturday I was at a what I would call a garage party out in the country. I wasn’t going to drive, so I was going to have fun with no worries. Well as the night progressed I managed to have a good time nothing extremely exciting just a bunch of laughing and funny people. It was getting late and the cigarette smoke was bothering me so I went outside and was talking to a friend. This woman came up and joined our conversation and after a bit my buddy went back inside. Me and this woman talked for a while and I told the woman that I was ready to go back inside and regrettably I will say that I never made it back into the party. The worst part is now I kind of feel like she planned on making something happen. I have been overwhelmed with guilt and I really don’t know what to think about me right now. I know what I did was not in my best interest for me or my situation. Now what? I was faithful to my vows for over 18 years of marriage. Even with what my wife is doing with the OM I feel like crap! I have now created another difficult step in this process.

I know as humans we are not perfect, but when you know in your head certain things are not supposed to happen and you let them it upsets the process.

This is not something I ever wanted to post about, but I needed to vent!

[ninelives]

SW:

Cut yourself some slack. Please. Its not the end of the world. Did you make promices to her that you were going to be together forever? Have you lead her on? If she is having sex with you right away, then I dont think that this is something totally new for her.

As long as you are being honest with her, just chalk it up to being human. I know exactly how you feel. I let my "hormones " get the better of me a few months ago and I felt like crap. I havent gone back and told the woman ( that I wasnt that attracted to) that I was not ready to persue this. She understood and that was the end of it. She is now in a realtionship and we actually talked the other day to get a mans perspective in a dilemma she is having.

Dont beat yourself up over it? Does your ex know about it? If not, IMO, she doesnt need to.

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