Another New Day 2

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for the 2x4. Doesn't bother me at all. I need to hear these things. Don't know why I don't listen to them more. Yearly I do I am afraid.

I feel that my W will just forget about me.

She will assume I don't care about her.

That I will just be making it easier for her if I "just go away"

You said it! This is all about being 'afraid'... fear. And while I think that your fear is perfectly natural in the situation, you MUST conquer it and recognize it for what it is. The worst has already happened to you man. Your W is having an A. What else is there to fear? Think of it that way.

Bottom line? You CANNOT let fear control you or cause you to lose focus on what you know that you need to do.

I think I was doing pretty good until last month when she came home Nd said she wanted to reconcile. I haven't recovered from that yet, and that is the truth. It is not as raw right now, but it is just under the surface.

Yes, and, if I recall correctly, you handled that situation with machete when you needed to handle it with a scalpel. You need to go review DR. AND follow it.

I know that you haven't recovered from this... at least you are recognizing it. Now go back to the beginning and start doing the things that got her to come to you wanting to reconcile.

I still believe that it is very possible that she will come full circle wit this... possible. But you have to do the things that DR suggest and follow advice that you receive here.

If and when she starts to come around again, or as you start seeing progress, be REALLY careful not to jump the gun... handle EVERY instant of your situation with extreme care. View it as a very precious possession that is wrapped in a box marked very clearly "FRAGILE" ...

is trying to blame me for the bad relationship she has with her parents. For the way her dad treats her and her mom. Truth be told, her dad and I really don't even talk about her anymore. We just fish and I go to church with them. BUT, I need them to help me when I have my D too. That is why they moved next door to us, and I don't have any other support down here to help me with my D. So I say all that bc my R with her parents is not going to just stop bc my W wants it to. And she knows this, bc the last time she said something about it, she said she didn't want me to stop seeing them, or something to that effect.

So what? IMO, this is typical WAS behavior... blaming everything and anything on the LBS.

Validate her feelings and thoughts, and try to find something that you can agree with her on when you have these conversations. I find that there is always SOMETHING that you can find to agree upon. When you DO NOT validate and agree, you throw fuel on the fire.

Otherwise, let her be angry for these things... upset... whatever. She owns them. They are her cross to bear. She must deal with them on her own. You cannot help her.

I don't know how I am supposed to respond to her when she contacts me. I go back and forth, should I ignore her, or respond to her in a friendly manner, but only respond to her and not contact her?

I say follow this:

1) Do not initiate contact unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.

2) Be kind, polite and friendly if and when she contacts you.

3) BUT keep conversations SHORT and to the POINT.

4) ALWAYS try to be the one that ends the conversation (bc you are busy doing something FUN!)

5) ABSOLUTELY no R talk ... definitely don't bring it up.

6) If you sense that an argument is about to ensue, or that your W is trying to push your buttons, politely end the conversation AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

A silly question, but I am going to ask it, and it may show you how lost I really am: she wants to play words with friends with me on our iPhones. Should I play a game like that with her during this time. I really need to know an answer to this. I feel like she is reaching out to me in some form, and that it maybe some form of a baby baby baby step???

I'm not familiar with the game. Baby step? Possibly. Or it could be that she is just trying to put you in the 'friend zone'.

How about this? Agree to play the game 1 out of every, say, 3 times that you are invited to play. When you decline, follow what I said above about being polite and friendly... and decline for a good reason. I am at the gym... or I am in the middle of a flying lesson... whatever! Something fun, exciting, and intriguing.

Now when you do play, that 33%, be fun and engaging... but do NOT treat your W any differently than the others playing. Don't make her think that you are playing for her. And every once in a while... withdraw from a game that you have accepted the invitation to play... bc you are going to wrestle and alligator or something... LOL... again, fun, exciting and intriguing!!!

I have read DR, but not for a little while. I started to get worried when 3 or 4 other people here seemed to go down at the same time, and I thought that I was going to be next. Stupid, but that is how I felt.

Yes, there was a bit (no pun intended) of a bloodbath here in the last couple of weeks. But again, this just your fear driving your actions. Let go of that man. You will be MUCH better off regardless of what happens with your M. I can promise you that.

BITS
Denver